Advice needed by piano guy and others!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
Advice needed by piano guy and others!
4
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 3:44am

I met a guy through match.com almost a month ago. He's a very nice guy and we get along well. We talk every day, all the time, whether it's online, on the phone, and in person (this is the 5 time we've hung out in the last few weeks) (Side not we're just friends, I've told him that I was curious to see where this could go and he told me he could see us being friends and that there wasn't much room in the cards for anything else! I'm cool with that, and we're still good friends).

One of his ex's talked to him today and it got him upset, we talked online for a few. He told me that it may be awhile before I heard from him again. I was away when he typed this and asked him what was up? He told me about the ex, so I called to talk to him. He told me what was going on. I was listening to him and trying to give him some posative words (if that makes sence). I told him that I understood if he needed his time, but that I wasn't going anywhere and if he needs to talk I'll be here. Well we ended up talking for a few hours and at the end of the conversation he told me he was going to go take a nap. I asked him if he wanted me to leave him alone, he told me he didn't want to be left alone, I said good. I told him that I would call him later and he said that was fine. I gave him several hours, called it rang, rang, got his vm...left a mess. Told him to call me if he wanted and left it at that, haven't heard back from him so either he's sleeping or he needs his time.

I guess what my question is, what can I do from here, he's a good friend, and we enjoy talking to each other, I just want to make sure he's alright, and ways to encourage him. He's been kind of frustrated about a couple of girls that he's been intrested in and other things.

I don't want to push him. I wont call him again, I'll let him call me. I'm just kind of stuck and I feel bad for him because I wish there was something more I can do for him! lol

Any and all advice would be great!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 8:03am

All you can do is give him the space he needs. As a good friend does, you let him know that you are there if he needs you. And now he knows that. But now he needs space; his relationship issues need to be worked out by him alone.

So all you can do now is respect his need for space and welcome him back when he comes out of his cave.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 9:39am
You said that you are OK with being "just friends" but it seems that you want something different. I don't think guys think that a "friend" should be intimately involved in every aspect of their lives. I also don't know why you agreed to be "just friends" with a guy whom you don't even know well at all, just met on match a month ago. When guys say they want to be friends in that context, it means that they are not romantically interested in a woman. I don't think it means that they want this woman to be involved in every aspect of their lives, and give them "support and advice." But most importantly, this kind of position is really not giving anything to you, except pain and discomfort when the guy is too occupied with his past and present girlfriends, like now. Look for somebody else as it seems that this relationship is not going anywhere.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 12:50pm
You met him on match.com and he says he's only looking for friendship? Something doesn't line up here. Anyway, it does seem that you would like more than friendship and you may be waiting for him to decide he wants to become your bf. Don't wait around. Free your schedule and emotions and start dating someone who cares about you the way you'd like.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-26-2006 - 4:17pm

hi radelle1981...

There are 3 terms that Pianoguy feels women often interchange. These are caring, mothering and smothering!

A woman who "cares" about a man is usually capable of handling a friendship and keeping it that way. For the most part, she has no further expectations....unless the man she's friends with gives off "signals" that could be interpreted as EXCLUSIVE...or at the very least SOMEWHAT SERIOUS? At least when it comes to changing a good friendship into an exclusive relationship!

A woman who "mothers" a man seems to feel (in her own maternalistic way) that IT'S IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO SURVIVE WITHOUT HER PRESENCE! So she suddenly takes on the "role" of MOM, cleans up all the messy stuff and comforts her baby. Suddenly, she's totally baffled when the man she has been 'nurturing' becomes distant towards her or even disappears!

A women who "smothers" a man...whether it's with affection, well-intentioned advice or a series of ultimatums is probably the worst of these 3 types! Most men will eventually get tired of 'the blanket' you're placing over us...and we'll ask you TO STOP! We might do this nicely, with a slight tone of anger, or a few of us will go one step further and SLAP YOU AROUND A FEW TIMES UNTIL YOU BACK OFF?

Sorry for the bluntness...but it has been one of "those days!" Anyway....

In your case...you've made the follow-up phone call...SO NOW IT'S "HIS TURN" TO DO SOMETHING? Don't hang by the phone or expect any sort of communication from him. Go about your day-to-day business with the mindset that THE MAN WON'T CALL!

It's just PG's 2 cents, but I honestly think you're gonna get caught in the middle of an uncomfortable situation? While you can express your feelings and have all the sympathy in the world for this man, he has an EX that can easily upset him?

And if this is the case, don't you think it's entirely possible for him to 'exhibit similar feelings toward you' [AKA GET UPSET) if used a word or two that TICKED HIM OFF?

Keep your distance....and see if anything happens on his side.

Pianoguy