Affraid to let my guard down

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Affraid to let my guard down
7
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 5:11am
I have been dating a guy for the past 2 months (seen each other 4 times due to him living about an hour away and me being gone on a couple of weekends weekends). He seems to be the guy I have been waiting for but I am holding back, I can't let go of my emotions and my feelings. My guard is up and am afraid to let it down more than what I already have (simply told him I really liked him and been intimate as well, which I felt very comfortable with him and that is odd). I really like this guy and don't know what to say. My brain is working a zillion miles thinking about him and yet I am afraid to say anything, afraid to scare the guy away (then again having my guard up, afraid of getting hurt again). I know I am caught up in the thrill of a new relationship and being single for over 2 years there is this overwhelming desire to give and receive affection.

I don't know how to go about this. He calls every day, which tells me he is interested, but I feel bad that he is the one to initiate the "us" conversations. I am to afraid to say the wrong thing (besides me considering myself a little conservative which sucks at times).

He can't talk about work due to it being classified and I don't like talking just about work with him. I feel as if at times we don't have any conversation topics. We've asked every single question (or almost) about each other. Please help with some guidance.

TLA

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 8:26am
Hey there,

I have recently met a guy with a similar type of job and it will likely always be that way no matter if you date for 2 months or a lifetime - there are lots and lots of things in the world to talk about besides work, but I think the way to handle it is to not focus on the fact that you are looking for things to talk about. Just try to be natural - maybe you could have more 'generic' conversations - just 'how did the week go'... in general terms. I've found the guy I know will talk about what he can - and he'll be general as opposed to specific.

As for letting your guard down - maybe thiink about what it is that is holding you back? He seems to be really interested, calling every day. that is a GREAT sign. You don't need to worry I don't think, about how he is feeling so you shoujld not neede to feel worried aobut showing him how you feel back. Also ask yourself what the 'guard' is doing to you - is it preventing you from having feelings for him or is it making you second-guess everything you do? I've generally found that you just have to be yourself. If you think too hard about what you are doing it can become stressful for you. The long-distance must be a little difficult too. I suggest trying not to think about the future and just enjoy what's happening now - and let yourself enjoy it. In my opinion, you are out of the wierd awkward stage of when 2 people don't want to expose their feelings.

BEst of luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 10:56am
Hey, both of you are lucky. Your men call you and everyday...That's a good sign of showing interest. Try to talk natural things and don't hide. Feel relaxed and share thoughts.

I have been dating a guy for 3 months....It's weird that he never calls me. For the first 2 months I tried to give him and myself the chance and thought that he was busy so he did not have time to talk. We dated 3 times ....going out kisses...and some intimate things but NO SEX. I am hopeless now and think that I will move on and forget about this relationship. He has never called me except only 3 dates and wierd that he treated me nicely everytime we went out. This guy really gives me headache and ignoring concentration on work and study.

Do you guys thing that he is not interested in me and that's why he never calls me? First & second dates he initiated. I asked him for 3rd date. It's been 2 weeks from that day and i have not heard from him. I really like him and almost broken heart, but I know that it's time to move on. COULD YOU PLEASE GIVE ME ADVICES?

Things that we've known for each other almost 2 years, but start dating 3 months. Before that, we just hung out like friends. We went for lunches at work. I did not think that I liked him, since after I realize I like him and want to get a healthier relationship with him. I can't discuss it with him because I don't feel comfortable. Problem that I DON"T WANT TO HAVE SEX with guys because it's my culture. Do you think that guys always want sex when they dating? DO I LOSE HIS INTEREST because of this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 11:16am
Why not try posting this as its own thread so both the original poster and you get the advice you need? ;)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 11:22am
I'm just wondering... have you been burnt in past relationships? Why do you think you can't put your guard down?

I understand about the work conversations and it's hard because the majority of most of our lives is taken up by work... But when you say you have a hard time with conversation, do you mean that it just doesn't flow naturally or that he doesn't seem to talk about things?

I know--more questions than answers, but knowing the past will help to answer the present...

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 1:10pm
I appretiate all of the replies... I know that in time of need for some advice ivillage people are always there to help!

I am divorced and that was a story of it's own. After that I had a long 2 1/2 year relationship with somebody who I knew loved me but was always very quiet. Would not talk much about his feelings and emotions always kept it to an "i love you" but never mentioned anything else of what he was thinking, feeling, future etc.. We were two completely different people (and dated for that long, go figure). I find myself being a little more comfortable and being "me" with this new relationship unlike my past one.

Conversations just don't flow. I respect the fact that he can't talk about his job, that doesn't bother me at all. I can talk about my day and what I do but i don't want to be the one "always" talking about my day at work and my friends and this and that. I admire the fct that he is the one always brining up the "us" conversation cuz I sure as hell wouldn't do it. This holding back, and having my guard up is very stressful and i can't get rid of it. I'm afraid of something and I don't know exactly what it is. There is constant dead air over the phone and that is just uncomfortable.

We've been intimate and that was WOW, I felt extremely comfortable talked during and after an again, he's the one to initiate the conversations. I think am rambling LOL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 1:57pm
Did you take enough time after your divorce? It sounds to me like *maybe* you are getting involved with the same type of man your ex-husband was... Just a guess though as it's hard to tell being on this end. But that would definitely be something to watch out for.

Or it may be that this guy is not a phone person. I've known a few people that didn't like phone conversations but where quite different in person... Could it be that he's one of these?

I'm also wondering if you became intimate too soon? Was the conversation level better before you became intimate or did it lessen after you did? If it was the same, then maybe that's just the way it is... now is that something you can live with?

Just some ideas... Only time will tell so I would give it a little time.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 1:03am
I've been divorced for a while now (about 8 years) and the relationship I had with X-husaband well all I can say is good luck to him (he's on his 3rd marriage). i wasn't in love withthe guy I was young and stupid when I got married.

The guy who I dated previously for 2.5 years was to much of an introvert. Affectionate but mmm was never able to figure him out or understand the why he was the way he was.

This one on the other hand seems to be Mr. Right. I should not drag my past into this new relationship (by past I mean not being able to trust and open up). But I can't help it. I find my self liking him more and more and that really scares me. It scares me to get hurt again. And since he seems to be to good to be true I am a lot more cautious. I might not have a reason to be like this since he is very honest, blunt and fwd. He tells me what he is thinking about etc... I truely think there could be something for a while between us. if I can manage to get rid of this fear.

i've been honest with him and he's been very patient, I just feel bad that I am not being fair. I wish I could say more, be a little more daring and fwd with him. More than anything be more afectionate, but I can't. It will show the weaker side of me I would be vulnerable.... *sigh*