Advice Please on this guy?
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Advice Please on this guy?
| Mon, 02-16-2004 - 2:46pm |
To make a long story short, I dated this guy for a few weeks it went really fast (we weren't intimate) but spent way too much time together. I should have known the red flags were there... just got out of a 2 year relationship 5 months ago. Well, things were good then he dumped me just like that said he couldn't see me anymore. I was hurt. Well I saw him a few weeks when classes started and he was so excited to see me. He told me that he got scared that is why and that he can't move forward without lettin the past go, so he wants to just take it slow and see if a relationship happens in the future. Well we talk everyday now, to see how our days went and see each other about twice a week, at the bars and we spent V-day together.. he cooked dinner and brought me wine. One night at the bars I was drunk and we were making out and I told him that I wanted to "be" with him. I like this guy so much.. Then he told me he wanted to be with me too.. except that he doesn't want to hurt me so that it isn't a good idea. He wants to make sure things are right between us first and IF we do have sex he wants it to be meaningful and special with me. I'm pretty sure he isn't dating anyone else.. but I honestly don't know. Do you think what he said was truthful or he doesn't want to have sex with me? I like him alot and I'm pretty sure he likes me too.. i can tell by the way he holds my hand and kisses me. He knows my friends.. and I know his..Since we had a relationship, it ended and now we're takin it slow.. how do I know where we stand? Our we dating? Should I ask him or not cuz I don't want to scare him.

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As for what you said (c) , yeah I should stop initiating getting together.Because now I'm questioning whether he really likes or I'm just there because I'm giving him attention that he misses from his ex? But he'll do little things..for example I'm always cold.. and if we're together he's always tryin to warm up my hands and he'll kiss me. But I miss what we had when we were together for the first two weeks.. how he'd say he liked this about me and he can't wait to go hiking or dancing with me.. Now he won't even mention stuff like that.. which makes me wonder how he really feels? Maybe I should sit down and talk? What do u think?
I wouldn't advice having a "talk" with him actually. You two are not really officialy exclusive at this point. Having a talk with him about status and so forth may scare him off. I would just say, stop initiating things so much and become less available and see if he puts more work into the pursuit. Become less available on the phone prehaps as well. Its a paradox, sometimes people want something more when it becomes less available. Although, its probably easier said than done because infatuation is hard to control. But sometimes, if someone is so available, they become less desirable and taken for granted; just human nature.
This is just speculation based on the most cynical view possible (just to be sure all bases are covered). He could be just going out with you to fill his calender until he meets someone else he is more interested in. Sorry about this negative view, but its just that after being in the dating jungle for awhile, I have become jaded and take what people say with a grain of salt.
My thing:
Well, my feelings from being strung along by that girl have long since diminished because it was five years ago, and I've had an LTR with someone in the interim. Its just that the interaction I am having with this girl is kind of raising some old demons in my head :). But I am not burning the bridge with this girl, because of odd stories about how some people have gotten together in my family and on TV; so I am just thinking that maybe she does in fact need some time. I am certainly not going to accuse someone without evidence and so forth. Another aspect that leads me to give this girl more leeway (bad spelling, Im an engineer), is that I was setup by a friend at business school, and she is his babysitter. So I am willing to give this girl more chances than I would have otherwise, and I don't want to jeapordize my friendship with him by burning the bridge with slow-girl. :)
How can I deal with this dinosuar pace? I am extremely mellow-natured and laid back. Sometimes it is a benefit to me, and other times, its my downfall. At work, where my boss is really high strung, he HATES my style. My friends and co-workers love it. Unfortunately, at times in the dating scene or other parts in life, I get taken for granted or taken advantage of. I may be going out with another girl this week....I am on the fence about her, I definetly don't like her as much as the slow girl, but, it will help to keep things grounded I guess, and I'll just have fun. I guess I just the type that doesn't take myself and life 100% seriously. Life is a beautiful journey with so much to offer; so what if I run into someone who is gun-shy?
Anyways, I have to stop surfing these boards, I have alot of homework to do!!
Thats great that your making an effort to "hedge" in order to protect yourself. As far as the guy you met at the bar goes; I would just wait for him to call. If he doesn't call you back over the next several days, then just write him off as uninterested, and move on. I wouldn't approach him about it...its just the way the dating game goes. Its frustrating, but you'll learn to just not take it personally. For example, if I get a woman's number, then a call her a few days later to plan a date and she stalls....I will usually give her another chance perhaps a week or two later. At that point, if she still stalls, then I say, "Ok fine, take care", and I throw her number away. I don't get mad, because she was just uninterested.
It applies to both sexes, see if a person's actions back up their words. If they don't (i.e. a guys says he'll call and he doesn't, then you approach him, then he says he'll call, and still doesn't) then obviously they are uninterested. Its just the way it is, you'll rarely get, "Sorry, I didn't call, but I'm not interested".
You're still in college, so there are plenty of guys there! You're at a point in life where it will never be any easier to meet people; so take advantage of it while you're there. Meeting people in the post-college years is MUCH more difficult. Hope that helps. :)
jman, that was good! :-)
You are wiser than your years, aren't you?
tg
By the way, how come you didn't make it to the Guy Talk chat last night?)
Click on the "guy Talk" link in my signature... there is a link on the top right of the board... the date and time are in my sig.
Anyone is invited!
tg
He's saying he does not want to date, he does not want a relationship, he does not care what you do with who.....men generally don't perceive a relationship as a necessity, a structural entity in thier life - he's looking to hang out, enjoy school, enjoy his friends, get laid by a variety of girls who're willing to have no obligation sex.
You're trying to present him with "obligation sex" he's not into that.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
It only takes about 10 minutes to make a phone call and set up a date, I don't care how busy a person claims to be.
Concerning the roomate; you just have to find out from the source, the guy you're interested in, he is the one that has to pursue. Asking other people for sources is very unreliable unless they are a very good friend that you have known and trusted for several years. You just never know what other people could be hiding or agenda they could be planning.
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