Am I a rebound?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Am I a rebound?
9
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 11:17am

I met this terrific guy about two months ago. We vibed immediately. have tons in common and go out once or twice a week depending on our busy schedules. Most time when we do see one another we spend a few days together knowing it might be a while before we see each other again. We always have a fantastic time.

I recently found out that he just got out of a two year relationship shortly before we started seeing each other. I'm not sure if they finalized the break-up after we met or before but it sounded to me like it had ended wway before they put the final breaks on the relationship.

My question here is: Is he rebounding on me? or taking it slow with me because he just got out of a relationship? We do not speak on a daily basis, we perhaps text once a week and I finally call him or he calls me when we know we are going to have some spare time to spend with each other. I sometimes wish he would call me more often just to say hi, but I know he is super busy with his job and I am just a neurotic woman. I'm hoping all this is happening because he does want to take it slow because he feels we have potential.

The sex is incredible but there is more going on here than that. We are both hugely creative individuals so our highs and very high and our lows extremely low. I know that unlike women, men prefer to be alone during their lows. We get along great together and I care alot about him. Last weekend he got sick and I stuck around and watched him sleep in my lap and helped around the house. I'm wondering if this relationship is one-sided or what else could possibly be going on.

Thanks for your input and please do let me know if you need more information.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 11:29am
You're asking the board a lot of questions that could be easily resolved if you put the questions to him, the rightful person. You're being sexual with him, but you can't ask him these questions yet? What's wrong with this picture? If you are being intimate with him, you have every right to know his objective whether it be exclusive and short term or something else. You don't have to second guess him, ask him!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 11:43am

And how exactly do I word this question without freaking him out? He just got a out of a relationship, I remember what that's like. And men hate discussing these sorts of things and the last thing I want to do is scare him away because I'm the woman going, "what's going on here?"

I will ask him when the time is right but how exactly can I put it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 12:27pm
And one other thing, since I spent the a few days over there last week, nursing him to health, he thanked me for my help and drove me home. I haven't heard from him since. We are only two months into the relationship here. Is it too early for me to freak because he hasn't called me?
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 2:48pm

Ok, first things first. Whatever else you are doing, you are NOT "taking it slow". Taking it slow would mean that you have one or two DATES (not overnights, not weekends) a week, and get to know each other for a couple months before you sleep together.

What I think he means by "taking it slow" is that he wants the sex and companionship, but he will be slow to assume any of the obligations and expectations of a committed r'ship.

In any event, there are two things I would want to know at this early stage of your r'ship. One, what type of r'ship is he looking for *IN GENERAL* (not with YOU, it's too early for him to know that), and are the two of you on the same page with what you're looking for. Two, are you exclusive (not dating other people) and monogamous (not sleeping with other people), as I personally am not comfortable sleeping with someone who is doing either. The latter needs to be discussed and agreed to, not assumed.

If anyone is "scared off" by these questions, then he's not right for you. You can't "scare off" someone who is.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 2:58pm
You can't freak someone out just by asking them what they're after...you can simply say to him what you're after...a long term relationship leading to marriage and ask him what he's looking for.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 3:01pm
How often did you hear from him before you spent a couple of days with him? There are a lot of benchmark situations in a courtship...can you make it to the second date...how about six weeks...three months? At everyone of these points, people may take stock of things and realize they're done and walk out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2004
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 5:04pm

We talk about once a week. Meet up about once or twice every two weeks. He is busy with his job and so am I. I just don't want to put my heart into something that is not being reciprocated and by all the responses I get on these boards Im really starting to feel like a total idiot!

I can't believe I haven't even discussed with him whether or not he is sleeping with other people. I just sort of assumed he wasn't. And that is totally ridiculous but for some gullible, naive reason, I trust him.

And if I were to overanalyze everything, which Im not denying that I haven't already done that, then I would say that I can't think of anything possible that would make him bail after our last encounter. But I ain't calling him and since he hasn't called me perhaps I should be safe to assume that he's bailed.

I'm at two months here I do expect a little respect. And last time I stayed with him was while he was sick and I took care of him and we only had sex once which is totally weird considering our past, but not consdiering the fact that he was running a fever. So if he doesn't wish to contact me again, which is so passive aggressive by the way, I guess it's safe to assume that this is only a sexual relationship and that is all he wants. But I sort of came to the conclusion at our last get together that we had moved forward onto something else.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Tue, 11-30-2004 - 5:33pm

Read Sheri's reponse, again.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2004
Sat, 12-04-2004 - 4:46am

Greetings Bellina here!

I truly agree with the other gals who've posted.Firstly once you've become acquainted on a very sexual level,that seems not a definition of taking things slow.Usually given more
time getting to know if you're compatible on a deeper level than a more sexual,physical one allows one to be friends foremost.What drew you together,such as your mutual interests,backgrounds,careers,friends,hobbies and of course chemistry all should be a sense of balance.Given time in spending get togethers with lots of verbal communication as well as physical attractions one usually forms a sense of trust. Discuss where you both would desire your relationship to be,a more serious commitment,leading to marriage..Or just casual dating,where theres more openness to seeing other people.This depends on what you desire and if you're both on the same page,whether you prefer casual type relationship with benefits sensually,or lasting intimacy with shared interests,travels,desires in life;careers. See if you're both in agreement of a serious,commitment leading to marriage.These are all topics to discuss,given time.Best wishes in reaching a commonground to a wonderful lasting love connection! Hope the best for your quest.Galpal,Bellina