Am I settling in my relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Am I settling in my relationship?
4
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 12:59pm
I have been dating this great guy for a little over three months and we have been having alot of fun together. We laugh alot, have great chemistry and he really cares about me. I love those things about him, but I am worried about what peopple think of us when we are together. I wonder if my family and friends will get how great he is or wonder if I settled. You see, he is not the guy I usually go for: he is short, fat and not your typical good looking guy. Sometimes I look at him and wonder why I'm dating him and that I can do so much better. And other times, he does the sweetest things for me and I love being with him. What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 1:09pm
I can't believe what i have read. Girl, i am exactly in your situation. I wish could even talk to you in person about this.

the guy that i am with is great, he treats me like an angel and he loves me. I was bad, in the sense that we are already living together. We have only been dating for four months. But i don't need to be lectured.

The guy that i am with is short and very skinny, not the typical guy i usually date at all. Sometimes i look at him and think i might do better to. But i am also thnking that this guy is great for me, he is successful, funny, and all of the above, he would do anything for me. Sure he isn't my typical guy at all, but look how happy i am with him.

Some people would think that i should'ent be with him because i don't love him, but i do in a sense. It really doesn't make sense that i am with him an dhe makes me very happy but i don't love him. I don't know half the time what i am thinking, but i am taking this as far as i can.

Don't worry about what other people think, he is good for you. And as long as you two are happy than just think about that.

That is what i am focusing on. No one knows what's underneith.

I really hope that i will talk to you soon shelley nyc.

Carrie.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 12:07pm
Hi Carrie,

Thanks for your note! It's funny how similar our problem is! I really like this guy, he is so great for me, but I can't get the voices out of my head that I could do better. My friends and family haven't met him, since I'm sure they will all wonder what the heck I am doing with him. One of my friends told me that this is very odd and the fact that I wonder what I am doing with him, means I shouldn't be with him. But I don't think that. I think I'm scared that this guy could be "the one" and that he isn't exactly what I had in mind. It has to get better right? I have to hear those voices telling me I could do better, less and less as we date more and more??? Right? Gosh, I hope so.

Michelle

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 5:00pm
For both our sakes, i hope so. I feel the same way. I've been told that if i feel this way than i should'ent be with him. That it is mean to stay with him and hurt him. The longer i stay with him the worse it is going to be when i decide to let him go. Well obviously i didn't listen to those people, because i am still with him.

I don't love this guy but i know deep down that he is right for me. I can't really explain it, and that is okay, i am going to stay with him and see where it takes me. Who knows. I will stay with him as long as i am happy. And i think that is good. I would not be hurting him doing it this way. He is happy too. and it is better to live and love than to live and never knew love.

anyway i am going to give you my email address because i would love to talk wit hyou more.

carrie.marshall@sympatico.ca

and am a member of msn messenger, if you have that too.

I hope to talk to you later, i hope our stories end up happy ones.

Carrie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 5:09pm
I think the question of "Am I settling" can only be answered by you and only you. Your parents' and friends' opinions could be influencing factors, but ultimately, you have to decide if you are truly settling or not. I think around 3 month mark in dating, the couples kind of cool down from the infatuation and starts to notice some of the faults. People have them and I think that is when you start to really see if two people are compatible. If you can accept the other's faults (or perhaps make them *more* attractive because of their faults), then that's a relationship worth persuing. However, if their faults are something you absolutely can't live with (i.e. not respecting you, making fun of you in front of people, for me, at least) then it is probably better to look elsewhere.

You mentioned he cares for you and is great for you, but his looks aren't up to par. So it sounds like he has many of the qualities of someone you want to date, but you aren't as physically attracted to him. If this is a deal breaker for you, then that's just the fact. You shouldn't be ashamed or disappointed in yourself because of it. You have to be attracted to the guy, both physically and mentally. Compromising on the "dealbreaker", whatever that may be, will not only hurt you in the long run, but you'll probably hurt the other person involved tremendously as well. Just try to be honest with yourself because that's the only thing you can do.

Your taste in your ideal partner will change as you go along in life... What was attractive to you in your college years may not be as attractive when you're in your 30's. or 40's. Hopefully you can find someone that you will be compatible and grow together ultimately, but hey-- it's hard to gauge that in 3 months of dating! Whatever it is, be honest with yourself. Your mate is your choice, not your parents', or your friends'. Best wishes,

Daikon