Afraid of making a move

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Afraid of making a move
4
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 3:37am
I need some help! Some advice, or something, *deep sigh* on a relationship, or lack thereof. I've been friends with a guy for a couple years now, our closeness wavering in and out depending on how often we saw and talked to each other. In the past couple months we've gotten really close. I've been in love with him since the moment I met him but I haven't ever really told him that. Last year, I gave him some advice in getting a girl he liked and they were together for a couple months until she dumped him raw hard. After the break-up, he sort of was flirting with me and I was too dumb to recognize it as a rebound and so I was bold and asked him out and he told me, sadly, that he was not ready for a relationship. However, only a couple weeks later, he had sought out his ex and got back together with her, which was pretty much a smack in the face. They were together until about a month ago where she dumped him again... he had told me me thought she was the "one" and everything wonderful about her. Well, now it's been over a month since the break-up and we're super close. He told me I was one of two people he completed trusted. Only in the past two weeks, he's started to make further advances on me. For instance, we go to the same church and at the end in the benediction, he was sitting next to me as it is every Sunday, and everyone held hands for the benediction. So, we did so, and he rubbed my hand and then put his them in the side of the pocket of my jeans. Little things like that he's been doing lately and I haven't exactly stopped him but i also haven't being doing much to encourage either. I'm afraid that if I do anything, he'll get scared and back off like the last time and I have no idea if I'm just an outlet for him to place his loneliness on or whether he really does like me. I was told by a friend that I was there before and after his relationship with his Ex that really broke his heart and so it me who he really likes, but I'm not so sure. I know i am a friend he whole-heartedly trusts, but is it just a friend he sees me as and he's simply dealing with a broken heart, or does he really like me more than that? I cannot know and I'm scared and doing anything about it. Please help me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 7:28am
oz bex....

Pianoguy thinks you're a terrific lady...and I guess if you were closer, he'd probably ask you out.

But what you need to understand is....this man (whom you've obviously got feelings for) TRUSTS YOU AS A CLOSE FRIEND! This doesn't mean he wants to date you or get serious with you. Whether he changes his mind in the future doesn't matter, but right now...you are the "close friend" he can share his joys and frustrations with.

Question is...is this going to work for you indefinitely?

Now you can always ask him out on a date for a second time? This way, you can determine if there's more to your close friendship than JUST FRIENDSHIP...but prepared for one of two answers: YES OR NO!

Contrary to one some ivillage ladies may think...many of us men TRULY NEED and SEEK ADVICE from other women because 'the female psyche' can be VERY CONFUSING at times!

So we ask you questions...share some personal stuff...and hope that you might be able to provide us with an honest opinion concerning a dating problem or two? Sometimes we realize that your feelings (for us) might be more extensive than a 'good friendship.'

But this doesn't mean we're going bend in your direction if our "feelings" aren't there for you!"

Hope this helps a little?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 8:19am
From your description I don't think the issue is fear on his part - he is not into you enough for a relationship - he let you down gently the first time you asked him out - he told you he wasn't ready when likely he wasn't ready for a relationship with you. It's been many years - 9 - since I fooled around with a friend - I fooled around with a good friend twice - just kissing, etc but I knew before during and after that it did not mean he wanted a relationship with me. I think this guy likes you very much as a friend, might even have sex with you if he's feeling lonely one night but he is not that into you - even if part of it is fear his fear is stronger than his desire for you which is probably not that strong. You need to move on and accept this and not take it personally at all. If you enter into a gray area occasional hooking up or flirting with any expectations of it being more you are setting yourself up for heartbreak and I don't thinkit's worth it- do you?
Avatar for bratgirl2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Sun, 02-29-2004 - 8:30am
Well you asked him out and he said no. Now the situation has changed but Im willing to bet that you have given him at least SOME indications that you have an interest. I really think the ball is in his court here. If he is interested in pursuing a relationship with you (full on with dating), he will. Thats just a fact. If a man WANTS to be with you, he will try. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-29-2004
Mon, 03-01-2004 - 1:47am
Thanks, you guys, for your replies. I met up again with the guy in question today. He all but told me he had more-than-friend feelings for me and kissed me. *looks shocked* Which was quite unexpected since I was on my way back from the bathroom and he took me aside. He hasn't really said anything official, I think maybe he has feelings but he's not quite sure what to do with them... and the kiss was kind of like an in the moment sort of thing. We were just talking and then I kinda got cut off by his lips. *scratches head* It may be that we only see each other on the weekends and just talk during the week (long talks on the phone or though messages and mailings). I'm kind of walking on a cloud right now since it WAS just like 2 hours ago that he kissed me, but anyways. I'm not quite sure what to do about it... he didn't ask me out on a date but did tell me he wanted to talk to me about something and that I should come early to a bible study on friday to play Risk with him and two other guys. I'm kind of lost.... i'm not sure whether the kiss was just really random, or if it was a step forward or if it was a mistake or not, and i'm also still walking-on-air that I can't think clearly. Should I continue to just let-it-be or should I try and make a move or tell him my feelings?