Am I Being Too hard on Him??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2005
Am I Being Too hard on Him??
13
Tue, 01-24-2006 - 7:50pm
Okay dating doyennes here is a question for all of you. I've been very close friends with Matt for a few months now. He has always had a major crush on me but now I am single and my feelings for him have grown fairly deep. He is so nice, he does everything for me and brings flowers all the time, and he is one of my best friends. He is my age, in our twenties, and he's so shy that sometimes he can't even look at me. He calls constantly, and has told me that he is in love with me. He seemed to think I was the greatest thing on the face of the planet, and even his friends have noticed that he's happier than he has ever been now.
Well, last night he came over and we had a few drinks. He has a low tolerance for alcohol and was a little drunk. He finally got up the nerve to kiss me and I let him. This is where it gets tricky.
He made a comment about how well I kiss, and maybe it was the alcohol but I THINK he sounded upset by that! Then he tried to go even further and I would not let him. He was just grabbing me all over the place, it was like he was out of control. I finally made him leave.
As much as I thought he adored me, wouldn't he have been much more gentle? I haven't spoken to him all day because I have been a little upset, thinking that I wanted it to be so romantic and it turned into that. He was so rough! Am I being too hard on him?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 7:36am

bella251..

Since this is the first time that Matt has become...err...'overly-aggressive' with you, PG suggests you chalk his behavior up to the EXTRA ALCOHOL!

Now if this starts to become a constant occurrence in the future, you might want to establish a few 'ground rules' before the 2 of you decide to take a drink!

Just out of curiosity...how well does he treat you when he's sober?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 12:07pm
Um, perhaps Matt isn't as shy as you think. If you had changed your mind and wanted to be more than friends with Matt I am confused as to why you didn't have a discussion about your change in plans first and then allowed Matt to ask you on a date.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 1:04pm
Piano Guy is right. Chalk it up to the "extra" alcohol. But you should tell him you are not happy with his behaviour. Do you like him, or do you just want to be friends with him?

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2005
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 4:54pm
When he's sober he treats me with all the respect. We have been on dates and I can tell he wanted to kiss me at these times but was too afraid to. I wasn't sure if that's what I wanted either, so I didn't encourage him in that. Yeah, the alcohol can be dangerous.
He called all day yesterday and I talked to him last night and he seemed to feel pretty bad about it. I saw him today and he didn't try to kiss me this time! He's probably scared to death to now...
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 6:00pm
You should still have a chat with him. If you act like it's okay, he'll slip up again and think it's okay. Soon, he'll be quite comfortable, getting drunk and slipping up.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2004
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 7:19pm

Nah, I think he just sounds very sexually inexperienced. Do you think you could actually be one of the first women he's gotten that far with?

My first bf was a virgin, as was I, and he fumbled and grabbed and did all things wrong for quite awhile until I started telling him what to do ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2005
Wed, 01-25-2006 - 7:25pm
LOL, he used to be married!! That's so funny. He should be pretty experienced. Either way, I think he knows that he screwed up. When I didn't answer the phone yesterday he was freaked out. He went shopping for stuff he doesn't even need and worked out four times and was pacing around and stuff. I don't think he'll do it again. He said that there was no excuse for it. But the thing is, now he'll hardly look at me and I think I've scared him away from ever trying to kiss me again! He came over today and did a bunch of yardwork for me and even took out the trash. I WANT him to kiss me but I don't want him to go all out of control again.


Edited 1/25/2006 7:27 pm ET by bella251
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 10:16am

He needs to take you out to dinner. He can kiss you properly when he drops you at home, like a gentleman.

Get this back on track the right way.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Thu, 01-26-2006 - 11:09am

It sounds like he is probably pretty inexperienced too. Do you remember those days back in high school with the groping and stuff? LOL - the alcohol paired with his inexperience of what is appropriate and probably with what feels good is likely what made him act this way. If you do like him and want to continue to date him, you might have to show him what you like and don't in a gentle way. However, this could backfire since it sounds like he might be hurt that you have more experience than he does. It's a tricky situation but if you want to date him and see where it goes, let him know you'd like to take your time with the physical and then help him figure out what is appropriate and what's not.

Edited to add (after reading the other post): Just b/c he was married doesn't mean he's experienced! If he was with her and only with her, he doesn't have a variety of experiences. Maybe they didn't get affectionate/physical very often. Maybe she liked that (OK maybe not) or at least maybe she didn't speak up so he doesn't know that's not what to do. You need to let him know what you like and want and go from there.




Edited 1/26/2006 11:13 am ET by vexer_hw

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2005
Fri, 01-27-2006 - 9:51pm
Yeah, you're right. He has taken me out to dinner but I guess it took the alcohol to give him courage to kiss me that night. I have seen him every day since then and his feelings are very strong, but he said that he doesn't want to "mess up again" and he'll let me make the next move if I want to.

Pages