Again about my hairpiece

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Again about my hairpiece
6
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 12:43pm

Okay, so I really appreciated the advice I got some weeks ago about the hypothetical moment when a guy I wasn't dating yet might need to be told that I wear a hair piece. (For those who missed that thread, I am 50 yrs old and recently going back to dating after a divorce.)

Everyone suggested that I mention it at some point before things got romantic (except one optimist who thought I might get away with not mentioning it at all). Problem is, I never expected it to "come up" before I actually met the guy in person.

I am exchanging e-mails and IMs with a guy who I met through an online dating site. (He is the only guy I am still in touch with because I got kind of fed up with online dating and have closed down my profiles and so forth for the duration.) We're IM-ing this morning and we ended up on the subject of hair going gray and he asked me whether I colored my hair. I answered honestly that I use one of those semi-permanent hair colors that wash out after 10-15 washes but never leave me with gray roots. But this was the perfect moment to add, "By the way, the hair at the very top of my hair is not all mine, I wear a hairpiece." And I chickened out. I just couldn't do it.

So, should I e-mail my "confession" or just wait until another good moment to tell him? I may never meet this guy in person (with online dating, I have found, the norm is for a lot of guys to chicken out just before it is time for them to meet) much less have a real dating relationship with him. On the other hand, I don't want to be dishonest, to lure the guy to me under false pretenses.

I guess I just don't know if the hairpiece is something that a guy will mind a lot about or if he will just take it in stride like a normal, "none of us are perfect" thing. If he will mind a lot, then he needs to know right away. If not, it seems that it can wait.

Advice please?

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 1:10pm

No, I would not say anything at this point...to me, the conversation you already had is *way* TMI anyway given that you've never actually MET this person.

BTW, on a somewhat related tangent ;-), my experience with guys in our age group who like to IM is that they either want to have cyber sex and/or they never actually want to *meet* someone in person, they just want to have chat buddies. For that reason, I decline to IM with anyone prior to meeting. I'll be interested to hear if this guy is an exception ;-).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Fri, 06-02-2006 - 2:09pm

Sheri,

As you know, my impression of most guys I've met through online dating is that they don't really want to meet in person. After three months and I don't know how many contacts (including at least eight that have progressed to the point of talking about meeting) only ONE guy has really met me. (Alas, he was nice enough but not for me.) So I'm fully expecting that this might be the case with this guy I'm still e-mailing. (This, by the way, is the same guy I mentioned on the other board, who disappeared for a while and then said he had not got my e-mail.)

I'm going on with it because he has interesting stuff to say in his e-mail and IM's. I don't get the feeling that this is about cyber-sex. (If it is, he's going to be out of luck.) I do think that he may never want to meet. Which won't leave me any worse off than I am now. I just enjoy talking to him.

He's attractive to me. He talks intelligently about topics that interest me. He has an interesting job (unless he is lying, and I can check that out when I want to). I think he is more overweight than he wants to admit (his pictures are all of him sitting in ways that sort of hide/blur the bulk or in one case with another person sort of in front of him). And I know he is very self-conscious about his baldness because he keeps making jokes about it. (I know, another perfect opportunity to confess that I too have a hair loss problem but somehow... I don't know.)

The discussion about hair coloring was okay in context. We'd been talking about celebrities, people changing their appearance, the way we feel that we "ought" to look, stuff like that. So he asked about my hair color. It didn't bother me because of the context. I agree that if it was a question out of the blue I'd probably turn it off with a joke.

I'm just so self-conscious about this hairpiece thing. I look ten years younger than my age because I don't have wrinkles, have large eyes, etc. But it's also because I color my hair and wear this hairpiece. If I were in my full thin, mostly gray glory I would look older than my age because it would outweigh the other youthful elements of my appearance. So I worry that not telling about the piece is deceptive advertising or something.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 6:40am

Elarisa,

In terms of the hairpiece, I don't think you need to mention that now. I would wait til (and if) you meet and find out if there is actually enough of a connection to bother disclosing your hairpiece and anything else about yourself that is your personal business. I really think you are worrying too much about this particular issue...

As to meeting men online... there are a bunch of guys out there who like to "play" on Internet dating sites by emailing, IMing, and even phone-calling forever and never setting up dates. I ran into a couple of these, and I decided they were either married or had girlfriends. At any rate, I would give a guy maybe one or two opportunities to meet me, usually about 2-3 weeks after emailing and phone calling. But if "something came up" the third time, I said goodbye. I didn't pay money to join a DATING site to be a pen pal! It was not only a waste of my time, I felt like the guy had been dishonest with me about his desire to date and go on to establish a real relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 12:24pm

Maybe I am worrying too much about the hairpiece, but it's the only bit of "false advertising" about me. I don't even wear contact lenses. ;)

Regarding guys on OLD who don't actually want to meet, that has been my experience also. I'm not sure any of the guys I've talked to did the disappearing act when it was time to meet because they were married. I really think they were insecure. If they get me to agree to meet them they can feel good because they have "attracted" someone, but if they follow through and I decide I don't like them... well, that might hurt too much. So they "quit while they are ahead" because they want the boost for the ego far more than they want a chance at a real relationship.

Anyway, the hairpiece question is probably moot since I don't seem to have much success with either live or online dating, but it's good to be prepared.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 3:09pm

Hi


I don't think you need to email a "confession." That's making it a much bigger deal than it is. the conversation wasn't about hairpieces specificially but gray hair and that's what you were talking about.


It's a shame we don't concentrate so avidly on the qualities we feel good about - like, do you feel it essential to "confess" - by the way I've got the biggest brown eyes you've ever seen? No, we obsess so much over things that make us feel self consious that these "flaws"

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 06-03-2006 - 10:26pm

I'm actually fairly relaxed about the hairpiece under normal circumstance. (That is, when not thinking about dating.) Several of my friends know about it, simply because I've mentioned it when it has come up. (In bathrooms or when it is very windy, for example.) Some of them act as if it is this terrible tragedy, though, and it makes me self-conscious.

The thing about dating is that physical appearance is suddenly so important! I was married for 20+ years. I was aware of gaining weight (and concerned, of course) and getting older, but it wasn't a big deal about my appearance. And now I have to look at myself in the mirror and "market" myself. I hate it. Worrying about my appearance is so "not me"!

The last time I dated I was a pretty, slender young woman with longish (if somewhat limp) real hair and great big eyes with naturally long black lashes. Now I am overweight, my eyes are no longer particularly striking, I have the beginnings of a double-chin... And on top of that, I wear a hair piece. So yes, I am self-conscious.

As for not wanting to deal with someone so shallow that he would be turned off by the hairpiece, that would seem to be an argument in favor of telling men early on--before I've invested too much time/effort in them. ;)

But really, I'm more worried that the guy would be annoyed that I hadn't told him sooner than that he would be turned off by the hairpiece. If you all think that a man won't feel cheated or deceived by this little "secret" ...

Elsa