and ex makes 3

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
and ex makes 3
4
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 6:22pm
I love my boyfriend more then anything in this world except our kids from previous marriages. We have both been married before. Mine was abusive and his was forced and such. We are both 35 and been together 5 1/2 years and you would think after that length of time I would be able to trust and believe he loves me and no one else. But my problem is...he has a 16 year old daughter that every weekend comes over and has to do a favor for her mother and he helps her when he is asked to if he doesnt just do the favor for her, himself. Pending on what the favor is. it may be only make her a CDor copy a movie we have. But my problem is I am tired of the favors. She uses the kids against him as leverage and right beofre they went through the divorce she had him put in jail for a false charge. She cheated on him in the married and sometimes would not even come home until 5 in the morning. Part of the problem I am having is she is purposely doing it. She knows it bothers me but I dont know what ot do about it. She thinks she is Queen of all Queens and that everyone should bow down to her, including MY boyfriend and I. We had a major fight over it a few weeks ago and he says to me should I be angry if your ex calls and asks for a favor I said my ex doesnt and if he did every week then Yes cuz then I would think you would think he is more important to me than you are and that thought would never happen. You will always be more important to me then he ever will be. He said to me I told you from the beginning that My ex and I are friends and if I want to make a CD or do a favor for her then I will do it. I am not going to get any more greif about it. I am tired of it. I said what do you do for me. When do we go out or you make me a CD or anything like that. He said if I didnt like it I could basically leave so he is choosing her over me. He wont let go but I dont want to let him go. In the mist of it all I said so she is more important to you then I am. He sarcastically said yeah right sure if that is what you think then But the problem is...that is what I think. I told him I have no problem with him doing favors for her that pertains to the kids but I dont think he should be doign favors for her on a personal level. He pays her $200 a week in child support for his 3 kids. I have never thrown in his face that I feel he should be putting me first basically cuz I have to pay all the bills and finances in this house. By the time he pays his support to her there is nothing left out of his check to help me with anything except the 25. phone bill he pays monthly. But do I get any Thanks or anything like that no..but she gets the favors. She is his first love and he has only had 3 relationships. The second one didn't work either cuz of the friendship they had. His ex controls everyone and he allows her to do it. I dont understand why. I dont have problem with the friendship and liek I said for the favors but to me I should come first in his life. After the kids. I do believe he loves me but I cant get over the fact that if he had one little bit of a chance to go back he would. he said there would be no chance in hell that would happen. he would never go back. He does do things for me but I mean the extra stuff. My head is saying leave but my heart is telling me stay and work on it and that is what I want to do but I dont know how. She sent him and my kids a christmas card that she has never done before. I think she did it becuase she knows I cant stand her. I mean she has called him a worthless and other words I cant say in this but a worthless Father and things have happened that she has called her daughter a whore and slut and all kinds of things like that but still everyone is at her beckon call and because I wont I get hell...I am not going to kiss her butt like everyone else and since I wont she told me she will make my life a living hell and she is doing it and he allows it. He wont stand up to her. so what do I do...please help...
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 6:34pm
Being the ex myself- and still in contact with the guy who now has a current girlfriend- I wish I could say that he will go back to her for my own selfish reasons- but to be honest- he wouldn't have been with you for 5 years if he truly still wanted to be with her. He most likely still has ties with her because of the childrenm but also because, as you said, due to the fact that she was his first love. Relationships like that are hard to break. It is usually a comfort factor. My advise to you is stop nagging him about her- he probably doesn't want to hear it anymore- and the more you mention how unhappy you are about it- the more you will piss him off- he already knows how you feel- let him do the emotional sorting out now- on his own terms.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-14-2004 - 6:35pm

I understand that your emotions make it difficult to leave, but how are things going to change if he's not willing to set boundaries with his ex?

I'm curious, is that amount of support the court-ordered amount or does he pay that amount voluntarily? If that is taking up his whole paycheck, why doesn't he go to court and get the amount reduced?

In any event, perhaps going to a counselor who is used to working with blended families should be your next step if he's willing. If he's not, then you either need to accept him AS IS, or move on.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-10-2003
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 6:28pm
he pays 200 court ordered a week...and he doesnt want to put the kids through all the tormoil of going back to court and the hurt he feels he is going to cause from all the aggravation. But just wanted to let youknow when I got home the other night I had a big bouquet of flowers waiting for me when I got home. I know he loves me very much and he is really showing it. It is just so hard when all we hear is the ex wants money she needs money she cant handle it without his support. He pays it and it is not enough but youdont know her. It is just that when she jumps he says how high but to make me happy he is not doing it. I am sure it wont last forever but for the time being it is nice knowing I am more important then she is. thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Tue, 12-28-2004 - 6:57pm
I would give him six months. If he doesn't shape up after that, I would leave him, and move on to someone who *really* loves you.