Almost 3 Weeks Now.... Any Advice?
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| Tue, 02-21-2006 - 2:40pm |
Well it's been almost 3 weeks now since I last spoke to him. When I talked to him on 2/3 and he was so angry with me I told him I wanted to see him. He said he might be able to see me the next day if he could get out of his best friend's, girlfriend's friend's birthday party. He said he'd call me that night and I asked him to promise he'd call which he did. Only thing is he said he couldn't get out of it. This is a guy who before when I had planned to make dinner for him at his house and through some miscommunication he left to go to his best friend's house outside Philly (about 45 mins. away) said he would have gladly turned around if I had called him. So, he said about getting together for lunch during the week. I asked if I could see him on Saturday 2/11. I didn't want to see him on my lunch break only because I was afraid of becoming emotional and having to go back to the office. He said he could put off moving his stuff on that Saturday and said he'd call me sometime during the week. Well that's the last time we spoke. I somehow wonder if he was waiting to see whether I'd call him as an indication of how much I cared about him. Since that was one of the things he had said to me in his angry phone conversation with me. He said he never really knew how I felt. I do somewhat blame myself for maybe not expressing my feelings more clearly. I tried to give him space and not pressure him in anyway. Especially because he had been involved in an accident right after he lost his job. I just didn't want to add to his stress. Now I wonder if what I did was the right thing. Sometimes these books on love & relationships do more harm than good. Maybe you're better off going with instinct. They always tell you in these books not to chase guys, not to make yourself available all the time and not to always answer the phone when they call. Well that's what I did and I think I lost him partly because of it. He used to call me several times a day. I used to let it go to my voice mail sometimes. I would always call him back but I used to wait a little bit before I'd call back. Plus, I'd be at work too and didn't always have time to talk. I never treated coldly though. In fact when he had the accident he called me at the office right away before the police had even showed up. He was very shaken. I told him to call me when he knew what hospital they were going to take him to. I was going to leave the office to go be by his side. Well about 2-1/2 hours later he called and his father had picked him up at the hospital. I had tried to call him but evidently he had left his phone in the car which was towed. However, I did stop at his house after work to see him. I thought about writing a letter to him apologizing for not making my feelings clearer and telling him why I did what I did. Any advice???

Hon, you're being WAY ridiculously lacking in self-responsiblity here.
This guy was picked up for what by teh cops after an accident - drunk driving?
Now listen to what you said.........I went to the trouble of preparing to make him dinner per our arrangements and HE SAID, he'd have turned around if he'd have known that or remembered.
I went to the effort of making arrangements to see him........and he said "I'll be there if I can get out of a party".
Here's all that is happening....first, you're absolutely right - you're reading too many relationship books thinking a relationship is a goal....as if it'll make you into someone you're not - suhc as happy, or successful, or secure.
So you're playing 'head games" withyourself - thinking you're doing it with him. The books aren't saying "don't answer the phone when he calls" - they're saying have more going on in your life than him. You're reading it from the "I sit there, watch the caller ID and refuse to answer - I'm following the rules"...when in reality what the book means is have more of a life than dating and the needs or wants of someone else to serve and service so that sometimes youo're not there when they call because you're out doing something for yourself, something intereesting and exciting - so that you're interesting to know......
On his side...here's all that is happening....he's well aware that you want him, you want a relationship, you want to be with him. He has NO DOUBTS that if he calls you'll drop waht you're doing.
That's why he doesn't have to rearrange his schedule at all to fit you in. He'll get with you athis convenience, for his needs, and if you're not around - he has plenty of other stuff to do, people to see, and things going on to involve it at the time.
You're just a number of his to-do list....you're not "#1 on his list of priorities".
You're sitting here goes "if I could have been the one to take him from the hospital, if I could have fed him chicken soup, if I could have paid for his attorney, if I could have taken him around in light of having no car or drivers license, if I could have had him to myself - then I'd have his attention."
No, you wouldn't.......you'd be running up and down the road or hallway doing his bidding - while he's on the phone making arrangements for someone else to pick him to go to somewhere he wnats to with someone he wants to be with or to do something he wants to do that odesn't include you.
When he was doing the calling...he wanted your "attention"...that is ALL he ever wanted. To know that you were there at his beck and call in the vent he needed a ride to somewhere, or to get laid on a moment's notice.
You "not answering" trying to pretend that you have a life.....did you a HUGE favor......he quit calling you for attention because that's all he wanted, he found other sources of attention and convenience so that you're not all tied up doing for him while getting nothing from him.
So quit trying to make all these arrangements for his benefit and pleasure....all this time, energy, effort, and money that you'd spend "on serving and servicing him" - spend it on yourself.
Not only he is NOT worth it....he doesn't think you're worthy of any of his time.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com