Am I overreacting to his exgirlfriend?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2004
Am I overreacting to his exgirlfriend?
3
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 10:30pm
I have been dating my boyfriend for nine months now. From the beginning he always told me about his ex-girlfriends and I soon learned of one of the more serious ones. They had broken up about 6 months before we started dating but they had been friends with benefits up to about two months before we started dating. She is from Kentucky, but goes to school here in Minnesota where my boyfriend and I live. Over the summer she was home, so I never had to put up with her except for the occasional phone call. For a week, shortly after we started dating, my boyfriend went to Las Vegas to see friends get married and she was there as well because she had been previously invited. He told me that she had wanted them to get back together over the summer, but he did not want that to happen because he did not want a girlfriend over the summer. I was an exception because we hit it off to well to not pursue a relationship. I guess in Vegas she tried to get him to talk to her about them getting back together. Then when she returned to school in the fall she called him a lot and always wanted him to hang out with her. He never did, but she did show up at his house a couple of times and I got to meet her. They started talking a lot more after Christmas break, when he did her the favor of picking her up at the airport and bringing her back to school. Now it seems like she calls all the time. I emailed her to see what was up, and I was nice, but I got a bitchy response. I think she still has feelings for him, though he has told me that nothing will ever happen with them. He has only lied to me about this once when he said that she called him when he had actually called her. I was bad and looked on his phone to see what was going on and I was concerned. He started erases his logs because he did not want me to see them, but he did admit this to me later. He has told me that he has not cheated on me with her or anyone and that he never will. It bothers me anyway though. Is this just me? or do I have something to worry about.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 10:21am
Personally, I wouldn't trust him. I think he's given you plenty of reason to doubt what he's telling you. I also wouldn't be comfortable with him being on such a close friendly basis with someone he's already admitted to caring for & having a "friends with benefits" relationship, and particularly in such a relatively close time. Trust your gut feelings on this, they're probably right.

But let me mention, I tend to be hardballed when it comes to giving a man my full trust, I may not be the best one to offer advice here.... LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 11:29am
He shouldn't have lied to you, but you have no right to snoop in his phone either. It doesn't matter who called who, they are friends and call each other, that is not strange that he called her.

What I would do in your position is express your concern that two people with such a recent history can have a platonic relationship. Tell him you trust him to be faithful, you have no reason not to trust him, and that you aren't telling him AT ALL who he can be friends with. But, that you do think she is having problems being "just friends" and that it has to be hard on her to continue with only that since she obviously wants more. Then leave it at that.

If you two are meant to be together, she will soon fade away from his life. You need to just let him handle this slowly. Keep bringing it up or mentioning that it bothers you, and he's going to think you are the one that can't handle it. Over time, I think he'll realize it is the ex that can't handle it, but only if you let him figure it out for himself (after the one conversation expressing that idea, it will grow in his mind and he'll think about that when he's talking to her or she's showing up at his house, etc.)

My opinion is that what HE wants is for you to be his gf, and for her to be his friend. Whichever girl proves she can't handle the arrangment, will get booted.

JMHO

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 9:07pm

Personally, I think the most important thing to concentrate on is your relationship with him rather than her relationship with him. If he shows you the interest, spends the time with you, shares the affection with you, why does it really matter what she once was to him or what she feels for him now? Don't complicate your relationship with him by worrying so much about her...


No matter what she thinks, says or does, it is what he thinks, says and does that is important... watch him and listen to him... watch his behavior and actions and match them up to his words - if they match you're ok, if not, then you have something to worry about.


tg