Am I only hurt because I feel rejected?
Find a Conversation
| Thu, 10-21-2004 - 11:27pm |
I have been trying really hard to let go of a relationship with a guy who I love very much. We still have some interaction due to the fact that we work together, which in some ways makes it harder and other ways easier. Our relationship history is extrodinary complicated and troubled (whose isn't? ;) ) and he's not sure what he wants right now, he just knows he is unhappy. He's been very upfront with me.
This breakup has been so painful for me, which I guess is normal. I feel these feelings of desperation, like I just want to call him and try to make it work because it hurts so much to not be with him. I know this is not a healthy behavior so I control myself. But in my head I feel like this big wimp with no pride and just want to cling to him and our relationship.
However, I have noticed that these "desperate" feelings seem to almost go away anytime he gives any inclination that he misses me, or that he might be changing his mind (which isn't very often). But it makes me wonder if maybe I'm having other issues going on that are behind my "need" to be with him. It's almost as if it hurts so much only when I feel like he doesn't want me, versus it hurting because the relationship isn't working. Does this make sense? Is this an indication that I have other issues going on? It seems like the pain should be coming from the loss of the relationship, but instead its coming from the feeling of being rejected... like if he suddenly changed his mind and wanted to be with me forever, that I might then feel like I'm not so into it anymore.
What is the deal with this? Having to write it out into words makes me realize this is not a healthy way to feel :( I'm trying to understand what's going on in my head that's making me feel this way - it seems really not right and unfair to him should he actually change his mind. Can anyone help me understand what's really going on with me? Thanks :)

halosls...
Pianoguy doesn't want to pry into your personal life...but...when was the last time you had a complete physical? Do you think your hormones might be trying to tell you something?
The only reason I bring this up is that you're desperate to telephone your EX one minute, but if he gives you any indication (or to use your word, "inclination") to get back together...your desperate feelings for him start to dissolve!
Breakups aren't easy for most of us to handle. When you're used to having someone in your life for a long period of time...and that person is suddenly missing...the adjustment can be difficult. But I honestly wonder if your head, heart, and perhaps a few other of your body parts...might be 'out of sync' in some way? Just my 2 cents.
Pianoguy
You very well may have other issues going on, but who doesn't? :-) Really, show me a person who has it all figured out... they are probably very old, because they have accumulated so much wisdom from all they've been through, or they're dead. Or they are the Dalai Lama.
I hear ya though... I've wondered if it's really a relationship I wanted, or if it was just knowing someone loves me. I've wondered what hurt worse, the loss of a relationship, or knowing that someone does not want to be with me.
What you may be struggling with is feelings of worthlessness. He calls, you get some attention, you feel better. You don't have contact, you feel bad again, desperate.
You may want to consider counseling. A therapist, a good one, can help you sort out your feelings. You can become aware of what is going on, and you can heal that part of you that wants to cling.
Kickboxing also helps. It helps me anyway.
A~
Thanks pianoguy and amber for your responses - you guys are awesome!
I very well may be hormonal AND in need of some therapy! I feel like I'm going crazy most of the time.
In actuality, I think I just want to feel like I have someone "there" who wants me. I think it makes me feel secure and feel safe. I am highly motivated by things that contribute to my sense of security and predictability. Lets just say I'm not exactly a huge fan of adventure or change ;) Give me my nice little routine that I can count on each day and I'm a happy camper. But I really do love this guy - I guess I just need to get to a point where I can truly believe that if things dont work out with him, then they'll work out with someone else. I was reading something this morning that said not to resist change in your life. I resist it HUGELY!!! So I think I just need to let go a little and trust that things will work out for the best one way or another. It's kinda trite I know, but it sometimes helps to think that way. Boy this sure is hard, I hate to let go of it. BUt I know I can't make him want to be with me, it's got to come from him completely or else it's no good at all.
you know when you say that you are more sad at him rejecting you than the relationship.....this is also a huge blow to your EGO.
I been there once before where I know I really didn't want the guy but felt extremely bad because it was not working out. I was like what is wrong with me, this guy is someone I know I don't see myself marrying so why do I feel bad for him not wanted to work things out.
I kept crying for days and then woke up one morning and realize it had NOTHING to do with him, it was ME, it was because I had been thinking all along, he rejected ME, and how dare he reject ME, with all that i have to offer and you know just like that I got over it. Because I also realized hey, I'm worth more than this loser and here I am acting all pityful and needy when I know I COULD do better.
But back to the point - I think it is an ego thing. I mean, I would really love to be with him, but I think my pain is coming from the feeling like I'm not special to him anymore and not wanted. I wish I could just snap out of it and move on with my life, but I feel like I'm a CD with a scratch on it that just keeps skipping again and again on the same place, just stuck on this guy and my feelings for him. I wish something would just come along and move the CD to the next track!! If this song isn't good, then I want to move on to the next already :)