Am i just hoping?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Am i just hoping?
4
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 10:33am
I AM A 37 YEAR OLD, DATING A 28 YEAR OLD GUY NOW FOR 34 MONTHS. HE HAS HIS OWN PLACE BUT LIVES AT MINE. I ASK HIM TO HELP OUT SINCE HE IS LIVING HERE AND HE TURNS COLD.I RENT HE OWNS,( WE ALSO GOT A BUILDING PERMIT 2 YEARS AGO TO BUILD ON TO HIS HOUSE AND HAVE DONE NOTHING.) I PAY ALL THE BILLS AND HE FAILS TO HELP OUT REGULARY,MAYBE $50.00 A MONTH OR $20.00 HERE OR THERE. MY LIVING EXPENSES ARE ALMOST $2,400.00 A MONTH. I TELL HIM FOR US TO HAVE ANYTHING OR ENJOY THE REST OF OUR LIVES TOGETHER IF THAT IS WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WE HAVE TO WORK TOGETHER.AND HE REPLIES HE IS NOT SURE WHAT HE WANTS IN LIFE! HE HAS MOVED OUT SEVERAL TIMES BACK TO HIS HOUSE FOR A NIGHT AND THEN COMES RIGHT BACK. HE MAYBE HAS 4 OUTFITS HERE AND NEVER GOES TO HIS HOUSE ,ONLY TO CHECK HIS MAIL.THEN COMES RIGHT BACK. AM I BEING USED? BECAUSE WE EACH SUPPORT A HOME WE CAN NOT AFFORD TO VACATION, HAVE DINNER OUT, BUY ANY EXTRA FUN THINGS IN LIFE. AND DON'T THINK WE WILL EVER WITH HIM NOT KNOWING WHAT HE WANTS IN LIFE. AM I HOLDING ON TO ANYTHING? I DO LOVE HIM. BUT I AM NOW HAVING RESERVATIONS. NOT SURE WHAT I SHOULD DO? I TOLD HIM THAT IF HE COULDN'T DECIDE WHAT HE WANTED IN LIFE, I HOPE IT WASN'T TOO LATE, BECAUSE I MIGHT NOT BE HERE WHEN HE DECIDES, AND HE SAYS I HOPE NO ONE ELSE COMES ALONG. WHAT SHOULD I DO?? MY FRIENDS TELL ME TO KICK HIM OUT, HE'LL DECIDE WHAT HE WANTS. SHOULD I MOVE ON?? WE DO HAVE ALOT OF FUN TOGETHER. WHY IS HE STALLING?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-12-2003
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 10:59am
He's not stalling--you are! You keep allowing him to come back, you allow him to live in your house without any responsibility and you allow him to stay eventhough you want more out of a relationship. In order to get the answer to this, you have to admit these truths to yourself first. He has told you what he wants (which does not match what you want), he has let you see where this is going (which is not where you want it to go) and he has shown you his level of responsibility (which is not up to your standards). So the real question is--when are you going to admit that this is not the relationship for you and say goodbye to it? Remember, this is not about him. This is about what you are accepting.

The other thing is the age difference. He's in a very different place in his life than you are. At 28, he's probably trying to figure out his course in life and what he wants out of it. At 37, you've probably figured that out already. Different directions makes for conflict... Just something else to think about.

I hope this helps. Good luck.

PS: Please take the caps off. When online, many people will constrew that as shouting. :)

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2004
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 2:58pm
Thanks for your input. And about the cap lock. I'm new at this. I hope I can work threw this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2002
Sun, 04-18-2004 - 3:15pm
Hello...

You may not want to be alone, but the bottom line is if he's living in your home, he has to contribute financially to the household. If he doesn't, but is getting all of the benefits, then yes, you are being used. Its up to you how long you choose to stay with him, but you may have to do something drastic in order for him to realize that you're not going to allow him to keep up this irresponsible behavior. It sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. Whatever you decide, don't issue any ultimatums inless you are preapred to go through with them. Good luck!!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 1:28pm
Excuse me........ he knows exactly what he wants.......

The freedom to come and go as he please......

Or shall I say as he is being pleased.......

As long as you are STILL serving the "cake" in the

"free" hotel (your home), he will walk through the door

again and again to sit at your "table" for another slice.

I agree with the others....change.....

lock your door... go sit at "his" table.

take care.