Am I being stupid?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2003
Am I being stupid?
4
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 1:47pm

I'm hoping for some advice on the situation i'm in.

I met a wonderful guy late last year. He was my neighbor for almost 3 months and he would try to smile at me and make eye contact but I never reciprocated. We finally started talking when his mail was accidentally delivered to my mailbox and I had to give it to him. There was no stopping us from then on. We have lots of common interests, he is sweet and gentle, we talk about everything and are able to communicate really well with each other, we are fascinated by each others culture (we're from different cultures), we have similar careers and have lots of fun talking about work and helping each other out, we're like the perfect team and honestly i have lever loved anyone the way I love him and he says the same about me. Now here's the problem. When I first started to get to know him, he had just moved here from another country and his kids were back there with his wife (whom he's been separated from for 2 years before that). He adores his kids and one of the reasons I think he's a wonderful man is because of the way he loves his kids and what a wonderful dad he is. He really missed his kids and really wanted to get them to come here to the U.S. The only way he could do that was to encourage his ex-wife to move here with them so he can be close to them. It took a lot of convincing but she decided to move here with the kids about a month ago. I thought it would be a good thing but now I feel like i'm on the sidelines because he's living with his ex wife and kids and trying to get them accustomed to living here. I know there's nothing going on with him and the wife but I find it kinda hard to accept his living arrangements. He says that it's only for a month or so until they get used to handling things on their own. He will then move out and live somewhere close by where he could see his kids on a daily basis.

Now here are my questions. Am i being stupid for believing him and waiting for him to resolve his issues? He's not officially divorced yet and that bothers me too. He says that if he does that now, his wife will pack up her bags and take the kids back to her country and that will be the end of it. He wants to do it slowly because he's afraid that his kids will hate him for leaving their mom. Please just tell me honestly. Am I being blinded by the fact that I love him? Am i just living in a fantasy world thinking that he will get everything resolved and come back to me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
In reply to: it0112
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 5:06pm

I think you probably check into immigration law. Something sounds fishy with this story. I can't imagine a wife agreeing to upend her life and move to the US just so her kids will be close to their noncustodial father. Something is in it for her. It could be:

1. The two of them are trying to patch up their marriage and he hasn't clued you in about this detail. Maybe he hasn't told her about you either.

2. The lady is looking for a visa and maybe citizenship, in which case the two of them need to be living together as a married couple. If not, both will be breaking the law.

My guess is that he is going to make no effort to get a divorce, how would it help him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2006
In reply to: it0112
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 5:17pm

As much as you like him - I think the best thing you can do for yourself is to get out of this relationship now. He needs to resolve things with his wife, she isn't ex yet before he can be committed to you. You deserve better - you deserve a man that is available to you and only you. Please save yourself the heartache before this gets any deeper.

I wish you the best!
Morgan

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-11-2003
In reply to: it0112
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 5:18pm
Thank you for your concern and i understand what you're saying but she's not after citizenship or anything because she's already an american citizen. Puerto Rican's are considered American citizens. I do however think that she still want's to be with him even though he doesn't. His kids mean everything to him. I think he will do what it takes to keep his kids here and that might mean not getting a divorce as you said. I asked him to give me some time to think things through. I'm 95% sure that I should leave him. It's going to be hard getting over him because we really are very compatible and have gotten used to relying on each other for support, love and companionship. I just wish it wasn't so hard.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
In reply to: it0112
Fri, 09-15-2006 - 6:18pm

Sorry, but yes, you are being stupid to believe him. No, I don't mean stupid, that is mean. You are being naive, and I've been there a million times.

I've have tons of friends in the continental US from PR and they are a family-oriented culture. If he is here, I am sure there are family members or friends nearby she could live with who would help her integrate into the neighborhood. I would not believe this story. Not for a second. Sorry...