Am I unreasonable?
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Am I unreasonable?
| Fri, 11-12-2004 - 3:56am |
Hi all. I have been dating my boyfriend for 7 months now and as many of you know we have had our ups and downs. Well things have gotten alot better he says he wants to change some of his habits and such. Well I asked him if he could make me a copy of his house keys and if I am able to come over to his place whenever I want unannounced. he told me I could have the keys but he wants me to call and check in . he says he wants to be able to control when I come over and give him a heads up. he says we are not living together so he likes his space. Is this a reasonable thing? Also as we've decided we need our own identities, we have been doing our own thing and lately he has been going bar hopping with his single buddies a lot. It doesn't bother me and we have decided that we are going to call each other everytime we go anywhere without the other one. Well I am bothered by the fact he's going out to bars where it's a pick up joint and he comes home when they are closed which is 2 AM in the morning. IS it unreasonable for me to tell him to curb it or is that going to be a bad thing? For a while I told him i wanted to date other people and he saidif I had to get it out of my system to realize he's the one than I could but he'd be uncomfortable. Well I made a date with someone and then canceled last minute because I felt so bad and he my boyfriend was glad and said he wants us to be exclusive but just pretend we are just dating so that we don't take each other for granted ( in other words spend less time together as we are together 6 days a week usually) Anyways, my question is do I seem unreasonable. he has said that I am smothering him so that might be bad for me to be makingall these demands. Any help would be awesome and thanks!

You two have an open relationship where you date each other but date others as well. This type of relationship is a tad different because you're not exclusive and that means that he and you can go your separate ways once in a while to bars and such, meet people and more. You seem bothered by the fact that he wants to have his own space. He's right in wanting to have his place to himself and choose when he wants you over and when not. Since he's dating others then he can have over other women and he doesn't want to you over at a bad time.
If you don't like the terms of your deal then talk to him, but don't try to justify your thoughts the way you do. You agreed to have something and that something comes with consequences.
Have you ever thought he's going to bars to hang out with his friends, have some beers, play some darts and pool etc.??? Why does it have to be about picking up women?
Honestly I don't think it sounds as though your boyfriend is that into you. From everything you wrote, from the he's okay with you dating others to get it out of your system, he wants his space from you etc. I don't know, doesn't sound like this relationship is going anywhere positive, he sounds like he can take you or leave you.
I can see now why you'd be insecure. Maybe you should have gone out with that guy, he might have turned out to be the "one".
I don't know what it's going to take for you to realize that if you want an exclusive, monogamous, committed relationship with a man you can trust, he's NOT the right guy for that.
Sheri
Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. He is being very courteous and generous about saying okay to giving you his key, and I think it is more than fair that he wants you to call before you visit. That says he likes you a lot. Why are you so insecure about him? What makes you not trust him? It seems you two talk openly about time alone/time together (and that you spend 6 out of 7 days a week together says a lot), and about your ideas on open relationships. Ask yourself what you want out of this relationship, why you can't be a bit more easier on him AND on yourself. Relax, enjoy his company, enjoy what you have. Control and suffocation aren't so healthy, neither for a relationship, nor for you. You waste your energy on useless stuff. Let go! Loosen your leash on this guy. Instead: Appreciate, enjoy, have fun, relax! (Trust yourself!)