Advice for dealing with snide comments

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2007
Advice for dealing with snide comments
6
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 1:56pm

Hey, Everyone!

I'm new to this messageboard, but I'm hoping that some of you can give me advice. I've been dating a great guy for about four months. The trouble I'm having is with a woman I work with who obviously seems jealous. According to both him and her, they were friends who hooked up for sex once. No relationship, no real dating. After this one time, neither showed interest in pursuing something more serious, and neither has been in a serious relationship until now--a year later. He and I have been seeing each other for about four months and we both really like each other. She started calling him and texting him out of the blue, flirting with him, but he told her that he was seeing me. She's been telling people that she didn't think I was his "type," and that if things don't work out between the two of us, he can call her because he knows "what she's all about." When I see her at work, she usually looks the other way, but she gave me an invitation to her birthday party the other day. She gave one to my BF, too, and she proceeded to tell other people (it got back to me) that she invited his "little girlfriend" to the party so I wouldn't feel weird if he came. I'm not going, and he doesn't plan on going, either.

Here's the deal--I know he's not interested in her. He's with me and I'm comfortable and secure in that. But, why is she making snide comments about me and telling him that if things don't work out, to call her? I feel like she's trying to sabotage things, and I'm a professional adult! I don't want to play junior high games. Should I just ignore it, or should I confront her? I don't know if BF would want me to confront her. He has told her he's not interested in her, but she still keeps making these comments to him. Is this just for him to deal with or do I need to say something? Or, should I just take the high road and ignore her? I've expressed my irritation to my BF and told him that I don't want to seem catty or immature, but that it does bother me when someone makes remarks about me who doesn't even really know me. He understands and said we should just get her a card and sign it together.

Thanks for any advice on how to handle this. I'm newly divorced and dating again, and I thought I'd left the kiddie stuff behind me long ago--I'm a grown woman!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 2:39pm

Do your best to ignore this woman because engaging her will only make things worse. Getting her a card and both of you signing it is an option or one or both of you could say thanks for the invite but we already have plans for that night. However, I would not engage her further than that or even give any thought to her catty remarks. If you ignore her, eventually she will get the hint and move on stir up drama with someone else.

YG

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 4:05pm

I have experience in this sector. Some people just like knowing that a certain person still craves them and finds them attractive, even if they both have moved on. Again, some people are insecure and need to know they can take something from someone. So, her actions in regards to texting him, etc. are just sour grapes because he now has someone in his life who he really likes PLUS he finds attractive.

Technically, your BF should be the one to put a muzzle on her comments to him AND about you throughout the company. She needs to know that he expects you to be treated with respect. Your BF is correct in one sense, that she needs to see a unified front with the two of you.

My situation involved two women at work with whom my second exhusband had sex. I had great working relationships with these two women before and as soon as they found out about me and him, they started to treat me differently. Both eventually had it in for me, but one was layed off so I didn't really have to deal with her on a regular basis. If we were at a party where she would attend she would get drunk and start sobbing about how she doesn't have anyone in her life, right in front of us. Sickeningly pathetic.

With the other one I had to do the confronting (in person) because my ex was (probably still is) a coward. I told the woman that he and I discussed her actions (like bringing him food to eat at work) and that she needed to take a step back and that doing those sort of things was MY responsibility now. He never said anything becaus he liked the attention and the food. She started in with the "you are so insecure" and I explained to her that her behavior was inappropriate and both he and I felt that way. She then replied, "he and I were friends first" and I responded, "no you were not, you were lovers who hung out together in the same group."

While she is attempting to snuggle up to him again (mind you, she was married - my ex was an affair) she starts bad mouthing men to me in such a way that she would able to deny later that she would have egged me on. She was looking for a b*tch session about him from me. For instance, she would say something about guys hanging out in the bathroom with their coffee reading the paper while taking a dump, but in such a way that it was about "men" and not "him", but I knew she knew about his particular habits, of course because their affair lasted a while. She would also say things like, "don't you hate it when men grab your breasts like this?" and she would then imitate my ex in a way that he uses his hands.

Trying to egg me on to talk about him not only attempts to gather information from me about him, to only be used AGAINST ME later (because she never mentioned his name, I would have - if I fell for it), but she also rubs in your face that she already knows everything about him, "so there." I knew she was playing me...so I kept a poker face, tried to ignore her and outlast her childish behavior and she looked shocked and confused as to why her mind games weren't working on me. This goes to show how you need to keep a huge distance between you and the exes - they'll look to ruin your relationship and make YOU look bad to your BF.

