Advice Please on this guy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Advice Please on this guy?
21
Mon, 02-16-2004 - 2:46pm
To make a long story short, I dated this guy for a few weeks it went really fast (we weren't intimate) but spent way too much time together. I should have known the red flags were there... just got out of a 2 year relationship 5 months ago. Well, things were good then he dumped me just like that said he couldn't see me anymore. I was hurt. Well I saw him a few weeks when classes started and he was so excited to see me. He told me that he got scared that is why and that he can't move forward without lettin the past go, so he wants to just take it slow and see if a relationship happens in the future. Well we talk everyday now, to see how our days went and see each other about twice a week, at the bars and we spent V-day together.. he cooked dinner and brought me wine. One night at the bars I was drunk and we were making out and I told him that I wanted to "be" with him. I like this guy so much.. Then he told me he wanted to be with me too.. except that he doesn't want to hurt me so that it isn't a good idea. He wants to make sure things are right between us first and IF we do have sex he wants it to be meaningful and special with me. I'm pretty sure he isn't dating anyone else.. but I honestly don't know. Do you think what he said was truthful or he doesn't want to have sex with me? I like him alot and I'm pretty sure he likes me too.. i can tell by the way he holds my hand and kisses me. He knows my friends.. and I know his..Since we had a relationship, it ended and now we're takin it slow.. how do I know where we stand? Our we dating? Should I ask him or not cuz I don't want to scare him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 5:49pm
First to Jman.. that is horrible that she had a boyfriend for the first 5 months! I am sorry, that's pretty low of her. When you meet the right girl, then the feelings for her will fade I'm sure... I understand what you are goin through though. That girl you are seeing once a month.. I wouldn't hold my breath and I would date other people as well. See, I couldn't put up with that, that is just me. Yeah, we do call each other every day and I like it and all but I want something more meaningful.. is it wrong to want him to tell me that he likes me every once in awhile and say.. I would like to see you sometime soon.. or is that just too much? We talk about everyday things and usually I'm the one that says I miss him when I haven't seen him in a week and I tell him that I like him first.. I told him I liked him alot and he replied back "I like you too." Still, a girl wonders..everyone keeps telling me they are sure he's not with anyone else. When they see him on campus, he'll say hi to my girlfriends because he knows who they are now. How do I know if he really is interested in me? I want to know what our status is.

As for what you said (c) , yeah I should stop initiating getting together.Because now I'm questioning whether he really likes or I'm just there because I'm giving him attention that he misses from his ex? But he'll do little things..for example I'm always cold.. and if we're together he's always tryin to warm up my hands and he'll kiss me. But I miss what we had when we were together for the first two weeks.. how he'd say he liked this about me and he can't wait to go hiking or dancing with me.. Now he won't even mention stuff like that.. which makes me wonder how he really feels? Maybe I should sit down and talk? What do u think?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
Wed, 02-18-2004 - 6:59pm
Meliss:

I wouldn't advice having a "talk" with him actually. You two are not really officialy exclusive at this point. Having a talk with him about status and so forth may scare him off. I would just say, stop initiating things so much and become less available and see if he puts more work into the pursuit. Become less available on the phone prehaps as well. Its a paradox, sometimes people want something more when it becomes less available. Although, its probably easier said than done because infatuation is hard to control. But sometimes, if someone is so available, they become less desirable and taken for granted; just human nature.

This is just speculation based on the most cynical view possible (just to be sure all bases are covered). He could be just going out with you to fill his calender until he meets someone else he is more interested in. Sorry about this negative view, but its just that after being in the dating jungle for awhile, I have become jaded and take what people say with a grain of salt.

My thing:

Well, my feelings from being strung along by that girl have long since diminished because it was five years ago, and I've had an LTR with someone in the interim. Its just that the interaction I am having with this girl is kind of raising some old demons in my head :). But I am not burning the bridge with this girl, because of odd stories about how some people have gotten together in my family and on TV; so I am just thinking that maybe she does in fact need some time. I am certainly not going to accuse someone without evidence and so forth. Another aspect that leads me to give this girl more leeway (bad spelling, Im an engineer), is that I was setup by a friend at business school, and she is his babysitter. So I am willing to give this girl more chances than I would have otherwise, and I don't want to jeapordize my friendship with him by burning the bridge with slow-girl. :)

How can I deal with this dinosuar pace? I am extremely mellow-natured and laid back. Sometimes it is a benefit to me, and other times, its my downfall. At work, where my boss is really high strung, he HATES my style. My friends and co-workers love it. Unfortunately, at times in the dating scene or other parts in life, I get taken for granted or taken advantage of. I may be going out with another girl this week....I am on the fence about her, I definetly don't like her as much as the slow girl, but, it will help to keep things grounded I guess, and I'll just have fun. I guess I just the type that doesn't take myself and life 100% seriously. Life is a beautiful journey with so much to offer; so what if I run into someone who is gun-shy?

