Am I a total sucker?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-16-2004
Am I a total sucker?
4
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 1:09pm


A fight that my BF and I had a few weeks back is still stuck under my skin and it, among other things, have me questioning my relationship. We had gone out to a bar with two of his friends (married) and the conversation turned to this female friend of theirs that lives out of the area. I knew about her but had never met her. To make a long story short - I had asked BF a long time ago if he had ever had a romantic relationship or encounter with her and he told me no. It came out that night that they had showered together. I confronted BF about this 'lie' and he blew it off saying that the shower was a 'joke'. (the shower happened before he and I started dating) I went off about the lie and how I could never imagine a scenario where a man and woman showering together was a joke. I also went off because I knew that he still had regular contact with this girl but that he generally tried to hide it from me (message her when I'm not around, etc). I went off more than I ever had with him before and after an extremely heated fight he apologized, said he didn't know how much that would upset me but he did now, and promised to cut off contact with her.

In that fight the topic of passwords also came up. I told him that I didn't appreciate the fact that he has my passwords for everything work or personal online but I knew none of his or even all of his dozens of e-mail addresses. He kept insisting that he had given them to me before but relented and gave me two passwords and said he uses those for almost everything he does. Well, I tried them on the e-mail accounts that I do know about and neither of them work on anything. I haven't brought that up to him, it just pisses me off. I hate how much time he spends online and he never spends any time there when I'm around.

What else has me fuming is his behavior recently. He's been making lots of comments along the lines of "when we're married" or "lets just run off to Vegas". Because of these I approached him about them on Saturday. I basically said, "If you are planning on a future together, I would like to get some idea of what you have planned. What are your thoughts? Your ideas? I want to discuss this." All that I got out of him was "I plan on being with you for a long, long time." He said he didn't have any plans beyond that. I find this a little hard to believe from someone who seems to have every other aspect of his life planned out to the tiniest of details. I got irritated and said "Well then if you don't have any meaning behind your talks of marriage, stop making them".

Maybe I'm the biggest idiot in history.

We've been living together for about 6 months. About a month after we moved in together I started having some suspicions about him and so I checked his messenger friends list cache (I know, big invasion - but I was concerned because it was a sn I didn't know he had). It was almost all women for the local area and so I messaged one that was online. She told me that she talked to him often and that he had just come down to see her a few days prior and had slept with her best friend. I asked her some things like what kind of car he had - - apparently he took MINE to go see them. Anyway, I was completely packed and loaded, pulling out the drive when he got home from work. He begged me to stay and talk for a minute, I did, and begged, cried, swore he had gone out to meet them as friends but when one of them came onto him he left, he didn't tell me because he thought I'd get upset, blah, blah.... anyway, I stayed (obviously) and then he got mad at me for snooping and forbid me to ever touch his computer again.

I'm starting to wondering if I have been the most gullible girlfriend in history. When is it ok to say "enough is enough"? It seems like all of these can be honest mistakes or completely innocent but I guess that with them piling up it's getting harder to believe.

dreaming of becoming a mommy blinkie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 1:55pm

He certainly seems to have a lot of excuses. The fact the passwords he gave you don't work, claimed he had already given you his passwords that he didn't, is still in contact with a shower buddy, and is IMing a bunch of women, and USED YOUR CAR to get to one whom he supposedly had sex with....

Um, too many excuses and drama for my blood. He sounds like big trouble. I don't see any "honest mistakes" anywhere in this mess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 3:12pm
He cheats on you and gets mad at you for snooping? Then he bars you from his computer? He definately wants to leave the doors open for more female friends. Lose this guy. He sounds like he wants things on his terms.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 5:07pm

First of all, I don't think you have been a sucker or an idiot.

 Start

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-30-2006 - 9:47pm

This is what you're dealing with:

1) He lied about a romantic shower encounter with another woman. Yes, it was before you met but why lie about it? People only lie when they have something to hide, or to make themselves look better in some way. So you're dealing with a liar.

2) You know "none of his (passwords) or even all of his dozens of e-mail addresses." Why would anyone have dozens of email addresses in the first place? There is something very sneaky and weird about that. I wouldn't trust a man with so many email addresses. It would seem like he had different identities. The fact that he has your passwords but you don't have any of his that work is also very telling (not that I think couples should share passwords, but still). You're dealing with a man who is hiding things from you.

3) "I hate how much time he spends online and he never spends any time there when I'm around." He'd rather go online than be with you. You're dealing with a man who just isn't that into you.

4) He's a man who plans his life to the smallest detail and he alludes to marriage and being together forever with you - but he won't plan anything having to do with that. You're dealing with a man who is telling you BS to placate you.

5) You are very gullible. Men do not go to meet other women they met online just to be friends. Not without their SOs and not hiding it from them - which is what he did. One of these women even told you he cheated on you. But you believe him - the liar?

6) So you take him back and he scolded you for snooping - forbidding you to touch his computer. You are dammed if you do check on him and dammed if you don't.

7) You're dealing with a liar and cheater, so repack your stuff and go. I'm sorry you have to go through this but the sooner you get away from him, the better off you'll be.




Edited 1/30/2006 9:57 pm ET by charite_99