Am I allowed to contact him?
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Am I allowed to contact him?
| Thu, 04-19-2007 - 4:44am |
I know this is a common theme but sometimes the background is a little different. I'll try not to be too long winded but, a few weeks ago I posted that I met a guy in unusual circumstances (in that he could not make any kind of invitation to me) and that I afterwards wrote to him, thanked him for the way he had helped me at the time and actually invited him for a coffee.
He replied nearly 3 weeks later, apologising for his delay and saying he'd been away at Easter with his brother and had a lot to do at work and is also moving house etc. He said he'd love to meet up for a coffee and would also like very much to improve his English, which is not his native language but which he needs for professional purposes.
I sent back an email (I did not have his phone number at that time) agreeing and asking him to ring my cellphone since he said on his email, one reason for his slow reply was that he rarely logs in.
He'd obviously had been waiting for my email though because a few days later he rang me, very keen to meet and said he'd meet me in the evening. The next day he rang in the morning; said he'd been put on night shift and had to meet me in the day and was that ok if we met for a coffee in the day instead before he went to work?
I agreed and we met, and spent 2 hours chatting about general stuff such as work, sport, music and his home country. I did not bring any material with me since I was assessing his level and it was not a formal lesson as such.
He said he'd like to continue with the lessons and maybe next time I could cook him an Italian meal which I once told him I was good at. He said in that case he'd make the starters, and bring a folk instrument which has has started to learn and we'd talk all the time in English.
I thought this seemed to be mixing business with pleasure and anyway, we both know that although he does want to learn English and that was purportedly the reason for the meet, we met because obviously there is some liking between us.
There are problems (in my mind at least) though:
1. I was very nervous during our meeting. This for a number of reasons not least because I am always nervous if I meet a man I am attracted to for the first time informally.
2. I have several tattoos. Men either like them or not and he did not. Moreover, one is of a snake and he said he hated snakes and why did I have them done? I said I was young and stupid, and he laughed and gallantly said 'what? 5 years ago?'
3. That leads me to problem 3 which is my AGE. I am MUCH older than him but like all men I meet, knows that I am older but not that old. Because of the circumstances in which I met him it is easy for him (and I think it will because now he is curious) to look up my age in the records where he works. I know I do look extremely young and fit and that leads to problem 4.
4. I do bodyfitness and intend to make my competition debut here in Europe next year. This is the reason I moved at great expense to this town because there is a famous Figure trainer here who I know have a training contract with. He, like many people, disapproves of this sport because of the drugs element (which is another topic). I told him that not all people take substances and I do not at the moment as a good bodybuilder should train naturally to their limit and then it is their decision what to do thereafter. He said of course it is nothing to do with him as a person and I could do what I liked but as a doctor he could not condone it.
In fact I met him in hospital when I broke my ankle. He is the surgical houseman and he assisted at my operation and I was there for a week. I later told his boss, the consultant surgeon, how appreciative I was of his assistant's help and care and would like to thank him personally and write to him. The consultant said that was nice and gave me the hospital address to write to him. So I did everything correctly and am no longer a patient there and that is ok. He was most flattered to be sent a thank you letter by a patient, it's the first time it has happened to him. He told me he really needed to improve his English and so that was our reason to meet although of course it was also social.
2 hours is quite a long time for the first meet and so he must have found me good company and also so say 'next time we meet' but I have those misgivings I outlined above. He knows I have not many friends here yet and asked me also about that.
My mother said either he really wants to improve his English and also cultivate a friendship with someone older than him who is interesting and whom he can learn from or else, could simply be a player.
He is a young Turk, modern and educated and born here but wants in a few years to return to Turkey and practise medicine there as a plastic surgeon. I know it is hard for me, but I would like to keep away from any intimacy and keep him as a friend. I do not have many friends, especially interesting and humourous ones. I felt he was quite special when I met him in hospital and otherwise would not have approached him. I told him this, in an unflirty way, just that I liked him as a person and enjoyed his company and he thanked me and said he would call. He said he didn't know when because obviously, as a hospital doctor, his time is at a premium, and he does not always know what his hours are.
However, he does have time for a social life or he would not have said that he'd meet me again. He said next time maybe I'd be less tense and said my body language showed me as very nervous which was true.
I am worried he gets a bad impression of me because of my nervousness. The age difference and tattoos should not matter to him if we have just a friendship and if, as he has said so many times, he just wants to learn English.
I badly want to message him by text (seeing as I now have his cell number and he rarely reads emails) but think it is too soon and I should wait for him to ring.
I only met him on Tuesday; it is Thursday today and he told me he is working on Saturday. I figured that if I hear nothing by Sunday I should sms him sending just a casual 'how are things?' in his own language (he said he'd teach me Turkish which could be useful here as there is such a large population of Turks) and this would be harmless enough.
Waiting for him to call is agony because I want to correct any bad impression I may have made with him, and also need to see him a second time to sort out what exactly is going on. I have no boyfriend plans for him as he is too young and too rooted in his culture which although not a problem for me, would be one for him eventually.
During our meet he made me no compliments but the fact he said he wanted to meet again should speak for itself.
I am just worried he has second thoughts really because of my nerves. My age and tattoos should not bother someone who just wants to be friends. We both know he is a lot younger than me and there is no long term future here and he knew about my tattoos as when I had the op the incision was made on the point of my leg tattoo.
Would a friendly sms on Sunday be permissible? I really need to know if I will see him again or just forget it as an abherration. Or should I send it now??
Thanks and sorry for this being so long;)
He replied nearly 3 weeks later, apologising for his delay and saying he'd been away at Easter with his brother and had a lot to do at work and is also moving house etc. He said he'd love to meet up for a coffee and would also like very much to improve his English, which is not his native language but which he needs for professional purposes.
