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advice welcome!
| Sat, 01-07-2006 - 5:26pm |
I have been dating a man for a little more than 2 years. While we didn't start our relationship under the easiest of circumstances -- he was married with two children, and we worked together -- we had always had a strong friendship, and this translated into an equally strong relationship once some time had passed and his divorce was final. We have worked through a great deal, and I do believe that he could be "the one". He wants to get married, and I am the one holding things up... not because I'm not sure of him, but because of how desperately I want children. I have never been married, and at 30, I am beginning to feel very strong maternal instincts... While he would love a family with me, during his marriage, he wasn't able to conceive; both of his kids are adopted. I would never get over it if I weren't able to have a family -- and I'd prefer to give birth to children as opposed to adopting them. I asked him to get tested, and he did so, willingly. The prognosis wasn't great (slow/defective sperm) and he thinks the likelihood of conceiving with me is low. I have researched IVF, and the success rate is in the 20% range. I have become consumed with having a baby. We were at a party recently, and I held the couple's newborn for an hour and got depressed afterward that I may never have my own baby. He says I could break this off now and he would understand -- that having a baby is something he isn’t sure he will be able to give me, and he knows how important it is to me. I hate to give up on him (not to mention the two boys to whom I have grown very attached), but I am afraid that my emotions are only going to get stronger. He says he doesn't want me to regret being with him, but I fear I might resent him if children don't come easily for us. While I don't expect anyone to give me the answers, I could use some advice. This is an unusual situation: typically when couples can't conceive, they are already married and obviously work through it. But in this case, I know ahead of time that this will be a challenge, and I need to decide whether to stay with someone who may not be able to give me what I desperately want. Anything you can tell me to help would be appreciated.

Is this really the only issue that is giving you pause before you marry this man?
If you are fertile, you can still give birth, even if it's not by him. And perhaps he has a brother who would be willing to donate genetic material, or you could choose an anonymous donor that is known to have similar traits to him. But either way, so long as you're healthy, you can give birth and not go the adoption route.
Is this situation worth you losing a really great man?
I understand you want children, but it is worth losing him? There are other options and you can keep trying. I'm not taking a stand here, just pointing this out. If the possibility of not having a child is worth losing a man that you are good with, then you'll have to make that tough decision.
On a different note, has he had enough time to process his divorce? I wouldn't want to see you get setup for a failure.
Sorry there's not any better advice I can give, but this is really a question of what you can live with and has no easy answer.
Kerry
You're absolutely right. This is a tough one and it's good to address it sooner vs later.