Am I ready???

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Am I ready???
5
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 12:59pm

So i'm 24, i don't go out on dates often and i haven't been in a relationship in a while. i'm kinda standoffish and very picky about the people i talk to. i went out with some gf's last nite and invited along this guy i know and we got along really well and he's a real sincere gentleman, and he takes my sarcasim well (for someone to be around me they need to). he picked me up and dropped me off and at the end of the nite we kissed (been a while since ive been comfortable like this with someone). but when i got in my house i kinda freaked out. i'm not exactly sure why, and im kinda jumping the gun a little with the way i think, but it got me thinking in general.

i want to be in a relationship again, i'm want to start something with someone, and it's really hard for me to find someone i would consider for it, but i also think i really enjoy being single. i like the freedom with my gf's (im not a crazy party girl so that's not what im talking about, i just really enjoy goin out with the girls and not worrying about anything) but i dunno, i think i..maybe i'm just afraid to give something a chance? ugh....this guy seems perfect, especially compared to the ass's ive been with or attract. so it seems stupid if i were to pass up this chance for whatever could happen. but how do i know if i'm ready? what if i mess something up because i'm not and things go too fast and i get scared of it? does anyone know what i mean here? and have any ideas? thanks if you do!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Sun, 02-25-2007 - 3:07pm

With all due respect, you're looking to date - not get married.

You can date people and not necessarily have a long term relationship with them. If you look at it as just going out, getting to know someone, having fun and seeing where it goes, it's not such a big deal. You're ready when you're ready. You can't force it to happen. But just because you go out with someone doesn't necessarily you'll have a relationship with them.

Just have fun with it and see where it goes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 2:39pm
double posted!


Edited 2/26/2007 4:41 pm ET by tonitoons

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 4:29pm

You know you are 'ready' for 100% commitment when you don't 'freak' at the first glimpse of the possibility of it.

Suppose the house just like you've always wanted went on the market. You have debt, no down payment, you're still establishing your career and kinda like being able to call the landlord when something breaks. But this great house is on the market - and you've always imagined living in one like it so you go look at it. Its pretty much what you expected - something you really really like and could see living in. But your finances are not where they could br to make this easier - in fact, you aren't sure you can really handle a mortgage payment - you'd likely have to work two jobs, stop going out and eat Ramen noodles for the next 5 years - but it’s a great house, someone is sure to snap it up. And your car is not that reliable and you need a new car, but the house……..its great. So you 'freak' about it, and without thinking about exactly where you are financially and how you can reasonably afford the house and a new car, etc. you make an offer - not because you are prepared for the obligations and responsibilities of being a home owner - but because you are afraid you'll never find another house like it. So you jump in……and six months into it - you are overwhelmed, barely making ends meet, you are stressed, unhappy, and the wonderful house seems like a burden.

Another scenario:

You see your absolute dream job advertised and it lists the requriements. You don't really meet them but you submit a resume anyway. You remember that last year you had the opportunity to take some courses in this area of expertise but you were 'too busy' with other things (that house you couldn't afford maybe?) You get a no thanks letter because you don't have the necessary skills to do it. You kick yourself for not having gone then. The course isn'toffered again for another 6 months and you're tight on cash these days…..

Hon, when you are truly prepared for something - buying a house, getting a dream job - you will not freak when the opportunity presents itself. You aren't afraid of having it. You don't resist it - you ALLOW it completely. People only freak and resist when they aren't prepared to receive the thing they say they want. When you prioritize something and set a goal - you prepare yourself for the eventual arrival of the oppoprtunity to have that goal met. And when similar opportunities cme at you in the interim, you use them to evaluate your progress. You don't try to do what you aren't ready to do or have what you aren't prepared for. Success is nothing but preparation meeting opportunity.

So, in your case, you freaked because you truly aren't ready to be in a fully committed relationship. Wanting one and beign prepared for one are two different things. Men seem to better understand this concept that women. Women generally tend to think that meeting soemoen with the qualities they want for long term MUST mean this is the only chance they get at it - so they jump feet first into the pool without first thinking about the temperature. And usually because they are choosing from a place of "I'm afraid I'll miss something" (LACK or FEAR) rather than from a place of "I'm prepared for this opportunity and have something of value to offer the person offering it" (ABUNDANCE or CONFIDENCE).

Hon, decisions made in fear are usually the wrong ones and they often end up causing unnecessary pain and frustration. And enough of that is what causes people to give up on themselves and their dreams.

What I'm saying is - you've clearly said you enjoy your freedom and being single. You've also clearly said you need to do something in case you miss out. Understand this - YOU CAN NEVER MISS OUT ON WHAT IS MEANT FOR YOU. There is no need to rush into something out of fear of not having another opportunity. This world is full of them! You clearly want a serious LTR - but you aren't prepared to be in it yet. So for now, just date with that in mind. Be honest about where you are and don't try to abuy a house you can't truly afford right now.

Forcing something to happen before you are ready does only one thing - push you further away from it. Be smart - recognize that getting into a relationship out of fear of missing something is the WRONG reason for you and him. The only time to get inot a serious LTR relationship is when you have something of value to offer to someone who want its and are fully prepared to carry it to its natural completion.

Don't start something you aren't fully prepared for.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 6:04pm
You tonitoons, are absolutely wonderful! The way you put all of that made perfect sense in relationship to this. I get what you're saying and I will keep all of it in mind from now on. All of my friends say to go for it, don't screw it up...but I don't think they fully get it either. Thanks so much! I know when i reacted the way i did aftewards, something wasn't quite right. But part of me feels I was just overreacting. Reguardless, I'm def gonna take it one step at a time. I just gotta work on keeping my head on striaght and knowing exactly what i want and what i'm physcially and emotionally ready and prepared for. Thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
Mon, 02-26-2007 - 7:48pm

you are welcome.

<>

They clearly don't - think aobu this - when people who love you know what you are capable of, they encourage you by saying 'you CAN do it' Your friends aren't - they simply say don't screw up - meaning they don't see you as being prepared either. Something to consider.....

As for me, I've jumped feet first too many times. And last year I had to come to terms with the fact that emotionally I wasn't in a giving place (grieving for my Dad) so it was pointless to try to make a relationship work. I'm finally back in a place where I am ready to give and receive.

This was not an easy thing to acknowledge ro accept because women are taught to focus on 'getting' a relationship/husband. But getting isn't keeping. There are things we do every day to prepare ourselves for things of little consequence - if we would put the same amount of preparation into growing into a good partner choice by taking care of ourselves emotionally, spiritually, physically, and financially FIRST - then everything we want and need will find its way too us.

Most of us don't do this - we are too afraid of not getting but one chance. HA - that is the biggest lie ever told in the universe. We only get one chance at life - but the details that create our life are always present, always available. - its like a never empty glass - you simply have to open your heart and mind to that truth.

Hon, at 24, you should be having fun. Build your career, build your fortune, find out who YOU really are. As you grow into the woman God created you to be, you will find the man He created for you - without effort and without freak outs. And you will feel like you have all the time in the world - because you do.

RElax and have fun and enjoy the ride. You won't get to your destination any sooner even if you do try to rush it but it will make it a more pleasant journey.




Edited 2/27/2007 8:31 am ET by tonitoons

Toni