She started to take her frustrations out on me at work and behaved very disrespectfully towards me and I had to talk to the manager about it and then her behavior changed towards me. Meanwhile this woman almost died in a car crash and swore to change her ways, hehehe, I guess she took her life for granted, so I hope she does get it back in the future.

I also had to contend with two other women who were not at our work place. One was a one night stand (but also hung out in the same social group sometimes) but he never got to complete the act because he was drunk. The other one was his roommate who he did have a kissing past with. The one night stand would flirt with him in front of me, which I did not appreciate and she basically got the message from me those times that I don't accept that from her. She eventually stopped calling my ex. She only would call the guys when she needed something. If one looked at her pattern of behavior one would see that she uses people. When a BF and her would break up, she'd call the gang again and need a favor. Pointing out her behavior to him this didn't help me very much, it only made him defend her, what an idiot he was, still is, who knows. I think he reacted this way because he never got to fulfill that sexual act with her and maybe held a torch for her because of it. The roommate gave any new girl in the group a hard time. This happened to me and a friend of mine who started to date one of my ex's friends. She always needed to be the "girl in the guy group" type of girl who doesn't like sharing attention. She was a raving b*tch and treated all the girls like crap. Unfortunately she was the sister of one of the guys in the group, who everyone liked, so they had to put up with her, my ex said. She was a waitress at a restaurant/bar that we all used to go to. One night my friend and I got there before everyone else. She ignored me and my friend and when another station opened up, I made the executive decision to go to another waitress's station. I thought, "I'll be damned if she gets a dime out of me tonight. Sister or no sister." She lost alot of money that night (the group was huge) and I really didn't care, I was going to make sure she understood that I am not going to be treated that way and pay her bills at the same time. My ex was upset that I handled it that way. I mentioned to him that I was upset all of those months at how he handled her lack of respect to me and he needed to put this girl in her place once and for all. My actions brought everything to a head because he did address things with her and she was well behaved after that.

I would never think of treating another woman that way. These four women were/are low class scum.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 5:41pm

There's an old saying "never wrestle with a pig. You'll get filthy and the pig will enjoy it"

So - don't play on her level - play on yours. Do not engage her sniping - but always treat her with professional courtesy and never let her see you sweat it. Never say a word about her to any other co-worker. Ignoring bullies doesn't make them go away. A person who plays low level games like this won't be able to comprehend a higher level of dealing with them. Don't hide from her and don't accept disrespect - if you hear somethign, ask her directly "I was told that you said X about me. I won't tolerate that. If you have some issue with me, I have no problems talking to your supervisor about this with you."

Be cool but be assertive. Bullies only bully because they believe they have the power - they count on their victims being too afraid of embarassment, pain, whatever to do anything. show her who really has it!

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 7:50pm

Ever hear the expression "kill them with niceness" or "keep your enemies close..." or "take the high road?" Well, I think those expressions are perfect for this situation. Personally? I would not let her know she's getting to you. Throw her off track and be super nice to her. Give her a birthday card, apologize for not coming. Smile at her, ask her how her day is, etc.


Or, do the complete opposite and wait until she's alone and tell her if she keeps talking about you, she'll have more to worry about next time.


It's either black or white. But personally I would rock her world by being so nice that she didn't understand where I was coming from or why I wasn't upset. No need to feed the venom with more venom.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Tue, 04-17-2007 - 9:20pm
absolutely - nothing confuses a bully more than kindness and courtesy.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2005
Wed, 04-18-2007 - 2:51pm

When "adults" act this way, you've gotta wonder.

In all honesty, I'm not sure I would bother confronting her, since she's clearly dealing with some emotional immaturity issues. I'd just try to keep focused on work. If she continues to make rude comments, don't engage her- but definitely inform her that you won't be discussing your personal life with her any further. Period.

As far as the BF is concerned, I think it might be wise of him to make it clear to HER that he's genuinely not interested, nor does he welcome her advances.

If the situation at work continues to escalate, you'll no doubt be dealing with a hostile workplace issue. In which case, I'd likely opt to have upper management intervene.

Try to remain professional.