Am I overreacting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-07-2004
Am I overreacting?
1
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 6:21am
I'm sorry this is kind o long, but I really need some smart insight here... I met my boyfriend a couple of months ago and we hit it off right away. We started going out a lot and became very close in a matter of a few weeks, it kind of seemed like we had known each other for years. He even started telling me he loved me just a month after we started going out. I don't think he lied about it, I can feel he has strong feelings for me. Anyways, as usual, there's always a bad side to everything and with this guy it's the fact that he's always been kind of a womanizer. Maybe not a womanizer per se, but he's this type of guy that has a bunch of girlfriends in his life, not in a romantic or sexual way, but I can feel it's not a normal innocent friendship either. He's a very social and outgoing person, I would say very charismatic and charming, and whenever he meets new people, everybody just loves him. The thing is, I don't have anything against him having all these girlfriends in his life, they were part of his life before I met him and I don't mean or expect to change anything. When we were just starting to know each other as friends and spoke openly about everything, he admitted that he kind of "needed" to have all these girlfriends in his life because he never feels fulfilled with just one girl, that he likes a little from each of them and all of them together kind of "completed" him. But what really annoys me is that just a couple of weeks before he tells me that for the first time in years he feels complete with just one girl (me!), etc., etc, and that he was starting to feel like he doesn't need anyone else. Then he alone, without me pushing him or anything, stopped talking and seeing all these other girlfriends and started to focus just on me. And this guy, he is such a charm, he puts you up on a pedestal makes you feel like you're the 8th world wonder. Anyways, this past weekend we went out of town and met up with a bunch of friends at his vacation house. There's this girl that I kind of had the feeling he liked a little, but I didn't pay attention to that and didn't make a big deal about her going. Anyways, we went to a bar Saturday night and I was minding my own business, my boyfriend was not around and it was strange since he is so "crazy" about me that he's always on me hugging me and kissing me and telling me how much he likes me. Then as I'm looking around the bar, suddenly I see him with his arms around this other girl's waist. I mean, I don't mean to be a jealous freak, but is that ok or not? I personally didn't like that, but ok, I didn't want to be a jealous freak so I didn't say anything, I just let it pass, although they were like that for a while. Then I kind of lost them and went and started talking with other friends and kind of forgot about them. Then I was going to the bathroom I see my boyfriend and this girl in a corner away from the rest of the people, not doing anything wrong like making out or anything, just talking and drinking, but I don't know, it was kind of a shock seeing them together away from the rest, I don't know, it's hard to explain but even though they were not making out it just seemed wrong! And my boyfriend even had this guilty look in his face when he saw me and he asked, "Are you ok?" Why wouldn't I be ok if he wasn't doing anything wrong, right? I didn't say anything but just walked away and left them there. So I was upset about that but we didn't talk or anything that night because we were all getting kind of drunk so nothing would have made sense at that point. Anyways, the next day we talk about it and he says I'm overreacting and that I shouldn't have a problem with him having all these girlfriends since we had agreed from the beginning that our relationship was an open one, no strings attached and we had not decided to be exclusive or serious yet. Well, that's true and I also wanted to start off like that, I don't like to rush into things and get serious too quickly without first really knowing the person, but still, that just didn't feel right to me! I mean, one thing is him having all these girlfriends from the past, but now that he's dating me, why does he still need to make new girlfriends? And I'm telling you, although there was no making out or kissing with this girl, I could tell there was some kind of attraction between them. And then there's this thing that popped out in my mind that once he told me that he used to cheat on all his past serious relationships. So I told the guy that I wasn't sure I wanted to continue our thing after all this. Not necessarily because he did anything wrong with this girl, but just because this situation plus the fact that he used to be a cheater in all his serious relationships, made me realize I might be heading for trouble with him if I ever get too close to him or fall in love with him. So it's kind of a defensive reaction, I kind of rather end this right now before I get too into him and end up having my heart broken. I don't know, even though nothing wrong happened, for some reason my instinct tells me he's trouble and I'm going to get my heart broken some day. Now I don't know what the heck to do. Am I overreacting over nothing or is it normal that I feel this way? Do you guys think that I'm nuts because of the way I reacted over this girl at the bar or I was right about getting upset? I don't know if I'm making a mistake here, backing away from this great guy I feel really strong about, because of his past actions and just this feeling I have that he's going to break my heart some day. I had my heart broken once with a guy with a similar pattern, kind of like a womanizer who liked to have many girlfriends, so it's like I'm scared its going to happen again. Please give me some smart advice!
