Afraid to leave

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Afraid to leave
2
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 3:50pm
I met my boyfriend of 7 years when I was only 16. He was 24 at the time and as soon as I showed interest he called me nonstop at all times and showed up at my house at like 8 in the morning. My mom was NEVER around because she had a boyfried and pretty much lived at his house and left me alone.
Well, I was amazed at how much attention he gave me and ended up moving into his house when I turned 18. He lived with his mom in an attic bedroom and never wanted to rent an apartment. He also had 2 kids with his ex a few years before he met me.
Since then he has convinced his mom to put a mortgage on her house to pay off some bills like child support, his car note, furniture he bought when he was with his ex......
Then he convinced her to do a second mortgage to buy a building as an investment and the thing went up in flames the first month he had it. The insurance money he received for it was just enough to pay the demolition and with what he had left, he decided to buy a tow truck and start his own business. Well that was even worse because he ended up in jail when he towed a stolen car that he didn't know was stolen. I know, talk about bad luck.
Anyway, he made all these decisions that seriously have affected our furture financially.
Now, he has a Huge mortgage and I am stuck living with him in his mothers house. I want to go back to college and I feel that I have to work to help him because I live there and he will be so deep in the whole without me.
Wait, it gets worse...
I don't like the way he treats his mom and he never sees his kids! He probably had seen them like 5 times in the past 7 years.
All these things aside, I know he loves me and I do love him, but what kind of woman would I be if I stayed with someone who doesn't see his kids.
Well, I tried to leave him 2 months ago and he called me every hour and kept showing up at my mom's house to see me. After a week he called me and wanted to see me and I told him no. Well, then he made a suicidal comment so I felt for it. He had bought a bottle of antifreeze and was going to drink it. Of course, I am not sure if he would really do it, but how could I go on if he did. He really is nice to me but he's not going anywhere in life.
I have been thinking of leaving again and as soon as I get the chance, I think about what he would do and the what if's. I am so afraid of him doing something stupid. A part of me really loves him, I just know I deserve better. How do you leave someone like that. I was thinking of having the police help me by being there when he comes home from work, for my protection and his, but they can only do so much.
I am so sorry for rambling on like an idiot but I can't stop crying every time I think about it. Does anyone have any advice?
Avatar for phoenixmama
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: beemer325
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 10:44pm

This guy sounds so much like my ex it's scary.

Selfish, manipulative, neglectful, needy, irresponsible, doesn't think about the long term effects of his decisions & actions. And then he gets OTHER people to take care of HIS problems and proceeds to treat them like dirt.

So let's see, this guy is 31 now? And you are 23 and not going back to school because you somehow feel obligated to work to SUPPORT HIM while still living at his MOM's house for crying out loud? Of COURSE he "loves" you, he'd BETTER be kissing your @$$ for even sticking around through his BS for as lomg as you have. But that is not real love. He's not capable of loving you because he obviously doesn't love himself (or his family or probably anyone) and you are absolutely right in thinking you deserve better than that. And honey, I'm sorry to say, what you feel for him also is probably not real love, you feel sorry for him, you want to help him and protect him and take care of him, and that is the kind of love you give to your child... not your partner who is supposed to be your equal.

Forget the suicidal thing. It's a manipulative game designed to keep you trapped because you're too worried about him to leave. He may not even realize he's doing it because it's a reaction out of fear. But what you eventually have to realize is that it's HIS problem, not yours. He will be deep in the financial hole but he is the one who put himself there. You have so much more ahead of you, and you'll never get to know it if you keep wasting your time with this leech.

Your message clearly shows that you already know this & you're looking for validation. Done. You know what you need to do, so do it before you change your mind and let 7 MORE years go down the toilet.

So how do you leave? Enlist the help of anyone you can, line up a place to stay & a truck to haul your stuff and pick a day he'll be gone and just GO. Giving him warning & a chance to discuss it will only delay the inevitable, he will turn the manipulation up to full strength and make it that much harder for you. Set up a PO box for your forwarding mail & try to just cut off contact, at least for a while.

Leaving my ex was one of the hardest, and best, things I've ever done. Years later he's still as pathetic as ever and I am MUCH better off than I would have been had I stayed.

Heck, if you're within a few hours of SE Michigan, send an email through my profile & I'll come lend a hand!

You definitely deserve better. Good luck. ~Jen

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
In reply to: beemer325
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 1:45pm

Jen,
Thank you so much for your advice. This for sure will be the hardest thing I ever have to do. I have my mom willing to help and a place to go and it all sounds so simple. I can't believe how strong I have to be for myself.
I know what I have to do now, Thank You Jen!