All words no actions

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2006
All words no actions
5
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 3:47pm

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 months. A typical date for us is him picking me up at 9:30 pm driving to this coffee house that he has been going to since he was 16. I'm 24 and he is 28 now. When we are there he just stares off and it makes me feel like im not wanted there. I try to get him to talk to me but it is like pulling teeth because i'm not that good at small talk. I've talked to him about staring off and he says he is just thinking about things.

we leave at 10:30 or 11 pm he takes me home and then he goes home. Sometimes we part early because he is very tired. I always kiss him good night or hug him. I'm a very affectionate person. I like to give hugs, kisses or hold hands. He won't do any of that with me. He says not in public which is fine but there is never a time when we can just be alone together. When i hug him or whatever it feels like i'm trying to do this to a stranger that doesn't want me to touch them. In essence i feel neglected and alone.

He says he loves me very much but his actions dont show it.I've told him "you say such wonderful things to me but your actions dont show it" His response was that that hurt him. he thinks everything is going well between us.

Our biggest problem is that we see each other almost every night and i've let things be a certain way. He doesn't really make plans with me but he usually calls around 8 to ask me if he can come get me. On the weekends i would love to do something when it is nice out and since i'm not sure when he will be coming i end up sitting waiting. I hate siting at home and being alone. I'd love to spend one day with him when we can do other things.

His response is that he is busy doing the things he put off during the week. In actualitiy most of his day is wasted on sleeping or playing on his dam computer which he acts like is his career.

I've asked him if we could do something different one day during the week he says ok anything for you baby but it never happens. We either end up at the coffee house or just driving around.I know i'm wrong in how i'm not keeping at the issue but no matter what i do he only seems to care about himself and what he wants to do. I've asked to go see a movie and his response is that "there is nothing i want to see"

I was abused when i was younger and i've been working to fix the damage from that. My friend told me he is abusing me too and i'm blinded by it because i want to be loved by him. My friend says he is just using me when it is conveient for him to do something and that he will never go out of his way for me. I definitely noticed that he will not comfort me and he shys away from any problems. I dont know what to do I think he is too much of a loner for me

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 4:26pm

NO - from what you have written he IS NOT abusing you. If you honestly believe he is, then please please break up with him today. No man wants to be with a woman that falsely accuses him of abuse. That is so cruel.

What I do see is that you two have very different social skills and desires for social outings. The question becomes - Are you prepared to be an equal partner in this relationship?

If your answer is YES - then please speak up. Ask for what you want. Offer some guidance and ideas as to what would be fun and interesting to do. Get involved as you hold a tremendous amount of influence here. Do not expect him to read your mind and figure out the specific details of what you want. Good men will listen and will do what they can to give you what you want when the request is fair and reasonable.

You've been dating for two months. Why can't you plan a date? It might be fun and it would show him some of the things you like to do. Is he and your relationship worth that little bit of effort?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-06-2004
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 7:55pm

From what you've written, he is NOT abusing you. Not doing what you want when you want is not abuse.

There is, however, a communication problem between the two of you.

There are many constructive ways to tackle this. One is to plan a date yourself. Tell him you'd like to plan a date for X day and get him to agree. Then take him out and do the type of activites you enjoy.

Also, it seems that perhaps you are spending too much time together. So perhaps a better idea is to spend less time together during the week. That way when you do see each other, you'll appreciate being with each other more.

Start making plans with your friends and other people. You should never wait around to see if he will call to go out that night or not. And if you want to see him, call him.

Basically, there just needs to be much more communication.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2003
Sun, 05-14-2006 - 8:48pm
IMHO, you're settling for less. You're not happy with this deal. He's not planning and is taking you for granted. He knows that every night he counts with you by 9 Pmto go to the same old coffee shop to stare at the walls. The past abuse could be something that is affecting your view of this relationship. Two months is to short of a time to tell if you "love someone". If he's like this dating only two months, imagine when 3 or 4 have passed. I'd hget out of this deal and look further through therapy why you allow this to happen.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2005
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 4:10pm
I've been in a similar spot. I too, allowed myself to be a "girlfriend of convenience" - I wouldn't demand that concrete plans be made, but I knew at some point he would call and we would do something together, even though it was always last minute (like 8pm) that he would call. I finally got sick of it. The waiting around makes you miserable and kills your self esteem. I decided to take control and fix things. I started calling up friends and making concrete plans with them, and when he called last minute (again) I would say I was sorry, that I had already made plans, but that I would love to do something with him tomorrow (or whenever). It took a little bit of time, but slowly he came around and realized that if I was important to him, he would need to take the initiative to make sure he would be able to spend time with me. Try it - it will work. And, if it doesn't, and he just fades into the background, then he wasn't someone you would want to be with long term anyway. Truely.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 05-15-2006 - 4:14pm

Your assessment of this man is correct. He's too much of a loner and loser for you. You deserve much better, a man that is willing to take you interesting places, hug you and show affection, has a job, has a life and adores the ground you walk on.

This guy isn't it.