Am I too nervous?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Am I too nervous?
Tue, 09-10-2013 - 1:23pm

Sorry this is so long!

I met a man a couple of years ago through work - our companies partnered with each other now & then. We live about 6 hrs from each other but he had to travel frequently. So, things pregressed very slowly & we bagan to do things just as friends when he'd pass through town. Hikes, out to dinner etc. I had him over for dinner a couple of times- I figured restaurant food must get pretty old when you're doing it so often.

So, after about 9 months of this he did spend the night. About 3 weeks later I was working near his town so went & stayed with him for a night. Things got kind of confusing for me- he stayed with me one more time & then just pulled back from sex to just wanting to be friends again. We never really talked about why that happened.

I made it clear that I wanted more but was ok being just a friend. He kept on flirting with me like wanting to give me a hug when he come to town, complimenting me a lot etc.. I really came down hard on him about not giving me mixed signals.

Then we didn't see each other from Sept. to June although we talked & emailed a couple times a month. He stopped traveling so much so didn't pass through here. Then he left his job last winter so we didn't have that between us.

Ok fast forward to this summer.

I was visiting with an acquaintence from another town (not where he lived) & she told me she was dating him. I was surprised but didn't say anything. A few weeks later he called me saying he was coming through my town & wondered if I was going to be around for hiking, fishing etc. Since he's no longer with the company he was stayed at my house.

We ended up laying on the guest bed when I jumped him about the other woman. He said it wasn't really a relationship etc. Well, I got up & went to sleep in my room. We had a nice rest of the visit but I told him I didn't want to play games & have him hurt her.

Then a couple of weeks ago he came all the way up to my place (a 6 hour drive) for hiking fishing etc with me- at his instigation. I was really confused but didn't have the guts to ask him on the phone about what he wanted & had the guest bed ready. He ended up telling me it wasn't what she thought it was & he'd had talked to her (broken up). So we slept together & he stayed for 3 days.

We did talk about what was going on- I told him I didn't want to play games, I wasn't sure where this was going, but didn't want to be involved if there were any other women.

I told him that I'd laid down the cards last year about wanting him but being ok with being friends. So now he's talking about a wanting a dating relationship with me rather than just friends. Throughout the whole thing we've really enjoyed each others company & like doing the same things together- hiking fishing skiing etc.

I'm really happy but also really worried. We've had a couple of long talks while he was here & then over the phone. I asked him what changed & that I'm confused, but don't feel I've gotten a really clear answer. But I wonder if I'm just being really nervous about getting hurt. He tells me I'm really attractive we like doing things together etc. and seem like a really good match for each other.

I wonder if I'm just being hyper worried that he's just playing around with me- testing whether he wants to be with someone & sees me as a good try for that. Or maybe he really has changed his feelings.

He said he's worried about a long disance relationship. In all honesty, I've been single long enough, my daighter's gone off to college & I'm not sure I want to have someone else living in my house- give up that freedom- so think I might like that, at least to begin. He's looking at taking a job closer to me, but still a few hours away.

Do I just have my head in the clouds? I'm I too nervous or not reading him that he really does want to be dating?

Also I'm 53 & he's 63 so this isn't a brand new thing for either of us.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2007
Tue, 09-10-2013 - 5:50pm

Not trying to bring you down, but with him 'maybe' moving to within about two-three hours vs six hours of you, I don't know what the future holds.  Without knowing his financial status, he may be ready to retire, or need to work for another 5-7 years.  His health may not allow for driving to/from your house all that often as well.  

You want to date exclusively and he seems to be trending that way, too.  Yay!  Long distance relationships are tough with no end point, though.  Like, I'll take this job assignment for 18 months, then we can be together.  I'm not sure you want that kind of together, valuing you independence, and that is totally, totally fine, but the relationship seems destined to seeing each other on weekends, and maybe not every weekend, for the indefinite future.

I'm just a little skeptical of the outcome when there isn't enough of a plan for a strong relationship.  Don't take me too seriously.  I am wrong about a lot of things.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Thu, 09-12-2013 - 10:28am

In my opinion, if a guy was really into me, and wanted to build a life with me, he'd be making arrangements to live in my town, not two hours away. Look at his recent past behavior. It's a good of what his future behavior will be. When he was dating another woman, he told you it wasn't really a relationship and felt free to have sex with you. He was apparently unclear with her about the boundaries or lack of boundaries, just as he is being unclear with you about what has changed to make him resume dating you. When he's dating you, it's quite possible he could sleep with another woman and tell her that even though he's dating you, you're really not in a "relationship." My guess is that's it's exciting to sleep with a variety of women. If you're two to six hours away, you'll never know what's really going on in his daily life. People's secrets never remain secrets. I think God plans it so people find out the secret by someone accidentally reading a text, e-mail, or like in your case, an acquaintance telling you straight to your face. Take this as a gift so you can move on and find someone trustworthy. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Sun, 09-15-2013 - 1:00pm

I think he's a lot more interested in moving close (even moving to my town) than I am. I'm so worried about taken on the responsibility of a relationship---what's for dinner, I want to go out with my friends, don't feel like doing something etc etc. I guess at my age I'm nervous about giving up my independence. Still, I really like him!

If he already lived here I'd be a lot more confortable since he would already have his own friends, life style things to do etc.