the answer to "is he gun shy"

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2004
the answer to "is he gun shy"
1
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 9:44am
well i put him on the spot and gave him the choice. i told that if he had no intentions of ever having children or getting married he didnt need to be with me because that is what i wanted. and my son needed a father figure and i was not being fair to him by dating someone who wants nothing to with my son. it has been a week since i told him i couldnt do it anymore and i am meeting him after work today for him to let me know if he gonna step up to the plate or does he need to move on. i also told him that being involved with my son and me was a blessing to the lucky person because we have a lot of love to give. so wish me luck and thanks for all the advise i got. it really gave me courage to do something i had been putting off.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 10:07am
How brilliant of you!....first, how long are you dating? Your child isn't a gauge or an adult being asked to make an objective and discerning opinion about this guy's character to see if you should "pursue more commitment". Take that aproach with your kids - and you empower them to be adults prior to being experienced, mature and emotionally stable enough to make adult decisions - but they'll do it anyway to everybody's destruction.

So, until someone has committed to you - they shouldn't meet your kids. So that when they're introduced - you as the parent as saying to the child - I've interviewed, I've assessed, I've objectively reviewed this person's character, values, priorities, goals, how they conduct themselves and it is "safe' for you to be under their authority. Because this person is a good person who I agree with fundamentally in the most essential ways - and we're going to cohabitate (and/or marry) and they will be in authorityo ver you. That way - your boyfriends are "equal" to your kids - where you kids run around getting things easy, free, and convenient until commitment - and then this mate because someone of authority that the kids turn on with a vengeance because they only were in agreement with this because it made life easier on them - now it doesn't, and they'll put you in the middle and you'll live to regret it and so will they.

So, if you're dating a man wh doesn't want to marry and have kids....if you do - whyare you dating him. If his values and priorities are NOt such that he wants those things - you dating him unless it is just for sex, fun, compaionship is NEVER going to work out.

So, you've made a semi-brilliant move....you've told a guy that quite likely you're having sex with, that you're benefitting in many ways his life...tha ti fyou don't come over and play nice with my kid and make a verbal commitment to a future that you don't want - you can't have more sex, more options, more fun with me.

Talk is cheap......and people can say anything with the "best of intentions" and will turn to you when the situation does NOT produce the results you wanted and say "well, I didn't intend for this ot happen but oh well"....and you're still stuck with the results.

Dating is a crap shoot - don't put your kids thru crap!

People do what they do because they WANT to do it. Their values and priorities and standards and goals justify and entitle their actions, feelings, thoughts, ecisions, words, ideas, and desires. Those same values determine in all situations their character, conscience, integrity and honor.

You're asking a guy to take a job - that has NOT interviewed for it. A relationship is a job...you've offered him the benefits and he's taken them....now you want him to take the job...and while you might get him to the jobsite - his performance will NEVER meet your needs or standards and will wreck havoc in everyobdy's life as a result of his lack of "desire for what you want".

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com