Am I disrespecting myself here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Am I disrespecting myself here?
6
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 12:06pm

Looking for some advice and any you can offer would be great.

Am I being foolish and disrespecting myself.

I have been talking to someone for a little while now, emails almost everyday and a call here and there. I see him on average once a week, we have just watched a movie oe just hang out together and talk for awhile, met for a drink, things like that. We don't do much of the "physical" type stuff when we see the other, there are times where we have not kissed or hugged at all, we will sit by the other, playful touches on the arm or leg, nothing serious but then there have also been times while back and then the other week where we were and did try sleeping with the other.

The reason why I am asking if I am being foolish or disrespecting myself is because he is in the process of getting over someone. I know what that feels like it, it takes times, a lot of time and it hurts. I also know how I viewed others during that time. I wanted to enjoy a man's company but it never lasted, I was still thinking of the ex, etc.

I don't know if it is a right thing to do for me, can this person or anyone or myself respect me, can I be proud of who I am when I am speaking with someone, wanting to see him and was willing to sleep with him when I know he still loves her, he told me so. I have been in situations where I knew the guy I was seeing was very interested in me, they would call everyday, not just email or they would want to see me all the time, not just once on a weekend, they would try to have lunch or meet the other for dinner but I also know everyone has things to do durinig the week so thats not it so much. I knew men wee interested and ready for something with me because they did want to be with me in that way and if it was up to them they would alwyas want to at least kiss or be near the other as I did for them...I knew there was chemistry. I dont feel this guy does but may

be acts in that way because he may just miss it. I dont know if I am being a fool by allowing this to contimue where we do talk and I will see him and I will allow that closeness ot happen if he does try to come close that night when I know and he told me he still loves his ex and wants to be with her but he just cant because something had happened.

They split up for having different goals, not heading in same direction, she wont compromise..it has nothing to do with feelings.

I do care for this man and I enjoy his company but I dont want to disrespect myself for being there for him and putting myself in that position when I know he wants another and its like he wants to be something because he will contact me and asked every now and then to do something but I know its not how most people are when they start to like someone.

If it was up to him...I believe he would continue this for awhile longer, email, call, maybe see if I wanted to spend time with him some Saturday afternoon or evening and maybe not the next time or time after that but one night he may start to kiss me again but I dont know if I should. he is also moving in a couple months so its not like it will continue and we both know that so it is just for the time being so again, am I disrespecting myself because maybe I am just a filler for right now.

I know I can not speak for him...I am just wonrdering what you would do if you were me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 12:35pm
If you want a committed relationship with him it could be a long wait. Not that there is anything wrong with him needing some healing time. But you could become very attached to him and if he still isn't over his ex gf, then it could be very heartbreaking for you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2004
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 4:17pm

Wow, you sound like you are in the EXACT relationship I WAS in!! Hence the term 'was'. We dated for 3 months, he was never really touchy feely, it seemed like I was initiating all the kissing and fooling around, but what confused me is that he would call me everyday, text me etc. So I thought he was into me, but he was never overly affectionate. It confused me to no end! He was also still trying to get over someone but he couldn't let his emotions go and feel again. We had a talk last week about what was going on. He said this wasn't like him, he's not normally like this and he doesn't know what is wrong. He is having a hard time opening up to people and keeping his distance. He was really hurt by her and he was afraid to get hurt again, or at least that was his excuse. We were intimate but only one time and nothing for a month afterwards. Finally, on New Years Eve, I was trying to figure out if we were hanging out that night and he wouldn't give me a straight answer, he told me not to plan my night around what he was going to do. I knew right then, that if he couldn't even decide if he wanted to hang out with me on NYE, he wasn't ready to give me everything I needed, so I ended it. He pretty much knew it was over too, he just couldn't open up.

Point in all of this.: Don't hold on hoping he will change and open up more to you. Talk to him about what's going on, give it some time, give yourself a certain time limit. If things don't change by a certain date, then move on. You deserve exactly what you want and nothing less. Do not settle. The guy I dated was a great guy but he didnt' give me everything I needed. Yes I miss talking to him but I know someone out there is better for me and in the end I'll be happy with myself for not settling. Good luck!

Layx2

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2005
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 4:26pm
I think you are selling yourself short. You need to either be straight with this guy about how you are feeling and be ready that he may not be feeling what you are. Or you have to cut him loose. Don't waste your time. You don't want to be a filler or stand in. You want to be wanted for you and you deserve that. Let him get over his exgirlfriend and when he does if he still feels the same and you do to give it a go. But for right now I think you could be potentially headed for heartbreak.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Wed, 01-04-2006 - 10:37pm

I don't think "disrespecting" yourself is exactly the right term.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 12:17pm

Thank you for the response. Thanks Everyone.

That is exactly how I feel that I am his "medicine" because what seems to help heal broken hearts....falling for someone else. I am not saying he is doing that or should do but I know that in the past when I was hurting over or another it does make you feel better, even thought it may just be for that evening, it does help you smile a bit. I believe I am his way of enjoying a night or afternoon. Before I am sure he spent it with her and now he does not have that. What makes it difficult is I also agree that he must at least like me somewhat...maybe just as a friend but my personality in order to spend that time with me. No matter how bored I may get, if I don't enjoy another's company, I will not call them. I agree with what you wrote.

Others posted that it could lead to some heartache because his intentions would not be the same as mine. I would love to be this man's friend but it does get difficult because my feelings do get hurt when he said he loved her and wants to be with her. My feelings get hurt when he does not ask to see me. I keep nvolved in other things, I don't see him being as my end all but I couldn't help but wonder if I was disrespecting myself because I know I am his "medicine" and yet I put myself in situations where I want to be but yet I don't feel in the end will help me only hurt me.

I will try to be cool with him and enjoy his talking to me but I don't think I should he "physical" with him anymore. If we were on the same page then maybe...if it was for fun and mutual but since it is not...its more to me and I will feel more "obligated" its bets I do not. As far as seeing when he gets over her..it wont be an option because by then he would have already moved.

Its tough. Thank you for everyone who replied back.

-Dani

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Thu, 01-05-2006 - 7:00pm

Bravo!

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