afraid he's going to cheat

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
afraid he's going to cheat
4
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 6:20pm
Hi everyone, I have a problem that I hope you can help me with. I have beeen dating my boyfriend for 5 months now . when I first dated him I thought that it was a fling. He is a wild type and not usually the type of guy I would date but now I have found him to be a wonderful man with so many good qualities and we have told each other that we are committed to making this work. But through it all, I've had a hard time accepting that I could fall in love with a guy like this and I went overboard and started snooping around ( I know that it was wrong) and found some 7 sex tapes along with photos he had made with girls, even a threesome. I know he is a very sexual person and he does love beautiful women. He's always staring at them and making comments like look at that one. He says he's just having fun and I know that it's a part of his sense of humor. Anyways since finding the sex tapes which was four months ago, I have been clingy because I am thinking he is going to cheat because he has such a high sex drive and is such a party boy. He confronted me with this clinginess today and said that what I am doing is hurting our relationship and that he needs his space. He says he would like 2 days off without me a week. I told him I was clingy becasue I have a lot of tragic things going on in my life and was taking a break from life when I met him. I told him, I didn't think it would last so long so I have been trying to find out what he is all about and I have been careless with us. He said it was silly, that we are lasting and I should accept that and stop being careless. He said he does love and care about me or else he would not care so much to have this talk with me. The thing is he is going to a music art festival for a whole week with some friends and I don't want him to go. I know there will be drug use which he partakes of and nude women running around and I am afraid he's going to cheat on me. I can't go because I can't afford the time or money and don't know what to do or say. He says I can't let him go and then make him pay for it later. I can't tell him not to go because then he might resent me right? It's a big event and it's the only time he and his friends will ever be able to go. I am thinking the best thing to do is to say honey I trust you and have fun and go with that and he will respect me more. I mean it's only been 5 months right? I am so afraid that since I have been clingy he will sabotage this relationship by cheating. When we were having our talk about my clinginess he was kidding around and said maybe we should get you pregnant and then there is no turning back so no question of wheather we belong together or not. I am so confused right now. Any help would be awesome. Thanks in advance


Edited 8/19/2004 7:26 pm ET ET by elevatedmind2004
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 7:12pm
Well, the harder you grasp onto him, the more he will struggle to be free. If his value system allows him to cheat, do drugs, ogle women, etc., he will do so no matter how much you cling, cry, demand, or snoop. If that's the type of guy he is, he will do what he wants whenever and wherever the opportunity presents itself and there is nothing you can do about it. I really don't think he'd want to go to this wild festival if he wasn't still interested in doing what they do at these types of events. He'd want to stay home with you, not because you need reassurance, but because he'd prefer being with you.

I honestly don't think he is the right guy for you. So he has some qualities you love, but you don't trust him and he also has qualities that create feelings of insecurity in you, and don't match up with your own value system. You are making loads of excuses for his behavior (his high sex drive, etc.), and if you truly were accepting of it, you would not be engaging in the clinging, snooping behavior. None of this is a good recipe for a long term healthy relationship. You sound very unhappy and you really should accept the reality of who he is. That means if you choose to stay with him, be viligint in practicing safe sex (You don't want to end up with an STD as well as a broken heart, do you?), do not protest when he takes off to do the wild thing, or openly lusts after other women, and does his drugs. Because that is all you can expect - after all he hasn't ever claimed to be anything else, he hasn't been hiding it from you, but he may start if you continue to protest or complain. Am I advising you to stay? Not at all - I think you should find a man with a value system that is similar to yours. But you don't sound like you're ready to leave and you should get yourself out of your state of denial about the reality of your situation. Sorry I couldn't be more encouraging and give you a way to feel good about all this. I hope you gather the courage to make better choices for yourself - you'll be much happier when you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 7:21pm
I think you need to relax and trust your partner. Forget about what you saw on the tapes, forget about any behaviour he did before getting together with you. So what if he has a high sex drive? Doesn't mean he has to cheat!!

The more you throw him your paranoia the more likely he will leave.

Tell him to go, have a good time and you'll see him when he gets back. Pack a few sweet things in his bag to remind him of you, like a photograph and a mushy note. When he goes to leave, give him a really passionate kiss and tell him he'll get the rest of it when he gets back.

I really hope though that you realize how much stress you're giving yourself for no reason. Your man loves you, believe that. If all you do is focus on the *what if's* you're never going to able to just enjoy what you have.

Could he cheat? Yes, I'm sure that's possible- ANYONE can. Will he? Who knows? But beating yourself up over whether HE will or not is self destructive. Would you cheat on him? If your answer is no, then trust that that is HIS answer as well.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 8:46pm
i like to use the analogy of trying to hold sand in your hands...the tighter you try to hold it all in, the more it falls through...try to relate that to this situation. now, my opinion on this is that your BF is undoubtedly a party guy, and that is fine, as long as you can accept that and be totally comfortable with it. if you would rather have the kind of man who no longer wants to engage in these types of activities- and a nite with you seems more appealing, then it's time to move on and find someone who is ready to settle down. good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 11:10am
Well first things first, do you love this guy and do you want to make it work.

It's obvious that this guy has never given you a reason for you to think he would cheat on you. So you found some tapes and pictures, big deal. He likes to have fun. And news flash, you are his girlfriend. So now he would only like to have fun with you. you should never go by what anyone has done in their past to determine how they will act now. Unless they are cheating on someone with you. (you know what I mean?) He wouldn't have this talk with you if he didn't care.

All guys like to go and hang out. Just because there will be drugs and nudity does not mean he is going to cheat on you. Do you think every man at Sturgis cheats? Thats alot of cheating goin on. But if you keep nagging at him about, he may just go ahead and do it.

You need to give this guy the space he deserves. If you smother him he WILL pull away. I just got done reading a book "Why Men Love Bitches" I don't know when your guy is leaving but chill out, and stop being so clingy. Let him see how much you love and trust him. And read this book. it will give you some insight on how your man interprets your reactions. It was a real eye opener for me.

Relax and enjoy this guy. If you keep being so clingy it will only get worse