Am I reading too much into it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2006
Am I reading too much into it?
6
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 1:58pm

Hello -

Long time lurker who now has an issue of her own. I have been seeing a guy for about 2 months. He is a fireman and has a hard schedule to deal with. I have been very supportive of that. I have tried to work around his timing.

Well, this week we had our first issue. We talked really quickly on Tuesday and for a bit longer on Wednesday. I wanted to see him this weekend and he knew that. He said he had plans on Friday, but we could get together Saturday night. I was very happy about this because I knew he had to work a 24 hour shift on Sunday. He was making time for me, but I knew he would have to go to bed early.

Anyway, I plan my weekend and call him Saturday afternoon. He was on his way over to a friends BBQ. We talked and I said I knew he had to go to bed early. So call me and we can decide if we should get together. I didn't want to not let him hang out with his friends. He hasn't seen them in a while. I just wanted him to call. Well by 7 pm he didn't call. For someone who is in bed by 9 for work the next morning I knew this meant that we wouldn't be getting together.

So, I did what any girl does. I went shoe shopping and went over to a friends house to complain. I get home at 11 and I have a message on my machine from him at 9 pm just saying hi.

I call him this morning at work and he asks how I am. I tell him the truth. I was upset. I felt like he blew me off. I felt like a stupid, doormat. I had no clue if he liked me and his actions made it seem like he didn't.

His response was to tell me he thought I knew we wouldn't be hanging out. He said his plan was just to come home from the BBQ and go to sleep. The BBQ was a last minute thing. Also, he said that I was reading too much into everything. He has a big flaw that he doesn't say he likes people. We talked during the week. We went out last weekend. He thought we were just hanging out and having fun.

From this whole conversation, I have gathered that he really is just having fun with me. This isn't anything more. Am I overanalyzing? Should I just go with the flow like he wants me to? Or should I do what I feel like doing and put myself back on the market.

Thanks
V

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2005
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 2:39pm

Thank goodness for shoes... Yeah whenever I feel down in the dumps I go shopping. Its sorta funny we spend money that pays our bills in order to feel better. But hey it works.

Anyways I don't blame you about him being upset with him. You never think you need to ask a guy you think that you are dating if you are truly dating or not. Its strange.

What I would do is...
Don’t let him know that you are upset. Just make him think its no big deal. I would still hang out with him but not as often. Say stuff like "Oh I don't know I am kinda busy". Make him work in order to see you. This way he’ll know that you are not in the mood for games. Plus you guys can still hang out.

Hopes this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-27-2006 - 5:13pm

vacn31...

Pianoguy was going to offer the suggestion that your b/f had a "last minute fire" to extinguish! But knowing how upset you still are...here's the alternative response!

I think the man should've picked you up and brought you with him to the barbecue! NO BIG DEAL since most men like to be seen in the company of a beautiful lady like yourself.

Basically...he made you a promise (EARLIER) about getting together on Saturday. But changed the rules at the last minute.

You didn't want to hang out at home and lose your entire evening...so you went "mall hopping" instead! You're not his puppy....you're supposed to be the G/F!!

Stop feeling guilty and let "Mr. Firefighter" instigate a HOT IDEA for the two of you. If he doesn't....THAT'S HIS LOSS....NOT YOURS!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
Tue, 03-28-2006 - 11:10am

<< You're not his puppy....you're supposed to be the G/F!!>>

Actually, she said she's been seeing him for a couple months ... but, didn't say she was his GF. :)

I do agree with PG in that he could have just brought you to the BBQ!

But, I've also discovered over the years that guys tend to have this "oh, I 'll just stop by the BBQ for awhile and then give her a call" mentality ... but, they soooooo easily lose track of time and before they know it "oh crap, it's 8:00 ... I haven't called her yet" ... and now they're in the proverbial doghouse with us ... all becuase of their forgetful, easily distracted minds. It's rarely if ever intentional.

I wouldn't say he blew you off. After all, he did call and leave a message. If he hadn't called at all, THAT would be a blow off. But, I know, I know ... too little, too late.

I'd say, if you like the guy and want to keep dating him ... cut him some slack. Realistically, since he was going to the BBQ ... deep down, you probably KNEW that he wasn't going to have enough time to see you before he had to go to bed. And realistically, knowing that he'd have to wake up early on Sunday for work ... would you really want to just grab scraps of time with him on Saturday?

If it were me, I would have just said "let's get together when you have more time" ... upon his making the Saturday night suggestion (knowing then and there that it would have to be an early night) and mitigated the possible disappointment that was LIKELY to come with the suggestion of "squeezing me in."

If it turns out that he isn't willing or just doesn't have the time to make quality time for you guys together, then ... cut him loose. His schedule simply may not allow for planning much out in advance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 12:37pm

It's not that you want to play games per se, but he needs to know he needs to make more effort conscientiously to see you, be with you, etc.

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2006
Thu, 03-30-2006 - 1:00pm

Thanks everyone for your responses.

Overall last weekend was just awful:
1) The guy I was dating blew me off
2) My cat was sick
3) I had a cold I couldn't get rid of.

I think overall I was just an unhappy camper.

The fireman called Tuesday night and left me this very detailed message about how he was sorry he didn't call me back on Sunday, how he was busy with paramedic stuff untill late on Monday, and how he was about to head out to a scuba diving class.

We played phone tag for the last several days, and I finally caught him this morning. The conversation was ok. No mention of our previous discussion. Like it had never existed. Is that just a guy thing? I still don't know where he stands.

I told him how I had stuff every night this week, and tonight I was going to stay home and clean up around the house since I had friends visiting all weekend. We made no plans because he didn't throw out a day, and I wasn't about to put myself out there again.

I have a feeling this thing will slowly fizzle. I'm not in the mood for last minute, non-planned nights out. He has slipped down a bit in my priorities. Plans with friends come first.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2006
Sat, 04-29-2006 - 12:22am
Hey there, what ever happened with the fireman?> Your situation sounds just like what I'm going thru...he can't seem to make firm plans in advance and not enough communication in between. Mine called at 11pm the other night and asked me out for Fri, I declined due to previous plans and gave him the option of Sat. night but he got all huffy and hasn't called since. I have a feeling I may never hear from him again he was so pouty! It's so frustrating when you really like someone. I have a couple other guys I date but when it comes to the one I really want (and who seems to really want me too!) we can't seem to get it together. In the end, I think if a guy truly wants to be with you, he will make the effort and things should go a lot smoother...not so much wonder. Do you know what I mean?