advice greatly appreciated

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
advice greatly appreciated
2
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 10:44pm
I met someone online back in Jan. He lives about 3 hours away, in the state that I grew up in and am moving back to this summer (note - I've been planning to move since the Fall and he was aware of this). Anyway, we clicked when we met, and although we both work very demanding schedules (his much worse than mine; 80 hour weeks typical)...we make time when we can to chat and email...usually several days/week, which was fine w/ me b/c of our lifestyles. Even though we didn't talk every day, I slowly seemed to care more and more about him, and we planned wkend visits about every 3-4 weeks. Last month was my bday, and he surprised me with a wkend getaway trip. I always believed he felt the same about me (was slowly caring more and more, and not interested in seeing/meeting anyone else)...& on the bday wkend I decided I wanted to have sex. I thought I was ready, but I don't think I was, and/or I regret not bringing up an exclusivity talk beforehand. We both have only slept with a handful of ppl, and they have always been serious relationships. He has been especially busy with work the past few weeks, has been sick, and has some stressful personal matters going on right now, so we've only talked about 1/week. It's made me a little nervous and has made me wonder if he is seeing other ppl (which yes I know we never discussed being exclusive)...but I just really felt that we were one the same page and only interested in seeing each other. So these thoughts were building up in me, and I brought it up this past Tuesday, very late at night on the phone. It was incredibly bad timing, as before I brought it up he confided in me all of these things that have him stressed out, and I wasn't sure whether or not to bring it up, but it was really stressing me out so I decided to mention it to him. He said that he is not seeing anyone else, but hasn't really thought about us being "in a relationship" b/c of the long distance. He said that doesn't mean it will never happen, but there are just a lot of unknowns right now (I'm not sure what town I'll be moving to, my job, etc.)..he said that he was glad I brought it up, but honestly he felt like he was in a bad frame of mind to really discuss it b/c it was so late and he was so overloaded. He said that he would want to talk about it again. I understood everything he said, and although it wasn't 100% what I wanted to hear, I thought it was reasonable to not want to start anything serious w/ me still out of state. So, the very next day I got a great job offer which solidified where I will be moving (closer to him) and I was so excited. I emailed him and told him, and he wrote back right away that he thought it was great news. We still haven't talked though, and I am hesitant to call him b/c I feel so badly about bringing up my concerns the other night. I know I have a right to share my feelings, but I can't stop thinking about how poor the timing was, and how I'm scared maybe I added sort of the last straw to his stress load, and now he is seeing me as yet another stress. I don't think I've asked a really direct question, so it may be hard to give advice, but I would really appreciate any thoughts on this.....thank you so much!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 12:48am
I'd think and relate to your friend that the move is a great opportunity for you to grow professionally and nothing more. If you're closer in distance and keep on seeing each other then it's add on. Since he sees you as a casual date, that may be a better way to handle the situation rather saying that you're moving to be with him. That could scafre him away. Move and get the job and see where the friendship goes. You, though, seem emotionally invested already.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 04-30-2007 - 11:24am

Long distance is tough. Unless the guy clarifies that what the two of you have is a real relationship (meaning monogamy) then I would assume he would be dating others back home. Which would mean the woman could date others. While your timing may have not been the best, you feel, you did give him something to think about and made him realize that your feelings have grown for him. The email announcing the job and move was good and his response was encouraging. I agree with lightandbright and feel that if you could sit back a little in terms of discussing the relationship and where it is going it might benefit you.

I know you stated early in your post that you had decided to move before this relationship grew, but because your feelings have grown for him, you might be disappointed in your move if things dont work out between the two of you. Hopefully your original motives for moving would still make the move a success for you.

If you are on the same page, then I wouldn't sweat any declarations made by you on the phone that night.