almost perfect - can I do better?
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| Fri, 03-10-2006 - 2:11pm |
I have been dating a wonderful guy for the past two years. Everything about him is perfect, he is sensitive, funny, very intelligent, and a caring person. We are serious and both agree that we see a future together. I jumped into the relationship totally in love, and now he is my best friend. We get along practically perfectly, but recently I've developed a dissatisfaction with his height. I've always liked tall guys. I guess when I entered this relationship, I was so caught up with "looks don't matter" and "all we need is love." Now I'm not so sure. Maybe another factor is the pressure from others (my friends and even my mom constantly comment that they always imagined me with someone taller), but I suddenly find myself a little turned off that he is only 3 inches taller than me (and I am 5'2''). Trying not to be shallow, but I'm concerned that my kids will be short, and this always invades my thought every time I think about marriage with him!
And height isn't the only issue. A lot of people have also commented that I can do much better -- Although the person I'm with is very NICE, he doesn't really stand out in any way. He's more of the passive, understanding kind. I feel bad, but I'm starting to think I need someone who's more outstanding, someone more ideal. I guess what attracted me to my current boyfriend is his personality. I'm just not sure whether there is something better, more perfect out there -- someone with a great personality PLUS looks! Am I being totally shallow and non-appreciative of what I have, or is it understandable that I'm looking for a quality I desire?
Looking for Perfection,
Peachy500

peachy500..
Pianoguy (who is probably a poor judge based upon 2 divorces and his horrible 4-year relationship with "the girlfriend from hell") feels that if two people are TRULY IN LOVE with each other, there's no problem when it comes to "overlooking" the flaws!
You accept the person for he or she happens to be...AND YOU STILL LOVE THAT PERSON!
The problems begin when the people around you are 'a little too vocal' about your choice, or, if you have your own "personal fantasy" about the man you SHOULD SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH?
If you let one or the other override your TRUE FEELINGS...then there's very little hope for a successful partnership, is there?
Pianoguy
I think there are two key things that come into play here.
1 - Acceptance. If you can't accept him exactly as he is today with no resentment at all, then please leave him so he can find someone that will accept him for who and what he is as a man. No man wants to be with a woman that harbors resentment against him, especially if it is for things in which he has no control.
2 - Risk - Reward. Think of this as a Risk - Reward proposition. You may be able to find someone perfect for you or you may not. What are you willing to risk by taking that chance? What if it takes you 5 to 10 years to find Mr. Perfect?
Hi Peachy,
I understand what you are trying to say.
The best thing I see in the both of you is that you both are in love, get along great, and he is a great guy! That doesn't happen often. Cherish what you have. I could understand ur dilemma if you were both in love but if he wasn't of the best character or if you both weren't compatible. But I am seeing you have covered all major bases here, atleast the ones which do truly matter in the long run.
I have dated quite a few men, and I have noticed that everyone had certain flaws/habits/quirks/ideas that affected me personally in some way. But love is such a thing, it overrides or "makes an attmept" to override those things. Not being in love makes compromising feel like a drag.
I know what you mean when you say that he is Nice and passive as opposed to someone whose personality might be more expressive. But when you do find a guy with a very expressive, outgoing personality, it is very much possible he will have this other thing goin on which you might feel resentful towards.
Also know, that there are perhaps things in you, which he is accepting.
Looking back at my experiences, I don't think we might have anybody "tailor-made" for us. It's just the love that makes a relationship look so perfect. I am sure those picture-perfect relationships, have some itty bitty compromises going on too.
Open your heart some more and see if it makes a difference in how you feel towards him.
If it's something that continues to bother you, then you can go the way you want.
Hey, Peachy!
I don't think you are shallow at all: I read somewhere that after two years (max)we start to see our partners for who they really are. And I am truly happy for you because what you are seeing is what most of us spend years looking for.
Thas said, however, I think you should carefully think about whether you fully accept your partner -- and hey, girl, if you don't want him , I can have a guy like that anytime, and I am 5'6 !!!! ;)) I read somewhere that a good percentage of divorces in the states are due to the "may be I can do better mentality" (please, don't take this personally, just trying to help you here). The author was claiming that some people never fully commit to a relationship (yes, even after they marry) and their foor is always out of the door of the relationship, ready to leave for something better. He was also saying that people leave perfectly good relationships becasue they believe that who their partner is can reflect poorly on them (so, a partner is more like a "status symbol/adornment) -- now, I am not talking about major flaws here, but a "lackluster genuinely good guy" vs some dashing alpha male... Tellingly, this author also pointed out pressure from friends and family is one of the culprits here (again we are not talking abusive destructive relationships, but the attitude: "she could have done better")
Hope this helps. Just please understand that what you have is very difficult to find, and I personally, if I got along perfectly with my man, and he was caring, understanding and supportive, would not even think twice about hight. (as for the kids, genetics doesn't work as straightforadly as we think: my mom's side of the family are all midgets -- men below 5'4, my dad's side are average, 5'8, and my brother and my cousins are all 6'2 and above -- don't forget that your kids will be taller than you and your husband anyhow)
Perfection does not exist. So now that that's out of the way... ;o)
When I was in my college years, I made the biggest mistake of my life. I was with a guy that I vibed with on so many levels. He got me in a way that no one has ever been able to do. We had this pure, innocent love that is just not replaceable. I used to envision us married, living life together and having a family. So what happened? I listed to others. When we started having problems (after being together 1.5 years), nay sayers constantly whispered in my ears. They would say he was a nice guy, but I could do better. They would say that he's not tall enough (he was shorter than I was), not smart enough, not this enough, not that enough... And I listened and let it seep in. Ironically, people on his side started doing the same and he, just like me, listened and let it seep in. We wound up breaking up (me initiating it) because somehow this man I loved became just not so great...
If I had to do it again, I would have told all of the nay sayers to shut up. I had a really great guy in front of me, who completely cared about me and that I connected with in ways that I still can't connect to other men. Had I been strong enough to not listen to others and trust my own instincts, I would have still been with him today.
In many cases, you only get one shot in this life. You can either take it and run with it or ignore it and deal with the consequences. Speaking from someone who always thought the grass was greener on the other side, it's not. There is no such thing as perfection. There are only puzzle pieces. If you've found a man that fits you, trust your instincts and ignore the nay sayers. Always look at from where the advice is coming and judge it based on that. If these folks are single and telling you all his flaws, think about where that advice is coming from...
Hope this helps. Let us know what you decide.
Kerry
In my opinion, if you're nitpicking and focusing on his height after 2 years together, it's because you're not really happy with the relationship so you're focusing on all his "flaws" even though those aren't the cause of the unhappiness.
Be honest with yourself: is he who you want to be with?