Am I being too direct?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Am I being too direct?
6
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 6:19pm
Whilst I believe in romance and mystery, I also believe in making clear some ground rules before a relationship is entered into. Now my online man and I are finally about to meet in real life and he has rung me every night and we have talked and talked about everything including our recent relationships and our disappointments and hopes. After a year in Italy I became brutalised by men saying 'do you want a f--k, b--tch?' constantly and I said twice I'd got drunk and given in and regretted it. He had had the opposite experience and dated a woman for 9 months who was frigid and even had trouble kissing, let alone sex. So I want to make it clear that just because I am not frigid doesn't mean I don't just want a FWB and want a real relationship. I am going to his city on Sunday for a week and looking for an apartment and then coming back here and going back to that city to relocate there. The thing is; in the heat of the moment and the romance of us first meeting, I don't want to have sex that week. Should I just tell him I don't want sex next week but that we should give it a month or is that being too direct? He knows I've had bad experiences with the assholes in Italy.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 8:59pm

I think that if you have to specify that you are not going to have sex right away with someone you HAVE NOT EVEN MET YET, then something is terribly wrong.

I would not say anything. If he has those unrealistic expectations, then he is not a gentleman.

Make your meetings next week in public places and don't go to his place or have him come to yours, if you think it will be hard to avoid temptation.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 10-06-2005 - 9:03pm

There's no such thing as being "too direct" when it comes to stating your

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2005
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 9:30am
Considering you've never met, you shouldn't have to worry about that. If he's assuming it's going to happen, then you certainly need to say something. Don't be afraid of his reaction. There's no such thing as "too direct" when you're talking about not wanting to sleep with someone. If you're not ready, he should understand that. If he doesn't, find some new friends in the new city.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 11:26am
Interesting answers:) Especially Jilly; yes, sadly Meditteranean people especially view the Internet as an online brothel. The civilised Italians that I met were very shocked that I should communicate with men I met online since online over there means hunting for sex. Because of that year I got used to talking about sex in crude terms and as I was never treated like a person, I stopped feeling like one and just like a piece of meat. This new guy is also European but from North Europe where they are more civilised. As soon as I started chatting to guys from that country I noticed the difference and how cool most of them were. Even so it has taken years of chatting to click the way I have clicked with this guy and whilst there is no guarantee; I feel we will also click in real life. This happened to my Scottish pal who met a lovely American lady online and they chatted for 6 months and when they finally met it was instant love:) The trouble is that online, if used properly, can be a very good tool to make new friends but if abused, is just sickening and I had so many unpleasant experiences in Italy so much so that i came to really dislike people from that part of the world and couldn't wait to leave. I don't want to offend my new man but I will make it plain that whilst i like sex, I don't want to do it too soon. And yes, I can't wait to meet him and to explore the new city and start a new life hopefully:)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 10-07-2005 - 11:45am
You are assuming that this man is going to want sex immediately. What gives you that impression?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Sat, 10-08-2005 - 8:04am
Because (when I was living in Italy) all the other men i met online did.