Advice on having children

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Advice on having children
7
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 2:05am
Hi, all! Well, I have a dilema. I am 20 yrs. old (21 this yr.), in a serious, loving, and monogamous relationship of 2 1/2 yrs. with my boyfriend. We just bought a house together and plan on getting married within the next couple years. My dilema is that, for some reason, I have been longing for a baby. I've always loved kids, and have and still do babysit often, and since I was 11. I've worked in day cares and babysat hundreds of times for my sister and brother, so I know how hard it is. But, something inside me just wants a baby. I know I really shouldnt be even thinking about this, since my boyfriend and I are not even married yet. I want to do things right and live with my BF for a while, then get married, then have kids, but I find myself thinking about having a child with him all the time, everyday. It scares me, because I know if I did have one now, it would be financially hard and maybe even hard on our relationship. I need to know how I can lessen the "baby lust" I'm having. I guess I am just having this maternal instinct thing, where I picture this beautiful little child who is a part of my BF and I, and our own house, and this great new family, and someone to take care of. I know that sounds totally unrealistic and naive, but I do know about all the not so fun stuff, and the lack of sleep, stress, not to mention the child birth. Dont get me wrong, I honestly know how hard it is to have a child. Years of babysitting and working with infants, and seeing how hard it is for my brother and sister, has showed me that. I dont really know why I am having these longings. Can anyone give me some advice on what I can do, and why I am having these? Thank you.:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 2:18pm
Well, i certainly understand you situation. I am 24 years old and i am only dating and have had the yearning to start trying to conceive. I am still young and so are you. Give your relationship more time to grow. You are only 21 and have alot of years ahead. so my advice is to take it slow, i know it is hard to go against your instincts, but really it is the only thing that you can do. Have you talked to your boyfriend about a baby? Is he ready?

Keeping in mind too that your sister and brother have children, you see how happy it makes them and wished you were in there shoes. But the thing you have to understand is that you will be there. You being pregnant will be here before you know it.

Best of luck

Carrie
Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 3:14pm
Well I am a mom so I have a few thoughts on the topic. When I decided I wanted to get pregnant, I too have lots and lots of exposure to children. Let me dispell the notion for you however...it is NOTHING like when it is YOUR child and there is no break....Secondly, I think its really important, when possible, for a child to have their parents be married. You may not believe in the traditional family unit but I do...and *I* am divorced! Lastly, when I really wanted a baby, I realize largely, that something was missing in my life. I felt a "void" and believed my child could fill that. So, in conclusion, children are great but the skills that it takes to raise them come with time and age. I had my son at 27 and I must say, I really wondered how 20 year olds did it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 3:23pm
Hi, I know exactly how you feel. I am 27 and have been having the same urges to have a baby. My maternal instinct has gotten the better of me and I constantly think of conceiving! Even though I am in a relationship, we are nowhere near ready to have a child so I feel my biological clock ticking all the time.

As for you, I hate to sound cliche but you are still young and have plenty of wonderful years ahead of you to conceive. Who knows, it may happen sooner than you think? For the moment, enjoy the relationship you have and the new and exciting possibilities that lie ahead of you.

Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 5:45pm
Hi,

I understand your longing for a baby. I am the mother of three children.

I too longed for them in my early twenties, babysat, volunteered with children's organizations and still enjoy children and am now a single parent. I can tell you that your body is longing for a baby because of hormones. Your body is in a very fertile state.

After I had my second child I longed for another, my body ached for one even though in my mind that was the last thing I wanted. Hormones can be very strong.

Someday you will make a wonderful parent when the time is right.

For now keep up the good work with the children that are on this earth, your time will come when you are ready, not because your hormones are ready.

Hope this helps.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 6:58pm
This could really help....usually in life about situations or relationships or positions we have "expectations". What we think we'll get, who we think we'll become, how are lives are going to be...as a result of "this position/situation/relationship" becoming a reality in our lives.

Just like new home owners often long for and daydream about the day that they'll be able to have a roaring fire in their own fireplace, and drink wine in front it while gazing into one another's eyes...what they seldom picture is the cleaning out of the ashes and debris, and having to pay to have the chimney molding repaired otherwise you'll have carpet stains and mildewed drapes.

So, what you want, understandably, is the "good" part of having babies. You envision you taking caring for htem and cooing over them, you envision the appreciation of the child's looks by others and you benefitting vicariously from that, etc. etc. etc.