I sent back an email (I did not have his phone number at that time) agreeing and asking him to ring my cellphone since he said on his email, one reason for his slow reply was that he rarely logs in.
He'd obviously had been waiting for my email though because a few days later he rang me, very keen to meet and said he'd meet me in the evening. The next day he rang in the morning; said he'd been put on night shift and had to meet me in the day and was that ok if we met for a coffee in the day instead before he went to work?
I agreed and we met, and spent 2 hours chatting about general stuff such as work, sport, music and his home country. I did not bring any material with me since I was assessing his level and it was not a formal lesson as such.
He said he'd like to continue with the lessons and maybe next time I could cook him an Italian meal which I once told him I was good at. He said in that case he'd make the starters, and bring a folk instrument which has has started to learn and we'd talk all the time in English.
I thought this seemed to be mixing business with pleasure and anyway, we both know that although he does want to learn English and that was purportedly the reason for the meet, we met because obviously there is some liking between us.
There are problems (in my mind at least) though:
1. I was very nervous during our meeting. This for a number of reasons not least because I am always nervous if I meet a man I am attracted to for the first time informally.
2. I have several tattoos. Men either like them or not and he did not. Moreover, one is of a snake and he said he hated snakes and why did I have them done? I said I was young and stupid, and he laughed and gallantly said 'what? 5 years ago?'
3. That leads me to problem 3 which is my AGE. I am MUCH older than him but like all men I meet, knows that I am older but not that old. Because of the circumstances in which I met him it is easy for him (and I think it will because now he is curious) to look up my age in the records where he works. I know I do look extremely young and fit and that leads to problem 4.
4. I do bodyfitness and intend to make my competition debut here in Europe next year. This is the reason I moved at great expense to this town because there is a famous Figure trainer here who I know have a training contract with. He, like many people, disapproves of this sport because of the drugs element (which is another topic). I told him that not all people take substances and I do not at the moment as a good bodybuilder should train naturally to their limit and then it is their decision what to do thereafter. He said of course it is nothing to do with him as a person and I could do what I liked but as a doctor he could not condone it.
In fact I met him in hospital when I broke my ankle. He is the surgical houseman and he assisted at my operation and I was there for a week. I later told his boss, the consultant surgeon, how appreciative I was of his assistant's help and care and would like to thank him personally and write to him. The consultant said that was nice and gave me the hospital address to write to him. So I did everything correctly and am no longer a patient there and that is ok. He was most flattered to be sent a thank you letter by a patient, it's the first time it has happened to him. He told me he really needed to improve his English and so that was our reason to meet although of course it was also social.
2 hours is quite a long time for the first meet and so he must have found me good company and also so say 'next time we meet' but I have those misgivings I outlined above. He knows I have not many friends here yet and asked me also about that.
My mother said either he really wants to improve his English and also cultivate a friendship with someone older than him who is interesting and whom he can learn from or else, could simply be a player.
He is a young Turk, modern and educated and born here but wants in a few years to return to Turkey and practise medicine there as a plastic surgeon. I know it is hard for me, but I would like to keep away from any intimacy and keep him as a friend. I do not have many friends, especially interesting and humourous ones. I felt he was quite special when I met him in hospital and otherwise would not have approached him. I told him this, in an unflirty way, just that I liked him as a person and enjoyed his company and he thanked me and said he would call. He said he didn't know when because obviously, as a hospital doctor, his time is at a premium, and he does not always know what his hours are.
However, he does have time for a social life or he would not have said that he'd meet me again. He said next time maybe I'd be less tense and said my body language showed me as very nervous which was true.
I am worried he gets a bad impression of me because of my nervousness. The age difference and tattoos should not matter to him if we have just a friendship and if, as he has said so many times, he just wants to learn English.
I badly want to message him by text (seeing as I now have his cell number and he rarely reads emails) but think it is too soon and I should wait for him to ring.
I only met him on Tuesday; it is Thursday today and he told me he is working on Saturday. I figured that if I hear nothing by Sunday I should sms him sending just a casual 'how are things?' in his own language (he said he'd teach me Turkish which could be useful here as there is such a large population of Turks) and this would be harmless enough.
Waiting for him to call is agony because I want to correct any bad impression I may have made with him, and also need to see him a second time to sort out what exactly is going on. I have no boyfriend plans for him as he is too young and too rooted in his culture which although not a problem for me, would be one for him eventually.
During our meet he made me no compliments but the fact he said he wanted to meet again should speak for itself.
I am just worried he has second thoughts really because of my nerves. My age and tattoos should not bother someone who just wants to be friends. We both know he is a lot younger than me and there is no long term future here and he knew about my tattoos as when I had the op the incision was made on the point of my leg tattoo.
Would a friendly sms on Sunday be permissible? I really need to know if I will see him again or just forget it as an abherration. Or should I send it now??
Thanks and sorry for this being so long;)

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2 days ago I had to go for a hospital check-up and he was in attendance with his boss, the consultant surgeon. He looked very, very uncomfortable; as if I was the last person he wanted to see and when his boss asked him about my recovery prognosis etc he could hardly be bothered answer and avoided looking anywhere but at my ankle.
This told me all I needed to know so that is that. I assumed he wanted no further contact and have been proved right. As you say, I only met him socially once and no harm done.
2 positive things came out of it:
I decided to learn Turkish. I speak several languages already and with so many Turks in Germany it is useful as I have many beginner students of English who are Turkish and nice to know a bit of their language.
I decided to incorporate Eastern dance into my next bodybuilding contest next year - assuming my leg ever gets better!
Often when you meet someone, although nothing may come of it, it can lead you into other or interesting directions.
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