Advice please...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2011
Advice please...
Wed, 12-26-2012 - 10:53pm

I could really use some help trying to figure out the girl I'm dating.  I'm not sure if it matters, but I'll start off by saying that I am a gay 28 year-old woman. She's a gay 25 year-old woman. We've been dating for the past 4 months. We "met" 10 years ago when she worked at a store in town and I had the biggest crush on her. I never really talked to her except for the usual conversations when I was making purchases. Something always happened to me when I saw her. Ten years passed by and I miraculously saw her again. It turns out we went to two of the same universities, both pursued graduate degrees, live 10 minutes from one another, we're both first generation American with similar cultural backgrounds. Similarities were there and we've hit it off.

However, she's tried to distance herself from me and I can't quite figure out why. We hit it off quickly and she opened up to me pretty quickly too. She's told me things that she's never told anyone before. She told me all about her poor relationship with her parents as she grew up. Her mother was power hungry and never paid much attention to her. She said her parents only told her they loved her about two or three times in her life. She's cried when she's talked about it. Her parents, especially her mother, have focused on the bad things from the past as opposed to the good things she's done. To top it off, her parents don't agree with her sexuality and her mother often argues with her about it.  We constantly talk about the poor relationship with her parents and the fact that she's not a family person due to her past.  As a result, she hasn't really done relationships, and when she has, she's disappeared and cut the other person off quickly and completely. 

But she's told me many times that she's never met anyone like me and something inside her tells her that she thinks I'm supposed to be "the one." However, she's afraid to commit and I feel she often tries to push me away.  She has said that she's "broken up" with me twice, but all of her friends laugh. She says she's going to leave, but she never does. I don't even know why she tries to. All of her friends know how much I love her. I treat her so well...take care of her when she's sick, drunk, listen to her when she's upset, hold her when she cries. I do absolutely everything.  It's very difficult for her to be mushy. She usually only gets mushy when she drinks a little too much. She's told me often that she's never loved anyone the way that she loves me, that she's completely in love with me, wants to get married, doesn't want to be with anyone else, doesn't need anyone else, and that she's tried to push me away, but just cannot. She just wants me.

She's never left when she said she would. We've spent almost every single day together for the past four months. That's no exaggeration. She often tries to come across as though she doesn't care, but if I have something to do, she gets upset because I won't be able to see her. She gets mad if she thinks I'm looking at another girl. If she says we should have time apart, she gets angry if I mention hanging out with any other girl. She just gets upset a lot. I don't get it because she has tried to leave, but why would she get upset? Why doesn't she leave? She's afraid to get too close, but she's already close. Is she afraid? Afraid of what? Me abandoning her? I wish someone could explain this to me.

She's cold sometimes, but we laugh all the time. Our mornings are spent laughing. I see a part of her I don't think many people have. And she's told me often that she's tried to push me away, but that I'm the love of her life.  What's going on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2012
Thu, 12-27-2012 - 2:08am

The only thing I can suggest is patience, and maybe if she is up to it couples therapy.

Being raised by a similar mother and father who were dysfunctional and unemotional it was difficult for me to open up in a relationship or even know for sure how one was supposed to be. I just knew that I did not want to end up like my parents.

I am still not as emotional or demonstrative as my husband and children, but I work at it all the time.

Thankfully I have a wonderful husband who loves me and understands my upbringing - he met my "parents".

It sounds like you have something you want to fight for, trust me she will appreciate it in the long run.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 12-27-2012 - 7:33pm

  The answer to the question is she is conflicted.  I suggest that you look to yourself.  What are you getting out of this relationship?  Yes being first generation is a big item.  You did not mention how your parents/siblings etc handle the situation.  What do you want from this relationship?  She may not be able to be more than she is and the push-pull may never end.