Am I allowed to contact him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Am I allowed to contact him?
22
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 4:44am
I know this is a common theme but sometimes the background is a little different. I'll try not to be too long winded but, a few weeks ago I posted that I met a guy in unusual circumstances (in that he could not make any kind of invitation to me) and that I afterwards wrote to him, thanked him for the way he had helped me at the time and actually invited him for a coffee.
He replied nearly 3 weeks later, apologising for his delay and saying he'd been away at Easter with his brother and had a lot to do at work and is also moving house etc. He said he'd love to meet up for a coffee and would also like very much to improve his English, which is not his native language but which he needs for professional purposes.
I sent back an email (I did not have his phone number at that time) agreeing and asking him to ring my cellphone since he said on his email, one reason for his slow reply was that he rarely logs in.
He'd obviously had been waiting for my email though because a few days later he rang me, very keen to meet and said he'd meet me in the evening. The next day he rang in the morning; said he'd been put on night shift and had to meet me in the day and was that ok if we met for a coffee in the day instead before he went to work?
I agreed and we met, and spent 2 hours chatting about general stuff such as work, sport, music and his home country. I did not bring any material with me since I was assessing his level and it was not a formal lesson as such.
He said he'd like to continue with the lessons and maybe next time I could cook him an Italian meal which I once told him I was good at. He said in that case he'd make the starters, and bring a folk instrument which has has started to learn and we'd talk all the time in English.
I thought this seemed to be mixing business with pleasure and anyway, we both know that although he does want to learn English and that was purportedly the reason for the meet, we met because obviously there is some liking between us.
There are problems (in my mind at least) though:
1. I was very nervous during our meeting. This for a number of reasons not least because I am always nervous if I meet a man I am attracted to for the first time informally.
2. I have several tattoos. Men either like them or not and he did not. Moreover, one is of a snake and he said he hated snakes and why did I have them done? I said I was young and stupid, and he laughed and gallantly said 'what? 5 years ago?'
3. That leads me to problem 3 which is my AGE. I am MUCH older than him but like all men I meet, knows that I am older but not that old. Because of the circumstances in which I met him it is easy for him (and I think it will because now he is curious) to look up my age in the records where he works. I know I do look extremely young and fit and that leads to problem 4.
4. I do bodyfitness and intend to make my competition debut here in Europe next year. This is the reason I moved at great expense to this town because there is a famous Figure trainer here who I know have a training contract with. He, like many people, disapproves of this sport because of the drugs element (which is another topic). I told him that not all people take substances and I do not at the moment as a good bodybuilder should train naturally to their limit and then it is their decision what to do thereafter. He said of course it is nothing to do with him as a person and I could do what I liked but as a doctor he could not condone it.
In fact I met him in hospital when I broke my ankle. He is the surgical houseman and he assisted at my operation and I was there for a week. I later told his boss, the consultant surgeon, how appreciative I was of his assistant's help and care and would like to thank him personally and write to him. The consultant said that was nice and gave me the hospital address to write to him. So I did everything correctly and am no longer a patient there and that is ok. He was most flattered to be sent a thank you letter by a patient, it's the first time it has happened to him. He told me he really needed to improve his English and so that was our reason to meet although of course it was also social.
2 hours is quite a long time for the first meet and so he must have found me good company and also so say 'next time we meet' but I have those misgivings I outlined above. He knows I have not many friends here yet and asked me also about that.
My mother said either he really wants to improve his English and also cultivate a friendship with someone older than him who is interesting and whom he can learn from or else, could simply be a player.
He is a young Turk, modern and educated and born here but wants in a few years to return to Turkey and practise medicine there as a plastic surgeon. I know it is hard for me, but I would like to keep away from any intimacy and keep him as a friend. I do not have many friends, especially interesting and humourous ones. I felt he was quite special when I met him in hospital and otherwise would not have approached him. I told him this, in an unflirty way, just that I liked him as a person and enjoyed his company and he thanked me and said he would call. He said he didn't know when because obviously, as a hospital doctor, his time is at a premium, and he does not always know what his hours are.
However, he does have time for a social life or he would not have said that he'd meet me again. He said next time maybe I'd be less tense and said my body language showed me as very nervous which was true.
I am worried he gets a bad impression of me because of my nervousness. The age difference and tattoos should not matter to him if we have just a friendship and if, as he has said so many times, he just wants to learn English.
I badly want to message him by text (seeing as I now have his cell number and he rarely reads emails) but think it is too soon and I should wait for him to ring.
I only met him on Tuesday; it is Thursday today and he told me he is working on Saturday. I figured that if I hear nothing by Sunday I should sms him sending just a casual 'how are things?' in his own language (he said he'd teach me Turkish which could be useful here as there is such a large population of Turks) and this would be harmless enough.
Waiting for him to call is agony because I want to correct any bad impression I may have made with him, and also need to see him a second time to sort out what exactly is going on. I have no boyfriend plans for him as he is too young and too rooted in his culture which although not a problem for me, would be one for him eventually.
During our meet he made me no compliments but the fact he said he wanted to meet again should speak for itself.
I am just worried he has second thoughts really because of my nerves. My age and tattoos should not bother someone who just wants to be friends. We both know he is a lot younger than me and there is no long term future here and he knew about my tattoos as when I had the op the incision was made on the point of my leg tattoo.
Would a friendly sms on Sunday be permissible? I really need to know if I will see him again or just forget it as an abherration. Or should I send it now??
Thanks and sorry for this being so long;)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 5:51am
Sorry to answer my own query already!
In fact I messaged him just now...that is...2 days after we met. I merely sent him a friendly email thanking him for the nice Tuesday, hoping his week was going well and hoping that my Turkish was ok! I wrote it in Turkish of which I know a few words and I think that would amuse him at least.
I did it to test the waters; if he is, as he claims to be, just wanting English lessons/platonic friendship then I think that it was in order to write him a nice thank-you note and ask him how he is.
If it was the start of some great romance (which it is not) then he might think I should wait for him.
If he sees me just as a friend and English teacher then he will not be taken aback by any communication from me. Of course now I have to really wait and see what happens. I do not think he could object to just a friendly sms and it might even be better, seeing as he said I seemed so nervous and strange and now he will realise that it was just because I am always nervous whoever I meet for the first time and was not being unfriendly or finding his company unwelcome.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2006
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 10:27am