So here's my suggestion..because parenthood is NOTHING like babysitting. Babysitting you do whatever it takes to get the child to "act right"...and parenthood is precisely about NEVER taking that approach vs. being nurturing, guiding, providing, disciplining and mentoring - whic hmeans in lots of the years the kid can't stand you and does everything to thwart you as a result.

So, I'd suggest that for a week or ten days - you offer to care for 24/7 an infant or toddler. preferrably a family member's child. That way, you're not as concerned about the what if's...and for the long-term reality check that a week or so AFTER you've done hte sitting that you're going to get by interaction with the child...and most imporantly with its parents. Because at some point during this 10-14 day non-stop job - you're going to want the kid to act right of it's own accord and free will - you're going to be tired of soothing, bribing, placating, and sacrificing....and you're going to realize that you've not yet begun to parent vs. babysit. And then you're going to get to interact at some point with the parents...who'll give you at that time a story that you can more easily relate to about what life was like getting little Johnny or Susie back and home and into a routine of discipline and requirement.


And see if you actually like limiting your options, having your finances impacted, turning down invitations because you can't find a sitter or afford a sitter...and see what friction or dissention (if any) it causes between you and your boyfriend.

Because it'd be a totally different view you'd have of "wanting ot have kids with him"...if once you're in the new house, and you get custody of a niece or nephew for two weeks, every invite from friends HE accepts but you can't, and every opportunity with friends HE avails himself of but you cannot, and you're doing the primary portion of the juggling of your work schedule to accommodate the child's needs in daycare or in sickness, and you're spending 3 times the amount of time doing laundry and chores, an discussing finances with more disagreement and less upgrade or optins in your joint lifestyle, with about 1/3 of the time you normally spend with him being spent..and when you do - you're really tired, and want a backrub and he can't figure out why you're not paying him as much attention as usual and he's a little grumpy.

Because even if the best dads and moms...that is the reality ot some extent in the first 5-6 years of a child's life...if both parents work outside the home.

And see if that doesn't get you more realistic and grounded about marriage in general...lots of girls are working for a wedding, but not really thinking about the marriage that is supposed to last for the lifetime after that one day of total prioritization. Not that you're doing that...just a thought.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Sat, 05-08-2004 - 2:27am
Doubleblade, with all due respect, you sound to me like you have some anger/resentment/issues with children and marriage. I am not saying this to be rude at all, you just concerned me. Everything you mentioned about children and marriage was negative. Not all marriages and families are like that. Seriously. I do appreciate your advice. But, I think maybe you are taking out your "issues" on me. I am sorry if you had negative experiences with children or a marriage. That is really hard and sad. If you would read my question more carefully, you would see that I already mentioned that I am not just looking for the "good" or "fun" stuff about a baby. I also know that babysitting is different, but I have babysat infants, toddlers, and older kids for a week, before, while their parents were on vacation. And, I babysit and interact with my neices and nephews as if they are my own, and I guide them and nurture them. Dont think that just because I babysit and dont have my own children, that I do not know how to nurture/guide/discipline children. You are just assuming that. Maybe that's how you were, but that's not how I am. I am very realistic. I KNOW as I said before that it is financially hard, for one thing. Also, I am sorry if you or other women are like this, doing EVRYTHING for the children,house work, and your spouse or boyfriend doesnt help or pull his weight, but I am NOT like that, and my boyfriend knows that. I am very independent. I will not put up with my boyfriend or husband sitting around or going out while I do all the child rearing and house work! My BF knows that well, believe me. And, he would never let me do all the work. I'm sure you wont believe that, because, men get such a bad rap for things like that. But, my boyfriend and I have a very different relationship. We respect eachother wholly, and believe in the same things. We do not believe in the whole old fashioned ways, like the woman staying home and cooking and cleaning, etc. That is just not us. So, while I do appreciate your input, I really dont understand where you are coming from. You sound like you are talking about YOUR life, and not understanding that not everyone has negative experiences. I know that a lot of young girls say they want a baby, and so on. But I am different. I know the ups and downs. I am not being idealistic. I probably came off that way, but I am very intelligent. I am not naive. Please try not to be so negative. Children are blessings, and so is marriage,and I take both very seriously.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2003
Sat, 05-08-2004 - 2:35am
Thank you to all that replied. I appreciate it. I know logically that having a child is not for me right now, it's just those persistent little longings I get.:) BUt, obviously I am not going to intentially have a child any time soon. And to those of you who asked or wondered, I do believe in marriage before children, but do not look down on those who dont do it that way. Well, thanks again!:)