Afraid of failure

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-09-2003
Afraid of failure
4
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 1:46pm
Hello. First of all let me give you a little background about my situation. Ok I am 26 and my boyfriend is 31. We have been dating for almost 5 years. I live at home with my mom and he lives with both of his parents. I am finishing my education while working full time and he is financially stable with a very good job. Ok my problem is this, I have brought up the marriage thing several times with my boyfriend. Each time he tries to avaoid id to an extent. He says that he wants to spend his life with me and so on, but he says that he cannot give me a ring right now because he is afraid of failure. That is why he hasn't moved out and bought a house and such. I told him that I don't want to get married right now but, at least that level of commitment. He says that he is committed to me and doesn't want to be with anyone else. I love him very much but, I have told him that his being so afraid of failure will eventually push me away. I told him that if in 2 years when I finish my education he cannot commit to that level then I need to move on and he said he understands and that he feels that he is holding me back. What can I do? Do I need to hang around or is this already over? Do men grow out of this stage? Thanks for all of your help!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 3:35pm
Decide how long you would stay with him if you knew he would never marry you and at that point cut off contact with him in a nice, compassionate way and tell him your door is open if he decides he wants to propose - and if you are still interested and available you will accept - tell him you can meet for lunch in 3 months to "check in" but that he should not contact you otherwise unless he wants to commit.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 3:58pm
I agree with deena33. Assume he will never marry you and make your decision based on that. You have no reason to think he will, he won't committ to it. You have every reason to belive he won't, he's said as much.

Some guys do grow out of this, but I would not put too much hope in a man who is 31 and can't see enough of a future to move out on his own. That kind of man is not likely to change his committment phobic ways any time soon.

I think you sound like you are ready to move on, but you feel bad for him. He is making his choice, and it sounds like he is quite comfortable with it, he even agrees he is holding you back! So spread your wings and fly. If he chases after you, you can always reconsider. If he doesn't, you will always know your choice was the right one.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 4:18pm
before you ask others opinion. What does your gut instinct say to you. Should you stay or move on. Are you staying because you love this person or you are afraid to go out there and start all over again. Always follow your gut instincts. They are always right.

I knew a couple in High School who had been together for 10 years, through high school and college. They had a lavish wedding. The parents even bought them a brand new house and car to get them started. They looked like it was match made in Heaven. The marriaged lasted under two years. It was a bitter ending and neither of them speak to each other. The groom was re-married in about 1.5 years and started a family with the second wife. The bride is still single and bitter. She gave up her hopes and dreams to start a perfect fairy tale marriage with him. They are both 35. Still young. However, the bride lives in a jaded world and has yet to move on with her life. I don't know what was the real reason for their break up but it happens.

Its a decision you have to make. Do you want to wait around for 2 years with a possiblity it won't work. Or you would rather move on. Never ever pressure someone into doing something like getting married. They end up resenting you and cheating on you.

I used to be a bartender. I used hear this all the time. I got married because she wanted too. I can't get out now because its too costly.

If he is still living at home at 31. He doesn't seem like someone who going to jump out there and take charge of the situation. Is that the kind of potential husband you are looking for.

Ask yourself. Do I want to hang around for 2 more years. Or I would rather find someone else. Many people stay in a relationship because they are afraid to go out and look again. AFraid to be alone.

I have a friend. Who was with a jerk for two years. She is an attractive woman who is a doctor. Not only does she support his ass because he refuses to work but he beat the crap out of her. She went on to marry this guy. All because she was afraid to be alone. I tried as hell to get her out of there. But couldn't. Finally I gave up. I said she is old enough to know. If thats what she wants. Thats her life. If she ever needs a hand to get out of there, she can count on me and I left it there.

I don't mean to be sidetracked but do you want to marry him because you love him or you are afraid to be alone. Once you can honestly answer this question, you will know whats the next step to proceeed too.!

Good Luck!!


Edited 3/8/2004 4:21:05 PM ET by bigbanana2004

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 5:19pm
Many mistake fear reactions for gut instincts so that advice while technically true often is meaningless to those who cannot really know what their gut - as opposed to their panic - is telling them.