Advice on dating a widower

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Advice on dating a widower
5
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 12:13pm
I met this great guy on the internet. After spending hours chatting we decided to meet. We met and ended up spending the night in a motel room. We talked. He tried to make love to me, but he had a hard time staying aroused. He said it was to soon. Maybe. He also has older teenaged kids still at home. He says he doesn't know how to tell them he met someone.I really like this man. I want to do everything right. But being newly seperated for one year myself, I don't know how to go about this relationship. I want it to work,so I don't want to be pushy. We seem to connect so well when we chat. In fact we spend at least 2 hours everyday chatting. I want to be with him. How do I go about it? What do I do and say to him? I need help!


Edited 7/24/2004 1:11 pm ET ET by ohco
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Sat, 07-24-2004 - 7:50pm
If you are truly the first person he has been with since his wife--maybe he is not emotionaly ready to be with someone else. He
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 5:50am
You're going wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too fast. And i can tell you something right now, that it won't last! He will feel pressured and he will bail!

Most experts will tell you not to introduce sex too early into a relationship because that is a big red flag for a man! He knows that once that is introduced, the woman is looking for a committment...and you haven't built a strong friendship foundation first.

Get to know each other better. Take it really slow...stop the sex! There is plenty of time for this...build that friendship first..allow him to feel comfortable with you...allow both of you to build a desire and trust for each other. There is nothing more special than introducing sex into a relationship where the two of you are just great friends and have built up desire for each other. Then the relationship has a chance. But introducing sex this early...i'm afraid its headed to bailsville!


Deborah

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 11:41pm
This is my first time one here and I think I just sent my message to you personally. If I did I'm sorry. I don't know how to operate the messages yet. I'm still learning.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 6:26pm
Deborah, I don't really think the sex is coming to fast. Not really.After all we do spend anywheres from 2-3 hours a day chatting.

We met after we were chatting for about 10 days if not longer. When we met, things just clicked between us. I was scared and quiet nervous. He put me at ease. It was so great. You see, I left an abusive and controlling relationship after 34 years. Needless to say why I was nervous meeting this man.He was so sensitive, kind and gentle and everything went really well. One thing lead to another and we ended up in the hotel room. He was so loving and gentle it was to good to be true. He awoke feelings I thought were dead and buried. We still chat every day for the same amount of time. He is coming to spend the night this week. It is just that I don't want anything to go wrong. I want this to work out for us. I don't know how we are going to tell our kids. For his it is going to be hard with a new woman in their father's life. With mine, they don't know about their abusive father, I kept it hidden all these years, sure they may know a little but not much.I never told them because after all he is their father and I still want them to have respect for him. Even though it seems to be at my expense. My x says he wants me back and my kids want me to go back to him. Of course their is NO way. They don't want to except this. So I don't know how this is going to work out. I do need all the help I can get. As I said, this man is wonderful and I don't want to lose him or have our kids come in between us.

I don't think there is anything wrong with the sex. O.K. he did have a bit of a time staying aroused,but he was the one who initiated it. He also told me I made him feel like a man again. So does this sound like we are moving to fast?

For the first time in years, I feel comforted, cared for, and wanted. I love this feeling and I don't want it to end. It feels so wonderful.

But that is what is scaring me, the old saying "if it seems to good it probably is".

I'm totally confused and I do need ant advise I may get.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 6:37pm
Chatting is fantasy...you need to get to know someone in PERSON in order for it to be real.

PLEASE...DO NOT introduce your kids into this yet. Date for at least a couple months before you do so. Your kids are going through enough trauma as it is, as are his. Take your time and make sure this is something that is going to last before you involve your children.

Sheri