Am I Overreacting?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2013
Am I Overreacting?
Wed, 06-12-2013 - 6:06pm

Through a mutual aquantance, I met a woman that I connected with immediately.  She is smart, easy to talk to and we have a wide range of similar interests.  Like me, she is divorced.  

Our connection was undeniable and we quickly realized that we were very compatible in virtually every way.  

We were both honest with each other about what we were looking for and about our pasts from the very beginning.  Everything from venting about our ex spouses to mistakes we both made when we were younger.  

During one of our conversations, she tells me that she used to be a "dancer" at private events.  After I asked her to elaborate, she basically said that she had an opportunity to dance nude for high end customers in a city that is far enough away that she wouldn't have to worry about anyone finding out.  After the initial shock, I tried to see things from her point of view at the time.  A mother at 17 who has the opportunity to make more $$ than she would at a regular job.  Hmmm...?  I don't know what I would have done given the same opportunity, so I justified it as a mistake that was made in her past.  She assured me that she never slept with anyone and that it was limited to just "dancing." 

During another conversation we had shortly thereafter, the subject of menage trois comes up and she informes me that she has had multiple 3-way experiences.  I stopped asking questions after finding out that she has had the two girl and two man experience.  She said that it was something she did when she was younger and basically wrote it off as another misstep of her youth.  Okay...

She has also done nude modeling and has told me that she came close to getting into other things.  The fact that she has three children stopped her.  

Which brings me to my next point:  Her children.

As I mentioned before, she got pregnant for the first time at 17 by her then boyfriend who had no interest in being a father.  She got pregnant for the second time with twins at 19 by a guy that seems to have been a short fling.  He turned out to be abusive to her and the twins, so she gave them up for adoption.  At 26, she got pregnant for the third time by her then boyfriend who wound up getting killed in car accident when she was 6 months pregnant.  About a year later, she was pregnant again by her now ex husband.  Her two youngest children are 18 months apart.

As I said before, I really enjoy spending time with her and have deep feelings for her, but her past leaves me with a gut feeling that I might regret getting more involved with her.  The dancing, nude modeling and multiple pregnancies by multiple men are all mistakes that I feel could have and probably should have been prevented.  What if anything, does this say about her character now?  

Am I overreacting?


iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2013
Wed, 06-12-2013 - 6:14pm

I forgot to mention that she has brought up having a menage trois multiple times.  

At first, it was kind of exciting to think about, but I have no interest in making that happen if I'm in a commited relationship.  Our sex life is great as it is and I just don't think it's worth introducing potential issues of jealously, trust, std's etc into our relationship.

I am by no means a prude, but she is definitely more open sexually than I am.   

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 06-12-2013 - 9:14pm

I am not a man but this would be a little too much for me.  First of all, she has 3 children by 3 different fathers and it looks like only one dad is still in the picture--I bet these kids are kind of confused at best--you didn't say whether she is a good mother.  You also didn't say how old she is.  I think it's possible that some people who have a very wild youth can end up changing and being pretty responsible when they are older but it doesn't seem like she has changed that much--do you know what her job is now?  I wouldn't really be surprised if she is still doing dancing or some kind of things on the side.

I also wonder about her psychological health.  I have a couple of friends who got pregnant as teenagers and are now grown women--they had a lot of family support to help them raise the kids.  I would think that to do things like nude dancing (nude modeling less so if it was artistic modeling--if it was for a legitimate art class there is no sexual aspect to it) you would have to be a little detached emotionally from what you are doing physically.  Her attitude about 3-ways and sleeping with different guys may show a very different attitude about sex than you have.  Could you live with that?  What makes you think she has changed at all if she still wants 3-ways?  And also, you'd think that after getting pregnant accidentally once, she would have figured out about birth control so I really hope you are using protection.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 06-13-2013 - 9:42am

Everyone has different limits and sometimes there is no right or wrong.  There is nothing wrong with her dancing and nude modeling, but then there is nothing wrong with you feeling uncomfortable about the choices she made.

Personally I am more concern about the multiple pregnancies than dancing and modeling.  It shows that she never learned from past experience.  I would also be a bit worried about her sexual health - the fact that she got pregnant means that she did not use protection.

So in short, you are not over-reacting. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2013
Thu, 06-13-2013 - 1:54pm

Musiclover12, she's 36.  As far as I can tell, she loves her children tremendously.  I met the youngest of the three briefly at a small gathering thrown by one of her friends.  I would have to spend more time with her and her kids to truly determine if she is a good mother.

She recently graduated from a medical assisting program.  I honestly don't know what she does for $$ now as she doesn't work, but plan on having that talk with her today.  

The modeling she did was very tasteful from what I have seen.  Definitely kind of Playboy light as opposed to anything overly sexual.


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Mon, 06-17-2013 - 10:20am

You really shouldn't be spending time with her children until you believe that the relationship will be a long term one. Children sometimes get attached quickly, and they don't need people entering and then quickly exiting their lives. Sometimes people are great parents, but it's not something that also magically makes them good partners. One doesn't have to do with the other. Usually, past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior. Basically, something very telling is what the longest relationship the person has ever had. If her longest relationship was two years, then that's what you can expect with your relationship. Of course, you have to know who did the breaking up and what the reasons were in the past relationships. There are good reasons like their partner cheated or abused them. The bad reasons are that the relationship grew stale, she got bored, she cheated--things to indicate a person doesn't know how to build a healthy long-term relationship.

And yes, before you have unprotected sex (if you haven't already), it's best to ask her for both of you to get STD tests to show each other. She has engaged in high risk sexual activities, so you need to protect yourself. Good luck.