Analysis Paralysis and Dating

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2009
Analysis Paralysis and Dating
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 12:42pm

First... it's been a million years since I actually had what I would call a "relationship", and quite honestly, I am still trying to figure out if this THING upon which I have embarked lately can be placed in that category.

The short version:  I met a guy at a Superbowl party through a mutual friend who had known him for years.  I thought we connected, but when the friend who introduced us expressed romantic interest in him, I backed off (actually encouraged them getting to know each other better).  Over the next couple of months, the three of us would show up at various events together and though our interaction was minimal, there was still that "something".  I was surprised when he did ask me out because of my perception that he and our mutual friend had been communicating.  He assured me that wasn't the case and even had a candid conversation with her regarding where they were before I agreed to go out with him.

That was two weeks ago.  Since our first date on April 6th, we have seen each other at least six times.  We are constantly communicating, and we generally enjoy each others company... WITHOUT sex.  Here's the clincher:  he's being deployed Friday and won't be back for several months (hence, the dating frequency.  He said he wants to spend as much time with me as possible before he leaves).

He's doing all the right things, saying all the right things... even agreeing to wait before we hit the sack, and I can't help but think:  What's the catch?  

Have I been exposed to so many jerks that I can't accept a good guy when he comes along, or should I be worried?  Is my own internal dialogue potentially sabatoging this "relationship"?

Incidentally, he bought me an international cell phone so we can keep in touch, and we set up Skype accounts so we can communicate while he's gone.   I think it's too soon to have the "where is this going" conversation (his actions seem to point towards continuing to get to know each other), yet the suspense is killing me.  

Should I just relax and go with the flow and stop trying to define everything?  If so, how do I do that?

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 04-18-2013 - 10:45pm

Date around.  A person in his position is not the same as id he was in a regular job.  I recomment not allowing a fantasy consume you.  Friends is all this can be until he is there for good in the flesh.


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 4:59pm

Yes you should relax & go with the flow.  First of all, the relationship is not really going to go anywhere for the near future, since he is deploying.  I would say keep in touch w/ him but I don't really think it's a good idea to promise to have an exclusive relationship w/ someone who you just started dating but is not going to be around for a long time.  He is probably nervous & scared about deploying and would like to have someone to rely on, but I don't think that's necessarily a good thing--a Skype relationship isn't exactly the same as being with someone.  But it could be a good way to get to know each other--just keep it like, yes, we can be friends now & keep in touch, but we'll see what happens when you come back.  But yes, there are actually good men (& women) in the world--there doesn't ahve to be something wrong with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-13-2013
Wed, 04-17-2013 - 2:13pm

Boy, I can seriously relate to what you wrote. I'm constantly doubting things and thinking "this seems too good to be true!". What I've (slowly) begun to realize is that if there is a catch, it will show itself whether I'm worrying about it or not so I might as well let myself enjoy the relationship as it is presently. I know, easier said than done! It does suck that he is going to be deployed right as you guys are really starting to hit it off.

I say (try) to relax and see where it goes. Who knows, he's probably thinking the same thing "Wow, this girl seems so nice...and normal...I wonder when the other shoe is going to drop!"

Good luck and keep us updated!