Am I ruining our friendship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Am I ruining our friendship?
7
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 1:10pm
Recently a relationship has started with a co-worker (who has also been a very close friend for four years). We are basically dating, but haven't slept together. We haven't really discussed what we're doing, and I am so worried about what will happen if it doesn't work out. At the same time, I don't EVER want to hurt him, and as much as I've resisted my feelings, I'm starting to really like him.

I also just got out of a year-long relationship (first and only) last November. I'm not sure if I'm ready for another relationship right now, but that has nothing to do with my feelings for this guy. I just don't want to lead him on and decide later I'm not ready for anything serious. I guess I'm nervous b/c the last relationship (and my only point of reference) was so emotionally draining and the guy was so cold and uncaring.

I know dating co-workers is a sticky situation. There are no possible problems with the company (as far as rules,etc), but what if it doesn't work and we have to see each other everyday?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 1:21pm
Okay, so if you haven't talked formally about what you're doing, and you're just hanging out casually, making out and probably at some point hooking up - what makes you think that this guy wants to date or form a relationship?

It sounds more like he wants FWB more than anything else. Most guys have no problem asking you out if what they want is a date...and if waht they want is to hang out and hook up without obligation - they have no problem not asking you out formally, but just hanging out with you and seeing where you let it go.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 5:07pm
Hello dykmanad, welcome to the board!

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 5:10pm
Erin,

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 3:39pm
I have to disagree about the FWB. He's been one of my closest friends for FOUR years...I know him a little better than that. He's the only guy, including past boyfriends, who always comes through for me. And that was before anything even started between us outside of friendship.

Besides, why is it on him to bring up where we're going with this? I could do it just as easily, as other posts have suggested. He could very well realize I haven't been ready to discuss it, which I haven't. I'm the reluctant one here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 5:20pm
Well, I generally approach everything from a different perspective but....

In my experience, people in general get involved with, seek out - what it is they want. And they avoid like the plague that which they don't want.


We are basically dating, but haven't slept together. We haven't really discussed what we're doing, and I am so worried about what will happen if it doesn't work out.


The phrase "basically dating" means that nobody is really planning these dates - at least as I'd understand it. If he gets concert tickets and has nobody else in mind - he asks her to go on Friday afternon - to the Friday night concert. If she has a party that she wants to attend and has nobody else in mind to ask - she waits and asks him at the last minute - so that maybe his "no" if that is his answer can be justified by her "late asking".

So, they're basically dating....which is we're doing things that we both individually want to do and would do without one another involved -together. AKA - hanging out.

Dating is when someone has sparked your interest enough to "plan" to do things and so that you get to know more about them...whether all you want is fun, sex, companionship and in-the-moment enjoyment....or whether you're seeking a partner....if someone attracts and is interesting to you and spending time WITh THEM and getting to know them is the point - you'll make plans to do it. It won't "just happen".

She's couching this is justifications. We're friends, we work together, we've known one another for years.....as if there is no reason for him to get to know her in th romantic, partnership sense (an aspect of her life that is not known to him) because they're so close, intimate emotionally already, etc. She's justifying they're not dating (but hanging out) and making out (quasi-hooking up) - because if someone came right out and stated "he hasn't asked you on a date, he hasn't indicated he wants to date or have a relationship, he's being physically responsive to you without honest communication regarding his desires/intentions" - she'd be appalled at her own actions...she's "hanging out and almost hooking up - Oh my God, that's so not me, I don't do that".

And they're obviously making out - by her admission that they haven't had sex yet.

So his values justify him hanging out with her for his own reasons, purposes, agenda...and making out physically without communicating his intentions. AKA - hanging out and trying to hook up.

So...people pursue what it is they want. He wants someone to hang out with, possiby hook up with but that he has no obligation to.

If he were seeking obligation or commitment...he'd have made that just as known as he had his willingness to engage in physical attraction intimacy to the extent that she is willing to do so.

There's nothing wrong with hanging out and hooking up - but women need to stop mistaking hanging out/hooking up for "we know one another so well, he doesn't really need to date me, we can just jump into the comfortable, relaxed, "fleecy PJ" sort of intimacy as a result of our friendship and naturally, we want the same thing in terms of this involvement."

It's an established relationship of equality, mutual benefit, trust, honest communication, and acceptance for one another as individuals with respect and admiration - that allows you to hang out in fleecy PJ's, snuggling and eating popcorn ALONG WITH getting dressed up on other occasions, going out to dinner, and keeping your interest in this person at a peak high by continuing to impress, please, admire and respect them as an individual. That's what most people that aren't wanting a relationshp are out to avoid - the work, commitment, requirement, responsibility and sacrifice....but they don't mind the hanging out in fleecy PJ's, snuggling and eating popcorn because that is so easy, so convenient, so much fun, and so pleasurable - IN THE MOMENT.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com



iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 11:16pm
ok Erin, I see what you are saying... I just read the "basically dating" with the emphasis on the basically to mean that that's what they were doing as opposed to something more serious... but I just didn't get that what he wanted was FWB and I think she even came back and said that that wasn't his intent.

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-06-2004 - 12:58pm
Well, until she clarifies - there is no knowing.

But as they say in AA..."intentions don't mean crap because intentions didn't bring you in here, actions did. Who in here intended to become a drunk?"

I think it's what happens more often than anybody really accepts - because everybody utilizes justifications nd rationalizations. "We're interested in the same things, have mutual friends, work at the same place - so we're hanging out together becuase it's fun, easy and convenient, it doesn't require us to work to find fun, sex, companionship". But that's NOT dating...as evidenced by the fact at some point someone wil come along that sparks interest in one of them...and they'll be off in hot pursuit of a formal date, and making plans, preparations, and doing lots of impressing nad pleasing - to ensure themselves of the option to see this person again.

Women often don't realize that men don't "like the chase" - so much as they like the infatuation period. Women like it tooo - but women want it to end so that they can "get the relationship" THEN they want all the romance to come back in once they're thinnking "he's with ME now and he's not going to leave".

Men don't tend to think a relationship is integral to their success or security....and so they don't tend to think of it in terms of "this is something that must happen or else my life won't be what I planned/want".

Women tend to think of relationships like a project, promotion or raise....gotta have it in order to "be someone" or be on my way to reaching my goals. So they bypass dating - opt for hanging out and hooking up because it "feels" more relationshippy -and then they complain when there's no prioritization on them, or romance in the relationship...or they're devastated when the guy that they've been accepting on a casual level thinking "it's serious because he's not trying to impress and please me and we're doing relationship-py things" gets all hot and bothered and starts pursuing someone and putting time and effort into the pursuit.

Then we hear "why didn't he do that for me, wasn't I worth it?" Well no - you taught him that you weren't worth impressing or pleasing, valuing, prioritizing or investing in with his time and effort - by hanging out and hooking up.

Generally, what people seek and get into - is what they want. They're not looking to impress, please, wine, dine, romance, and pursue you - once they got you easily. If they thought any of that was important in a relationship - they'd have done it to get you because their values required it...and they'd have pursued someone that appreciated, desired, and required it as well.


Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com