Am I reading too much into it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Am I reading too much into it?
7
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 3:30pm
I've been hanging out with this guy for about six to seven months. When we first started hanging out I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and so we discussed things and we both said that we didn't want a relationship. He has become one of my best friends and so much more. I really care about him and I'm beginning to think that I'm falling in love with him. However he is still stands by the fact that he doesn't want a girlfriend. I want him to be happy but at the same time I think he shys away from relationships because his ex-girlfriend hurt him so badly. He won't even tell me that he cares about me. About a week ago a couple of my friends and I were talking and they looked at me and told me that he loved me. They went on to say that he hadn't said it but they can tell by the he talks about me, the way that he looks at me and the way that we are when we're together. I do really care about him and I'm ready to have a boyfriend again. I really want it to be with him but he said that if I want a relationship I shouldn't look to him for it. He has encouraged me to hang out with other guys but when I do he trash talks them and ends up hating them. I realize that this is a very long message but I was wondering if you could give me some advice as to whether or not I should stay with him? I really do care about him and I really want to be with him and I can tell that he cares about me but he won't admitt it. Please help.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 3:44pm

I'm sure he DOES care about you, and maybe even loves you...but that *DOES NOT* mean he wants a serious relationship with you (or anyone for that matter). So you should only stay with him if you are truly ok with things the way they are, because they almost certainly will never progress to "more". He has been honest with you about that. So you need to look inside yourself and figure out whether you can accept things as they are; if you can't then you need to move on.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 5:03pm
When a guy tells you he doesn't want a gf, believe him. You say you don't want a bf either "right now", but it sounds like you're beginning to want a relationship with him. If it's a relationship you want, then he's not the man for you. You can wait around for him to "get over" his ex gf and be ready to have a r-ship, but you will be waiting a long time. some guys never recover.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 7:16pm
Okay I know that you are most likely right however he does things that I really don't know how to process. Little things like since we've started hanging out he hasn't hung out with anyone else. If he had I would have heard about it because we live on a small campus and we also live in the same section. So in six months he's only been with me. Everytime I hung out or hang out with another guy he knows because I tell him; I'm not going to keep things from him. But he doesn't really know the guys I hang out with and when our mutual friends bring them up he automatically tells them that he hates them. But he tells me he doesn't get jealous. I know he does I've seen the look in his eyes. I know that I'm probably reaching or longing for something that was never really there but love has always been a hard thing for me. I've always been the one to get hurt and I kept telling myself that I would never let someone get that close to me again and now I have and I don't know what to do about it. When I hang out with other guys it's not the same. Plus since most of our campus thinks that we're together already the guys I hang out with tend to ask me questions about what is up with us. I think that if it's so obvious to other people that there's something between us then there might be something worth waiting for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 7:23pm

Sometimes the reason we get hurt is because we didn't listen to what was being said beforehand... he says he to not look to him for a relationship, yet you're talking about waiting for him? Very dangerous. Your feelings will continue to grow, his won't, you'll be hurt and then be bitter. If a man tells you that he's not the one, listen. Regardless of what others see or what may be possible, the point is--he doesn't want to pursue a relationship.


Please take the advice of the others and save yourself the heartache.


Kerry

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 6:06am
Thank you for your input however now I have to wonder, what do I do? If he doesn't want a relationship and I can be okay with not being with him for now should I stop all interaction with him? He's one of the few guys that I have slept with and regardless to what many believe I still believe that sex means something and I wouldn't have slept with him if I didn't care about him or I wasn't completely comfortable with him. I am falling in love with him I know that but I don't know what to do to stop it right now. For the past six or seven months he is the person that I have been turning to for moral support because I'm going through a lot with my family right now. He knows more about me than many of my friends that I grew up with. Should I stop talking to him or stop sleeping with him? Any replies are graciously appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 7:22am

The problem here is not what you think or your reasoning behind why you do what you do. The fact that you don't jump into bed with someone unless there's feelings involved is great. However, what you need to keep in mind is that other people do not operate like that. And just because they're jumping into bed with you, does not mean that your same motivations are driving them.


So what to do? If you are falling for him, then I would say chances are you're going to get hurt unless you take immediate action. He's been your support system and I know it's going to be hard, but yes--I would say you need to break off the contact with him and remove yourself from the situation. We have all gone after someone who was unavailable so don't beat yourself up over this. Just learn from it. Back away from him. And stop sleeping with him.


One word of warning... he may follow you. Remember, when a person has a good thing and it's on terms where they don't have to commit, they tend to get upset when that good thing leaves. So he may very well come back, be upset and tell you he cares. Realize that telling you nice things is not mean he wants a relationship now. That's probably the key piece you'll have to keep in mind.


I hope this helps. Let us know what you decide.


Kerry

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Wed, 03-01-2006 - 4:42pm
I realize that if I stay with him that I will undoubtedly get hurt. However the semester is almost over and then when we go home he and I will be four hours away from one another. I think that having the three months off will do us both some good. The only issue is that if I wanted to see him it wouldn't be that hard. He lives about 20 minutes away from my brother. There are times when I feel so lonely and that I really want to be with him and then there are times when I love being able to be single. I think that the only reason I'm becoming overly stressed about where to go with our unlabeled relationship is because he has just joined a fraternity and my friend went through the same thing. When you start something with a fraternity brother every other brother in that organization begins to watch who you talk to and what you do. There's 20 of them and only one of me on a small campus. So with that in mind it's almost as though I already have a boyfriend but he doesn't call it that. It's complicated but I think that I will continue my ways for the remainder of the semester and I will see how the summer goes. I have always been the type of person that needs to learn things the hard way. So while I don't like being hurt often it is the only way that I can see things for what they are. Thank you so much for your input. I really do appreciate it.