Hello Stefania! Boy u r stressed - asking yourself so many questions, doubting urself - this guy must be very special!! Here is my advice - no matter how special he seems to you - relax and forget him for some time. Let him this time sms u and ask you how r u doing. I know Turkish culture a bit and these guys will get you out of the ground if they want you around. No matter how busy he is.

And please please - stop undervaluing yourself. if he likes you - he will like everything about you - ur tatoos, ur interests, etc. etc. And you dont have to justify everything you do or did in front of him. Admit - you dont even really know him!!

So relax and put your mind to something else. Until he appears. You made it very clear that you r interested. DOing more could push him away. Now step back - its his turn. Just dont sit by the phone waiting for him to call - leaving a voicemail never killed anyone

good luck!! keep us posted

N

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 11:03am
Thanks Picky:) Admittedly leaving a message (it was a text not a voicemail btw) never killed anyone but some men are funny about women making any kind of move, however casual and innocent it seems.
In fact he criticised my tattoos but seemed to like me and discussed what we'd do next time we met.
What worries me is that I sent him the text message this morning and he hasn't replied. I know he finishes at 4 today and might even have had time before that to reply.
Admittedly he is generally busy and seems to prefer ringing to texting and may well not ring before he has time to actually meet me again but out of sheer politeness (and I did write him a really nice and amusing thank-you text) I would have thought he could text me back.
As you say, I cannot waiting for a call. I seemed to be waiting for contact all day and it does no good. There is nothing I can do about the situation unfortunately. I worry really that he will look up my age in the hospital records and freak.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 11:29am

stefania9, you are giving this guy way too much power over your emotions.

So far your risk taking has paid off, you got to meet him. Now you and he are entering a phase where you will determine whether or not there is anything else there besides the initial attraction.

I don't have any tattoos, but if you consider them a flaw now, because that is how YOU see it, not him, you can always get them removed. But if you are toning down the tattoo, maybe you really like the snake, just because you want his approval, then you are selling yourself short.

If it were me, I wouldn't want the guy to see me as a teacher, but as a love interest right off the bat because after your sessions are done, then so is he.

Please try not to grant him the power to determine your feelings about yourself. He's just a guy (I know easy for me to say) and, eventually most people meet new guys down the road who like them, tattoos and all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 2:40pm
What I got the impression was that he is only interested in a booty call. He said he'd like to learn English but then said next time we met I could cook him dinner in my apartment and he could bring his musical instrument and play it. He knows I am older than him and grinned when he said 'You can probably teach me a lot' and I have been sucked into intimacy with guys way too soon and then dumped as all they wanted is a conquest.
He didn't say anything much positive about me apart from wanting me to invite him to my apartment so what does that tell me?
Trouble is, I met him as a doctor and he seemed nice and kind then. Out of the hospital he was not so kind, he was critical (although he made it jokey) of my sport and my tattoos etc.
I know that he has had time to sms me back and he has not so I sadly think he is probably a player and I am better out of it now instead of dreaming there might be a nice serious guy behind his banter.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 04-19-2007 - 5:46pm

He is starting to not sound so good. If a guy's presence in your life makes you feel insecure or bad about yourself or the life you've led, then he might not be right for you.

