Am i being used?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Am i being used?!
6
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 2:37pm
I am 20 years old and my boyfrined of 2 1/2 years is 19. We have been living together for about 1 1/2 years now at my moms house, where I pay rent of $300.00 for the two of us. He is in his last year of school and works part time at a food store. He does not have a license or car at this time, so i must play taxi on most occasions, like to pick him up from school, take him ot work and so on. I currently pay his cell phone bill and take care of the groceries for us, along with all the other bills i have. He just found out that he has a child by another girl so he has to pay child support of $40 a week. I feel that he is expecting of me all the time, like i have to pay for everyting cause i make so much more than him. He never offers gas money, or says. "Lets go out to eat, my treat." Instead he maked sure he has cigarettes, or candy and buys pointless stuff and never offers me stuff. My birthday is tomorrow and i know he has not got me a gift. Last year i got a little cake, but they year before that......nothing, not even a card. I do understand that growing up alls he has seen is abuse to his mom and yelling, so he hasn't seen sweet romantic gestures. He tells me all the time (at least 10 times a day) how much he loves me, but someitme i think that maybe he does not know what love it. Wouldn't he WANT to buy me something, or get me a little card just to say i love you? why isn't he romantic?! I feel so frustrated and used so often, that my mind tells me to get out, but i know i love him and i hope he'll change. I feel so much like his mother at times that i dont want to leave him, cause i am affraid he will fall on his face. He has no one else that cares. I am very happy wiht him, except the idea of him doin stuff for me. I feel he only thinks about himself a lot, and expects me to support us caues i make a lot of money. And its not all about that...its about WANTING to do stuff for me. Is he using me?? Please help me! my heart is so confused at times i jsut feel like crying so hard. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 6:11pm
YES, YES, YES.

He is using you.

Why would you drive him to school and work? He's 19 and old enough to walk, cycle, take transit or do what he has to do to get there. Its not your responsibility.

Why would you pay for his cell phone? He chose to get one and he choses to use it - so there is NO reason you would be paying for it.

Why would you feed him? Tell him to buy his own food.

Relationships are about partnerships. You are being a doormat. Wake up. Otherwise, you will look back at your 20s as wasted time and energy. You will lament all you COULD have had if you weren't supporting a "child".

As to the baby from another girl, how does that happen when you have been together for 2.5 yrs? Unless he cheated on you? In which case, you are being COMPLETELY insane! Sorry, but why aren't your family and friends talking some sense into you?

Go.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Thu, 05-20-2004 - 11:32pm
Oh my god, get him out of there. He is a LOSER and is totally using you. You deserve and can get so much better. Don't sell yourself short. Throw him OUT.


Edited 5/21/2004 1:32 am ET ET by dannyboone
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2004
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 11:02am
OOOOOOOk!!! Listen, k, can I call you k. At your age or at any age you should not have to take care of man. A boy, maybe, a man never. And at your age, you are considered a woman unless your mentality is still in high school. Either way it goes there are laws for women being with boys and vice versa. Let me tell you a little (long) story. I was married at the age of 16. No, I wasn't pregnant, I thought I was in love. My husband refused to work, so at the age of sweet 16, I was cleaning houses for $40.00 a pop. This provided me and him for toothpaste and soap and things like that. We slept on a floor for quite sometime at his grandmother's house. On the floor! He was 19. Finally I became pregnant and he began to work but I had gotten him so accustomed to paying for things that it continued on....(story too long to tell) Now twelve years later I am divorced with three kids and he is still unemployed and his woman is taking care of him. See, they don't change. It's funny cause I had this discussion this morning with a man I am dating. He is unemployed and I don't see him stressing to find a job. Your boyfriend is employed but only takes care of himself. Let him take care of himself, if you love him, but you don't play any part in taking care of him. Those $300.00 you are paying $150 should be from him. He stays there right. All the bills of the house should be equal (for now at least). In reference to taking you out (a man will only do what you let him do), don't allow it. He won't take you out, take yourself out, or your friends out. Leave him at home since he likes to be there so much. K, once you get the bills situated, then you can start treating him to a movie or dinner or whatever because you make more money than him. But you have to let him be a man and stop handling him like a boy. If you handle him like a boy that is what he is going to be. As time passes this will become the worst relationship if you don't nip it in the bud. And tell him to GROW UP! You're a lady...and that's the way you should be treated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 11:48am

Yes, he's using you.. and you are allowing yourself to be used.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Fri, 05-21-2004 - 3:18pm

Hello kpoinsett!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Sun, 05-23-2004 - 12:33pm
Dear kpoinsetto226,

Oh YES I feel you are making life pretty gravy for ol'boy and he'd be a fool to let that gravy train go. Cut the crap, honey, you have your head on straight let him learn to be a REAL man and the old saying still goes "God made woman from mans rib not to be above him OR below him. To be his equal, Nothing more nothing less. Back off with the favors, tell him why, and stand back and wait for him to show you something resembling being a MAN ,but, prepare for him to turn MOUSE and run. It is good he's paying for his creation. Careful there isn't another creation with you to really gum things up. Good Luck Girl!! This isn't easy but ya gotta know if you needed HIM he could and would be there for you 110% without ANY doubt. I've been there done that and it will make you detest his weakness in the long run. He's not your child, he's supposed to be your PARTNER.