Am I Being Unreasonable? Pls. Help

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Am I Being Unreasonable? Pls. Help
7
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 10:02am

I don’t know if this is a form of self-sabotage but I had been in a horrible relationship about a year and a half ago and he rarely called me – only communicated via email. He was the pull in/push away type so it left me constantly in a state of anxiety…like walking on eggshells. So now I’ve been dating this guy for a little over a month and he’s great. We have a lot of fun together and he seems like he really digs me as well. However, I don’t hear from him at all some days. It freaks me out cause I see other relationships where the couple email each other several times a day/talk on the phone at least once a day. But for me; it’s different. I hate it. Most women I know need some form of reassurance or contact. So for example, I get one email from him on Monday. I respond. I haven’t heard a word from him since this transaction. Most normal people would respond to MY last email.

So I feel like I’m going to end up in another one of those destructive horrible relationships like my last one so I already want to bail cause I’m not getting the kind of feedback/contact that I need. Not sure what to do. Is my perspective whacked or would you feel the same?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 10:15am
I think you should definitely calm down. It isn't right for you to expect these things from your guy so early in the game. Yes, you're looking for reassurance, but in reality, your reassurance needs to come from within! Realize what an awesome person you are! Remember all the things that you are interested in: hobbies, work, friends, family, your community. Realize that he's the lucky one, and that you'll give him your attention and respect in return for his. Your self-love/respect shouldN'T be based on your relationship alone. He doesn't need to call everyday or email everyday. If you try to make him feel that way, he may end up feeling trapped or that your expectations are much too high so early in the relationship. Being needy is a huge turnoff for most men. If he was into you before, he might be pulling away because of the neediness (which to men is a sign of other problems and generally very scary). Rediscover what makes you a great catch. When you BELIEVE that you are worthy of a great relationship, it will come!


Edited 12/1/2004 10:53 am ET ET by faaabulous
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 10:34am
Well, luckily he doesn't know that I feel this way so he has no idea that it's causing me such anxiety. I just am taking the fact that he doesn't want to touch base at least once a day and that I haven't heard from him since Monday early afternoon as he's lost interest. Do men just not need that kind of contact (even if they really like someone)?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 11:06am
Since you haven't heard from him in one whole day, you assume he doesn't like you anymore??? That's not good thinking at all! Now, if you haven't heard from him by Thursday or Friday, I'd start to think something was up, but he was probably just busy. Don't freak out. I swear, I've been exactly where you are before (pull you in, push you away relationships are my forte!), and it just does you no good to get worked up over the little things like this. Instead of thinking, "well, in my last relationship, the guy I dated did THIS to me- that's probably what's going on with my new guy", you should train yourself to think, "hmm... I wonder why Mr. Man didn't call... hm, oh well, I guess I'll talk to him later, he's probably really busy". If you ARE relaxed, he'll be relaxed, and he'll probably end up WANTING to call you everyday and send cute little love e-notes! Seriously, I'm not into all those self-help books, but I read one (my first) that I really enjoyed and felt like I got a lot of beneficial thinking from: "Why Men Love Bitches". It was funny and insightful, and gives you a lot of perspective on the way men think. It helped me realize that my self-respect comes before ANY man, and if he doesn't want to call every day, well, then fine! He'll probably miss out on some crazy/exciting thing that went on in my life!! It was nice to go from "living for him" to "living for ME!" Seriously, check it out. Because I know that when he calls today or tomorrow, you'll go back to feeling hunky dory, but next week, when he doesn't call for a day or two, you'll be right back in this predicament. You need to get to the root of the problem, which ISN'T his interest level in you, it's more so your belief that you are worthy of a great relationship.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 11:07am

Welll, for me, at this early stage of your r'ship, talking on the phone or emailing every couple of days would be about right, so long as you are also seeing each other a couple times a week. I don't think it's "abnormal" for him to take a day or two to respond to your last email at this early stage, at all.

If you'd been dating for quite a bit longer, then my answer would be different, but at this early stage, I think you are being a bit unreasonable.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 1:55pm
IMO everyone is different and every relationship is different. Some people talk on the phone many times per day when they are not able to be together and are joined at the hip the rest of the time. If they both want that and are happy with the relationship that way then that's fine for them. Other people are fine not talking on the phone very often and being together occasionally. At the beginning it is not unreasonable to not be in touch every day; it also isn't unreasonable to be in touch ever day. It's whatever suits the people best; some people want more interaction than others. It all depends on what YOU are satisfied and happy with. But the trick is to find someone who wants and needs the same thing. Projecting your wants and needs onto others who do not share them, especially at this early stage but really at any stage, is not wise nor will it bring you what you are looking for in a relationship. He might not check his email every day or he might not want to appear too eager by replying immediately. Who knows. My advice is do not rely on the computer too much for human interaction. Pick up the phone and plan a get together if that's what you are waiting for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 5:19am
Greetings Cholymelon,
Bellina here! I'd have to agree with most gals who've posted on the frequency of phonecalls,texts,etc..Given you've been seeing this fellow not that long,however he
does call 2x weekly? If so this is quite normal,and sometimes email isn't as reliable
as the oldfashioned telephone for communicating.I recall relying on email with a previous
fellow,he'd been lazy in responding,later discovered he wasn't on his computer daily.So please chat by the tele.If he ignores your voicemails and takes a week to chat back,then
you can worry.I'd also bring up upon your next inperson date,how he feels about where you're headed,and if there's chances for a more intimate love connection,inlieu of just
casually seeing each other.If you're having great gettogethers,feeling romantic,compatible in personality,interests,etc..super,then he should want to chat more
than 2x weekly.Or perhaps he prefers to chat in person,as some people just prefer this.Not all fellows are so comfortable sharing intimate,verbal banter over the tele,but rather see you face to face. So suggest inperson meetings become more frequent if his job and your schedule permits such. Best wishes, British galpal Bellina
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2004
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 8:25am
Consider where you draw your happiness from. If your happiness is conditional and is based on the response from another person, then you'll forever be controlled by someone else. Rather, seek your happiness from within where it's not conditional on any person. I have learned to enjoy many types of music and melodies when I'm alone, with a friend, or with a lover.