If he is critical of you now, just wait til later.

Banter is nice and fun and flirty, but it is just banter. If your first impression was that he only wanted to have sex, then I'd go with that and not cook him dinner or have him over with a musical instrument. You can go out to eat and if he doesn't like that, then go with your gut.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 2:25am
Snafu; those words of yours 'if he is critical of you now just wait till later' ring SO true! I have met men who, when they start to become critical just get worse and WORSE. My ex was like that but he did not start to become so on the first meeting!
I really now think this guy met me in the day to weigh up the chances of a future booty call so he didn't have to waste much time/money on a first meet.
Having realised by my 'body language' (as he called it) there was no chance of a one-night stand he has disappeared. He has not responded to my sms although it was written in his native language and I thought that would at least have surprised and amused him.
He rang me on Monday and Tuesday before the first meeting and now doesn't even answer his sms so I think the chances of seeing him again are minimal to non-existent. It is probably better that way since he is good looking and can turn on the charm and I would hate, in a weak moment, to become one of his conquests. Moreover, he feels he is so special that he does not have to give me any compliments or make any positive remarks even on the first meeting. He felt that just meeting me and sitting there would be a big enough treat for me!
My only feeling is one of disappointment. I thought he was special when I first met him at the hospital 6 weeks ago. Unfortunately, out of his whites and on a personal level, he conforms to all the immature, newly qualified medics I used to avoid when I was a nurse, years ago. Full of himself and out for easy conquests. Unfortunately his culture makes this even worse and he talked a lot about his origins. I speak a few words of Turkish and know something about the place and showed my curiosity to know more about it but he seemed to want to use his ethnicity as a barrier between us instead of encouraging my interest in it. I thought writing the sms in Turkish would amuse him but it seems he does not want to be amused.
It reminds me of my ex who was Sicilian and got very angry when I said a few words to him in his dialect. When a man does not want any kind of relationship, even a friendly one, and if he wants just sex and no more, it is clear that he tries to put the woman down so he cannot respect her and so her efforts to learn his language are seen by him as attempts to get mentally/emotionally close to him.
I think this was why this guy's conversation was so superficial, full of banter and negative about myself and my tattoos. I made it clear that one or two of them I regret and had them done a long time ago but there were no comforting words in return from him.
I agree with you he's best forgotten now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 11:35am

"He felt that just meeting me and sitting there would be a big enough treat for me." - Ugh! Sickening! One day his balloon will burst.

You were a nurse, so you know the drill about doctors and their egos. I never understood why nurses worship their docs.

"It reminds me of my ex who was Sicilian and got very angry when I said a few words to him in his dialect. When a man does not want any kind of relationship, even a friendly one, and if he wants just sex and no more, it is clear that he tries to put the woman down so he cannot respect her and so her efforts to learn his language are seen by him as attempts to get mentally/emotionally close to him." - interesting observation, I didn't know this about men and their foreign languages, as I only dated one person who was not born in this country and he was Cuban and it was a 3 week stint in hell.

It is always disappointing when someone doesn't turn out to be the way we had hoped. Many people are not who they appear to be when you first meet them. Just so you know, it is not always a horrible thing, just in case you meet a man one day who, when working, appears one way and has another side to him without the "whites" on as you say. Some people used to call me a chameleon. I am not a chameleon. It is very simple. When I am at work....I am at work... and the professional side to me is more apparent. I can very different outside of work, but some of my coworkers may never see that side. So I could appear to be "driven", "aggressive", and so on. But many people saw the softer side to me at work too. People choose to see what they want to see. The people who I would associate with outside of work saw a very different Linda. Even at work, the way you present yourself to upper management is not how you present yourself to your peers sometimes - you can't behave the same way. People would be shocked sometimes at me, "is that you?" What? Just because I'm having a good time and let my hair down? That is who I am. But, the work side is also who I am. I just have different sides to me. Some people are a "constant", never changing their way about them no matter the situation. I don't feel that is smart work wise or socially, or conducive to a happy life - you need to explore all sides of you. But, I'm not a mean person, like your Turkish doctor who needs to put others down to feel in control. Hopefully you see the difference.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 12:44pm
Well not all nurses worship their doctors! I always kept away from them and their egos.
This guy seemed very kind and jolly when I met him in hospital.
What I cannot understand is why someone who seems so content with his life and full of confidence needs to put others down by jibing remarks? It obviously shows something is not quite right with his life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Fri, 04-20-2007 - 8:42pm
Maybe there is something not right with him. Mean spirited people do what he does. Also someone could be very insecure and need to feel superior to others. It also could have something todo with his culture, but you would know that better than I would.

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