am I dating a loser?
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| Mon, 05-07-2007 - 7:47pm |
I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 5 years about 5 months ago. I’d usually take a long time to “mourn” a break up, this time I decided not to do that. One of the main reasons is that I’m now 32 y/o and do not want to shut down the opportunity to find true love.
Just a little over a month ago , I met this person online (he replied to my posting). He is 37 y/o, and is an executive at a pretty big company (and this is true because I already googled him to confirm it). According to him, he has never been married and has no kids. We have been seen each other 2-3 times a week. So far, he seems like a very sweet guy. He is attentive. He does not invite me out at the last minute. He took me to a performance and invited me two weeks ahead of time. He has been a true gentleman.
So what’s the problem you may ask? During our third or fourth date, he mentioned that he lived with his sister (who is married and have kids), he also mentioned that his “stuff” are all in storage and that he was in a transitioning period. He said he last lived with a girlfriend about 7 years ago for only a year. He did not volunteer much information. I was able to get this info out of him by asking him directly, but then decided to stop asking because I did not want him to feel uncomfortable with all my questions and I believed he was already feeling uncomfortable.
After that date, I could not stop thinking what he meant by “transitioning period.” On our next date, I asked him point blank why are you living with your sister, are you separated and why are your things in storage? He said that he is actually living with his mother. (I don’t know if I felt worse after he told me that). He said that his lease was up and he decided not to renew it and that his mother was going through a difficult time since the death of his father almost 3 years ago so he decided to move in with her in the meantime until he decides whether to rent again or buy his own place. Well, he has been living with his mom for a year. He picked me up the other day and he had this beat up car from the early 90’s. Yet, he takes me to these fancy places and so far has been spending on me on average $250 per week. I can’t pay for these dinners, but in retribution I cooked him dinner at my house one night.
Here is my dilemma. I’m not shallow and I’m certainly not interested in his money, but I am concerned that what I described above shows that he may have problems managing his finances or that he is just a loser. I am very career oriented and good managing my own money. I bought my home when I was only 26 years old. My mother, who is elderly and disabled, lives with me because I do not earn enough to pay for her rent and my mortgage.
He has this great position and I know for a fact that he makes about 3-4 times my salary. I can’t yet figure out why he still lives with his mom and doesn’t have his own place. I do not think he is married. We have been spending a considerable amount of time together. I paid one of those companies online to find people. His address is listed where he says he lives and only his mother and his deceased father are listed as the additional residents. He seems like a great guy and I enjoy his company very much. I don’t want to screw this up. However, I do not want to get involved with him only to end up heartbroken. Do you think there is something fishy here? Am I just dating a loser? I also think, how are we going to continue dating if no one has a place where we can spend time together alone? I’m already feeling very uncomfortable going out to dinner every week when I can’t pay for these dinners. Thanks for taking the time to read this long posting.

Where are you living? Can't you two be alone at your place?
It sounds like he is having financial difficulties. It's not cool that he lied about which family member he is living with. If you still like him, you can suggest that you two scale down the type of dinners you eat or eat in more often even with take out food. Or you can go to a late movie and have some drinks afterwards. There are ways to work around it. The good news is that he does have a good job and can rebound from this situation if that is what he wants for himself. He could have gotten in over his head with the ex and maybe they spent alot of money together.
I didn't like either the fact that he lied to me, but I think he was embarrassed to say that he lived with his mother. I guess he thought that living with his sister sounded better.
I don't understand why you're assuming the worst when he could be living with his mom for the same reason yours is living with you--because he wants to be responsible for his mom and can't afford 2 households.
However, I would have an issue with him lying. I'd talk to him further about that and find out why he lied to you. If it's for any other reason than embarrassment, then I'd move on. And even if that's the reason, I'd think twice about staying involved with someone who would lie for that reason.
Sheri
Well, his lack of funds could be the result of someone taking him for a ride, a bad investment, an honest mistake or someone who is lacking the ability to manage his money. You can ask him how this happened to him directly, I know it is uncomfortable, but you should find out sooner than later when you have invested your heart.
Okay, you seem to accept his lie because he was embarrased --- you might want to keep an eye on his pattern of lying, that could also play a part.
I have no one special in my life. I am alone right now with no prospects for love and it has been this way for quite some time but I would still rather be alone than with someone who was a liar. Sure there have been crushes, but no relationships, or any relationship that has come out of any crush - very one sided of course- but at least I know that someone cute could catch my eye - so I'm not dead yet, hehe. But, even with the crushes, I haven't seen anyone with any real character - everyone is in roleplay - even the idiots who purpot to be "real" and "normal" - what a turnoff - not a brave soul in the bunch. They will even lie on national tv to go along with a sick game so that they don't get b*tchslapped by someone - what a disappointment!!! But, such is life and there will always be another cutie somewhere to catch my eye.