Anyways, I have to stop surfing these boards, I have alot of homework to do!!

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 6:39pm
Hey, yeah you are right about that... I am 21 and I know that I should date alot of people so I know what I want but sometimes I just feel like I'm not meeting anybody. To be honest, I met this guy at the bars downtown at our school lol.. I know it's bad but he's the one that just plays pool with his friends you know? Anyhow I finally got the courage to ask him how he feels about me because I wanna know the truth and I'm tired of telling him how I feel and having him just respond in one sentence answers. Unfortunately, he said he was gonna call me yesterday when he got out of his basketball games. He never did but that's understandable, I guess guys do that alot especially when their busy. But now it's later today and he still hasn't call.. which is kind of upsetting me. I don't think he's the type to just stop talkin to me altogether.. but it would be nice if he at least called like he said. I'm goin out as usual on Thursdays and I might run into him. I was thinking of just calling him to talk about this. Or should I just wait for him to call like he said? Let me know thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 10:15pm
Hi Meliss:

Thats great that your making an effort to "hedge" in order to protect yourself. As far as the guy you met at the bar goes; I would just wait for him to call. If he doesn't call you back over the next several days, then just write him off as uninterested, and move on. I wouldn't approach him about it...its just the way the dating game goes. Its frustrating, but you'll learn to just not take it personally. For example, if I get a woman's number, then a call her a few days later to plan a date and she stalls....I will usually give her another chance perhaps a week or two later. At that point, if she still stalls, then I say, "Ok fine, take care", and I throw her number away. I don't get mad, because she was just uninterested.

It applies to both sexes, see if a person's actions back up their words. If they don't (i.e. a guys says he'll call and he doesn't, then you approach him, then he says he'll call, and still doesn't) then obviously they are uninterested. Its just the way it is, you'll rarely get, "Sorry, I didn't call, but I'm not interested".

You're still in college, so there are plenty of guys there! You're at a point in life where it will never be any easier to meet people; so take advantage of it while you're there. Meeting people in the post-college years is MUCH more difficult. Hope that helps. :)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 02-19-2004 - 10:30pm

jman, that was good! :-)


You are wiser than your years, aren't you?


tg


By the way, how come you didn't make it to the Guy Talk chat last night?)

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 12:02am
Oh, I didn't know there were chats on Wednesdays...where is this chat? I'll definetely attend.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 12:05am

Click on the "guy Talk" link in my signature... there is a link on the top right of the board... the date and time are in my sig.


Anyone is invited!


tg

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 2:30pm
Jman.. good advice thank you! Well I'm just going to let this all out because now I feel guilty. He hasn't called me in 2 days.. he went from calling me everyday to not calling. So I was drunk at the bars and after around 1:30 am I called his apt. His roomate answer, knew it was me who called since he recognized his voice. He said he's sleeping right now he has to work in the morning (I did know this) but then I asked his roomate how did "this guy" feel about me. He said, he says good things about you and I'm pretty sure he isn't seeing anybody else just you. Then I asked why hasn't he called then? Then he said I honestly don't know. He told me that I'm sure he's over his ex now, he said his ex was a bitch lol and that I'm much better. So then I said put "this guy" on the phone. He woke him up and I asked him how he was he said good and he asked me if I was ok. I said I was drunk and he laughed then he told me that he's workin in the morning and tonight he had a few drinks with his buddies. He told me to be safe and told me not to get into trouble lol. But he usually says he'll call me or tell me to call him but he just left it at "have a goodnight and I will talk to you later." But then again he could of been a bit drunk and half asleep so I dont know. I was thinking to just play it cool and not call him and see if he calls me? And if he doesn't and I see him on campus I'll just be like hey how are ya and leave it at that. Is this a good idea?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 2:34pm
HOney, if you're wanting to get laid - just call him up and tell him that.

He's saying he does not want to date, he does not want a relationship, he does not care what you do with who.....men generally don't perceive a relationship as a necessity, a structural entity in thier life - he's looking to hang out, enjoy school, enjoy his friends, get laid by a variety of girls who're willing to have no obligation sex.

You're trying to present him with "obligation sex" he's not into that.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2003
Fri, 02-20-2004 - 11:03pm
Meliss, my advice remains the same....just back off and see if he chases you by phone. If he doesn't, then you will know the truth concerning his interest in you. If he doesn't pursue, then move on, however difficult that may be; it will be best for you in the long run. You definitely do not want to allow him to string you along week after week, giving you false hope; it will only exacerbate the pain you will experience (assuming the worst case). In the best case, he may pursue, then you will know he is interested.

It only takes about 10 minutes to make a phone call and set up a date, I don't care how busy a person claims to be.

Concerning the roomate; you just have to find out from the source, the guy you're interested in, he is the one that has to pursue. Asking other people for sources is very unreliable unless they are a very good friend that you have known and trusted for several years. You just never know what other people could be hiding or agenda they could be planning.