Am I just being jealous??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Am I just being jealous??
13
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 12:34pm
I've been dating this guy for just over 2 yrs now. Last year he used to go for walks with this married girl we work with for exercise. I guess I had a problem with her then because I didnt trust her, he and I were always finding that her stories didnt match up or she lied about somethings. When we became more serious, he stopped taking walks with her. Recently she has stopped working with us and has been doing some modeling on the side. My guy has a certificate in photography and likes to re-finish pictures etc...we'll here's the problem: A couple of weeks ago he came to me and told me that he agreed to re-finish these pictures and it turns out that they are naked pictures of her. Needless to say I was livid! I am hurt sooo much by this. She is a very attractive girl and the thought of him looking at her naked body annoys me to no bitter extent. We've discussed it and he says he understands but he is still doing them. He says he does not look at them in 'that way'. He just skips over the 'crotch shots' and looks for shoulders and face. Somehow I cannot believe that, I feel so strongly that this isnt right. Am I being bitten by the green eyed monster of jealousy??

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Avatar for unsure4now
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 12:54pm
OH MY GOSH! I would be beyond LIVID!! I know that you are going to get many opinions, but here's mine- I would be pissed. I feel that he is disrepecting you in a few ways. He KNOWS that this girl makes you uneasy; your gut is always right and your gut is telling you all along NOT to trust her. She has nerve giving him these pics!!! Sounds like she is surfacing again to stir the pot.

And he is just going along and "doing his thing" (re-touching naked photos of HER) without any regard to your feelings, to me it seems. I wouldn't have it.

I have had a similar situation with my now beloved S/O. A very attractive MARRIED co-worker of ours was HOT on my man's trail, but he began to ignore her as we became an item, so she gave up. If I found any evidence now that he was encouraging her attention again, I'd be quite upset.

But that's just me! Good luck with everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 1:38pm
I wouldn't believe him either. AS IF!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 3:35pm
I'd like to encourage to broaden your thinking and consider some facts as it seems you are having an emotional response to a situation only. A couple of questions for you to consider:

1 - Do you agree that he has the professional talent and capabilities to re-touch photographs?

2 - Do you believe that he can gain income through this talent?

3 - Would you have the same feelings if the pictures were from a total stranger or a model in which you have had no previous contact?

A person that re-touches/re-finishes photographs would have to take the same approach as a gynocologist. There is a function to be performed without any emotional attachment. If you can not accept this statement freely, then you likely do have a jealousy issue that will manifest itself repeatedly given his talent. If you are not prepared to deal with that root issue, then it would be best for you to break-up and move on as you will always wonder.

I think it is critically important to seperate the issue, the people and the emotion when dealing with conflict. Facts must be considered when making decisions not just emotions. He knows that you do not like the current situation and he is trying to demonstrate he has a professional outlook on this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 4:36pm
LOL. Except that gynocologists don't examine people they know!! Which is why he shouldn't retouch nude photos of women HE knows -- conflict of interest and/or upsetting to his SO. If earning money from this "project" and exercising his talent is more important to him than respecting his SO's feelings and the boundaries of his relationship (which obviously he and she are not on the same page about), then she should re-examine being with him while he examines the "head and shoulder shots only." What a load of crap.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 4:46pm
Thats why I asked the questions I did. Is this emotional response 100% due to the person involved or is it due to what he is doing. There is a huge difference and that FACT must be considered before an effective decision is made.

Your phrase of: "respecting his SO's feelings and the boundaries of his relationship" really means - Do it her way and her way only - which also means she will ultimately want significant control in this issue.

It goes right back to broadening your thinking, discussing the REAL issue at hand based on facts not just emotions. If the OP doesn't trust him, then that is a totally different set of issues. Its not like the woman in question is going to be right beside him while he re-touches the photos.

Avatar for unsure4now
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 4:47pm
As another post on another board says,"WOULD YOU LIKE SOME FRIES WITH THAT BALONEY?"

Can't agree with ya buddy. He can take his professionalism and apply it elsewhere. His S/O feelings should be his #1 concern, and they are not. WRONG!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 4:55pm
As I mentioned in my previous post - is this issue 100% due to the woman involved or the fact that he is dealing with nude photos. My advice stands. They need to understand the core issue not just the emotion attached with the issue.

Feelings are a result of situations and choices. They are rarely aligned to fact. Get the real facts then make the effective decision. Until the OP can answer the 3 questions I asked in the first reply we will not know the true facts.

Attempting to control situations based solely on emotions can easily lead to manipulation. If her "feelings" need to be the ultimate authority in how decisions are made then that is a much bigger issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 5:31pm
i have to agree with spiceman. he can look at in a very rational way, the way your boyfriend is now, as a job. Theres no issue for your boyfriend because he doesnt think of it as looking at her naked bod. He stopped walking w/ her didnt he? also, he rejected your negative request because he odesnt see anything wrong w/ retouching the pictures. I'd be worried if he overreacted , this would mean something IS going on w/ the girl and he. But he didnt, so there is nothing going on. YOu should feel confident iwth this if you trust him.

Also, be careful with the requests because he will and does feel controlled right now. this isn't a good thing.

honestly, if you trust your boyfriend this will not be an issue going forward. trust is tested alot throughout relationships. this is one of those times... try to remember how much you love him/vice versa.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 6:11pm
I don't necessarily think making a decision based on someone else's feelings is them controlling me. Isn't that what consideration and empathy for another person is about? Human beings have feelings and feelings ultimately come into play in making decisions, right or wrong...we're not robots. A person can think logically and with a cool head and still take another person's feelings into account.


Edited 4/13/2004 6:18 pm ET ET by zurah
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 11:22pm
This is tooooo funny........ :)

I say no, hell no, you are not jealous. Jenn1717

this is straight disrespect from your man to you,

this is disrespect from HER to you and your man.

she knows you have a relationship with him,

and she WANTS him to see her naked a$$... LOL ....

oh well......

i let my male friend read this and he said...

broaden her thinking for his talent... yea right..

and "Pimpin' ain't easy" .


take care

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