Am I Really Ready?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2004
Am I Really Ready?
2
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 11:03pm
I'm a young lady, just 19. However, I think I have a really big issue regarding my love life. To be frank, at this age, I have not have a single boyfriend ever in my life. Ever! Well, there's a handful of guys whom I know (either friends or the ones I know from the net)who were interested in me. The trouble is, I would always end up being the one declining their interest in me. For example, they would like to meet me up so that we can know each other better, but I would give excuses like "I can't make it" or "Not now, perhaps another time". There's this one guy whom I said that we could meet up on a weekend, but I freaked out and immedieatly cut all forms of communications with him (the net and through the phone).

At the end of the day, I'll be the one regreting for not giving the guys and me a chance in a relationship. And I think I know the reason for this. I guess I'm too afraid of being loved and loving someone. But that's what I've been missing in all my life. I'm also afraid that I've started out too late for any relationship (comparing me and my sister, who's only 15, she already has 4 ex-boyfriends and 1 current boyfriend)and the risks involved. How can I change my outlook? What can I do with this? Am I really ready for a relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 12:37am
I was the same way as you when I was your age. I'm 26 now. I didn't get asked out on a date until I was 20. I had my first boyfriend a few months later. I had sex for the first time a short time later. I think that was what held me back a little in relationships - I was an "older" virgin (it seemed like everyone around me lost their virginity at 15/16), and I was scared to death at the prospect of having sex. Strangely enough, however, even though my fisrt b/f was 26, he was also a virgin. Weird!

But I think it was my fear of sex that made me act all nervous around guys who might have liked me. And I think my shyness pushed some of them away. Also, there were a few who knew I was a virgin and didn't want the "responsibility" of being my first. Of course, there were definitely a few guys who wanted to be the one to "deflower" me, but they weren't interested in dating me.

Try not to compare yourself with your sister - I've only had 2 boyfriends, the most recent lasted for 4 years. Everyone used to tell me, "Your time will come." And it did. Your sister may be the one with more boyfriends, but that doesn't make you any less of a person. She's very young - she will probably have many more boyfriends in her life. But just because you didn't start dating at her age doesn't mean anything. You have plenty of time.

And you may NOT be ready for a relationship. And that's okay, too.

I know a girl who didn't date anyone till she was 22. And the guy she met at 22, she ended up marrying.

So you see, just b/c you'r 19, doesn't mean you have to "catch up" with anyone who started dating much younger. There's no minimum number of relationships you need to have. Some people have lots, some people are lucky enough to just have one that ends up lasting. You never know what's in your cards.

Good luck, and don't feel pressured to date - if you aren't ready, you don't have to. And if you're perfectly content to just be single and have fun, then that's perfectly fine, too. When the time is right, it will happen.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 12:19pm
Relax. There's no competition, no race, no obligation. Just because your sister or your friends are out there dating doesn't mean you HAVE to. To me you don't sound ready for it. You say you have issues being loved and loving someone. Maybe you need to explore that before you can get into anything with anyone. Have you talked to a counsellor? It could help you to work out why you are so afraid. You need to do what you feel comfortable with. If you are afraid of intimacy with a man, then don't agree to just meet a guy one on one- meet him with some other friends. You can get to know a guy without having to commit to any sexual relationship or even a relationship at all. Why not just make new friends? Telling a guy straight out that you are looking only for a friend could ease things for YOU. That way you are not only telling yourself where the boundary, you're telling him. And any guy who doesn't respect that isn't worth your time.

I would recommend that before you worry about dating, you worry about yourself first. Look in the phone book and find a counsellor in your area to talk to. You must first resolve what's going on in your heart before you can give it to someone else.

Good luck

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