Advice Needed! Between a rock and a rock
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| Mon, 10-24-2005 - 7:05pm |
I was recently diagnosed with cancer. You would have to know my situation to understand this. My family is not the supportive type. So, I have opted not to tell them. This decision limits my source for support significantly. Becuase of this new life situation I was forced to move away from my main support group. Medical expenses. Im sure you all know what Im talking about.I can count the people that know on one hand. My best friend Mel, Melissa and the reason for this post. Jonathan. We became friends. He was in the middle of the end of his first love gone sour. I found comfort in the fact that my previous relationship experience could make me useful for something besides a media critic(chemo induced chronic fatigue.) Now, dont get any ideas, in the beginning, I had absolutely no interest in being invovled with anyone. Even if Orlando Bloom(fill in your own name)had shown up at my door, I would have turned him away cold. The more we hung out though the more attached we became, although not realizing it in the beginning.
BREATHER. This is gonna be long.
And the situations we went through together just intensified this attachment. Eventually, I confided in him what I was going through. He was beyond supportive. He is always there for me whether I need to talk, cry or just be mad at the situation. He listens for hours on end. And when Im done talking he always finds a way to make me laugh and feel better. We talked about all kinds of subjects. He has confided in me that I embody every thing that he has envisioned in a life partner. We get along so well its ridiculous. But not long ago, he told me that he enjoys things the way they are. He wants keep things this way but also He wanted to be clear that....(Im thinking I better brace myself...I can only imgaine that words that follow that kind of statement can only be negative)... there is no passion. Im devastated. How can there possibly be passion. As an understatement, I am so sick, exhausted, and not my usual spunky self. I cant help but feel that his lack of passion is a direct result of this hateful disease. I enjoy his support and I can see myself marrying this man... eventually. But if all that is going to happen is for us to become more attached and put effort into this relationship only for it to end when he finds someone to replace me. How can I allow myself to do that? I feel he is my only support and I dont want to lose what we have. Its the only thing that makes this worth going through. My two Mel friends have both recently moved..across the country. He is all I have left. I also cant help but think if I can just hold onto him long enough to get through this and back to "normal" that he would find what he cant see right now.
Rock #1: Denial. Postponing the supposed inevitable result of his lack of passion that in my opinion is a result of my lack of abilities in the hope of surviving and him realizing the situation for what it is, and it was there after all. Keeping the support even if under the false pretenses of a possibly empty hope. The hope that once I am better and myself that he will find what he needs.
Rock #2: Acceptance. Giving up what we have in the act of self preservation. Yes, it will hurt now. But wont it hurt even more if I let it go on and then even after getting better..what if the passion still isnt there for him. All that attachment and effort, support & experiences will cause all the more pain and difficulty letting go. Even though it will leave me wondering if things would have been different.
HELP! I dont think I could feel like I am carrying anymore weight by myself. What would you do? If you take the time to read this cry for help, please vote in my poll "What would you do between a rock and a rock?"

Wow, what a tough situation. You sound very determined, strong and self-aware. I will keep you in my prayers for your recovery!
I think you are correct in realizing that this will be more painful down the road when you get better and he might not feel the spark. I think men (and many women) shy away from people when they are dealing with an illness, and he might be able to keep himself from feeling things for you because he doesn't want to fall in love with someone who has an illness.
I think you should do two things. Pull back for a bit and learn to accept him as a friend. Take some time with no contact to get to that point. He sounds like in many ways he's very good for you, but you shouldn't walk head first into a moving train. You need to focus on you and your recovery. Are there any support groups you can join? One of my relatives got hooked up with a buddy system when he was diagnosed with chronic lymphocytic leukemia. It meant the world to him to have a one-on-one mentor to help with his fears and concerns. He is now on the other side, mentoring a guy who was recently diagnosed. Maybe you need to look to someone outside for help in dealing with this. I know I would need to.
Keep us posted. My heart goes out to you, but remember, there are lessons in everything we go through. Just be self-protective now!
Chick
What would I do if I were between a rock and a rock?
I'd head north or south or forward or backward and get out from between the two rocks. I am absolutely sure that due to the stress of cancer you might not be thinking as clearly as possible.
This man sounds like a lovely person but the problem here is that he is your only source of support. Please find a cancer support network in your area and start attending some meetings. You will find some other people that have similar issues and you can expand your focus from this one man.
Also, I know it sounds almost impossible but see if you can find other people outside of the cancer support network that have similar hobbies that can get your mind off all of this. This guy only sees you as a friend and you need to swallow this.
I am truly sorry to hear of your diagnosis.
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