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Mon, 09-27-2004 - 9:10am
whew! finally i was able to finish ur text reading....ahem! now.....hmmm....i m a 27yr old single guy...and i m in no way a womanizer....and m quite emotional...yup...and sing a lot...and surprisingly...a beautiful blonde lady in the office became emotional over me...but as bcoz i wasnt looking for any relationship (as she is married)..and i m happy single...i started avoiding her ...and something told me she became even more crazy about me...coz she was waiting for me afer hours...as i start work after hours...but i continued avoiding her...damn! the last thing i wanted was to bcome emotional about her...but i finally gave up...when she left me a note which actually might be a little vulgar if i wanted to put here...so anyway...she left for her holidays and i didnt see her for a month..and i was so upset that i ignored her that way...and probably broke her heart...so when she came back and i saw her again...i looked into her eyes like trying to say i m sorry...and she seemed happy to see me giving her attention...but then she started to ignore me...i guess she had grown good relationship back again with her husband...but i was very upset so i sent her flowers...with elvis written(as she is crazy for her, and i somewhat sing like him)....guess what happened? from the next day onwards...i havent seen her...again...its been 2 weeks now and she is running away from me...not only that...but her lady colleague isnt there in the office after hours anymore...where as the colleague used be there 4 days a week working late...now i m thinking they talked and probably has come to the conclusion that i m a womanizer and have seduced her into me....and although she wanted to do all sorts of things with me (u know what i mean)..i never gave into her....so i have this feeling that they think i m nothing but a playboy....belive me....and all i wanted to let her know is that i m sorry...and i care for her hearts feeling..and wud never break anyones heart...y i m telling this story is that emotional persons need a lot of love to live...example....stars...if anyone is too emotional he/she has a way to express that ...and as he/she is emotional...he/she has grown the art to express that very good...which others find attractive...so this guy of urs..i think he needs a lot of love to live...which i dont think ud be able to fulfill...if he was satisfied with ur love..he wudnt have the urge to meet other girls...also...it is possible that bcoz he has this appeal in him...(which may be involuntarily built in him, not necessarily a skill leart by him)...girls come over him...and he not only feels great but also feels the necessity to give them attention so that he doesnt break their heart or expectation...just imagine how it started with u...(but he feels guilty about it...as u mentioned...)...however...i trust ur instinct a lot...bcoz one thing i know for sure...when it comes to instinct...gurls beat men in every aspect...and i think they are right...if u think u r emotional...(which seems to be case..as u described being broken hearted bfore)....then i have the same feeling like urs...u may again get broken hearted...if u care more for the feelings of a heart and comparatively less for the physical body or looks...i suggest next time...dont fall for a womanizer man....but a man who has a true heart...honestly...i get excited by seeing beautiful gurls a lot....but i know they are like angels flying in the sky and myself...i m an average bloke...walking on the ground....so angels and bloke dont go together...they are good as stories...and fantasies....like beauty and the beast...but reality is different...so when it comes to having a relationship..i wud prefer an average looking girl who is just a little sad in heart that she isnt a model looking girl....and i can give that love of the heart which will make her appreciate my love and stick to me...and myself getting that love and being assured that other guys wudnt go crazy over my girl...i will be stuck to her....sigh....how romantic...isnt it?

by the way...i wud appreciate if u cud give me an insight of my story as i m also quite confused about it...i just wnated to be so nivce to that lady...but now she is probably scared of me...and it makes me feel so bad...and i simple dont know what to do...

hmmm...!