Anxiety

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
Anxiety
23
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 10:46am

I am in, what is in my mind, the perfect relationship with "R". i am so happy with him and hes such an honest, sweet, compassionate guy. i have a past of trust issues (ie. stemming from my dad's actions) and its really starting to bother me. R and i have been together for a year and are engaged to be married next year. one night about 2 months ago, he didnt come home because he was out with his dad all night and was too drunk to drive- im so glad he didnt drive but what really bothered me was he never called. he was pissed off at me that night because i was angry that he went over there since i had cooked a big dinner for him and wanted him at the house, but he still couldve called if he wasnt coming home just to say he's okay, where he'll be, etc... the next morning he came home profusely apologizing with a vase of roses and promised me it was a lapse in character and would never happen again. i was so worried that night, i couldnt sleep all night wondering if he was okay, why he wasnt calling or coming home etc etc. he of course hasnt done it since, but i am so worried it will happen again every time he goes out. i dont know why im being so crazy (maybe because im pregnant?) and anxious....on the 27th hes going to his friends house for a poker game and im worried he wont come home. he said i can drop him off and pick him up but what if i drop him off, fall asleep, and the call never comes? i am so afraid every ounce of trust i built for him will be broken. i dont know what to do...am i out of my mind??? any advice would be much appreciated!!

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: leah_king
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 11:37am
Yes, you are out of your mind and need to reevalutate the relationship.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
In reply to: leah_king
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 12:02pm
apparently you arent the professional on here because that was the most vague, unimportant, and useless comment i think any board has ever received. i wouldve been better off if it was never posted "snafu" isnt this a support center? if so, why the heck are YOU on it? ; )
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: leah_king
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 4:15pm
Don't get angry with me, I was just agreeing with you. Something is wrong, and maybe it has nothing to do with your father and maybe this guy just knows how to make you go nuts with worry and anxiety over his antics. I was actually supporting an underlying feeling that you expressed.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
In reply to: leah_king
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 5:05pm
then i apologize. i thought u were being sarcastic telling me i am out of my mind and to let it go....i was just curious in my OP if it is my trust issues in general that are driving me crazy or is it HIM that is??? i dont know what to think. :(
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2004
In reply to: leah_king
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 5:25pm

<< i was just curious in my OP if it is my trust issues in general that are driving me crazy or is it HIM that is??? i dont know what to think. :(
>>

It's probably a combination of your trust issues and your hormones (being pregnant 'n all).

One "lapse in character" does not constitute a PATTERN of behavior. He failed to call one time, he apologized profusely, gave you roses as a token of his apology, and most importantly ... said it would NOT happen again.

Now, its up to YOU to believe him. If you don't believe him, would you not agree that that has more to do with your trust issues than anything he's done?

And, as for his lapse in judgment ... good grief, hon! The type of mistake he made is not earth-shattering. It is not like he said "sorry, my penis accidentally wound up in another woman's vagina." Now, THAT would be a doozy!

I mean no offense ... and hopefully you will take it with the light-heartedness that it was meant ... I understand that one person's mountain may be another's molehill ... but, in the grand scheme of things, it really is not fair to villify him (even if its just in your mind) for ONE mistake ... which he has not repeated ... and worry yourself into anxiety about "oh gosh, what if he doesn't come home?!" ... you WILL drive yourself crazy if you do.

good luck!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: leah_king
Fri, 01-12-2007 - 5:41pm

No problem. While we do learn our basic trust issues as children, all of us have gripes about something from our childhood. That doesn't mean it carries over into adulthood and into all relationships. It only does when one is not aware that the root cause stems from childhood. But dont fall back onto it because it is convenient to do so. There could be other issues.

If he didn't call you because he decided to crash because he was too drunk, then he would had to have been really drunk to not be able to pick up the phone and call. I don't know what your normal "way" is between the two of you, do you normally call under those conditions? If so, then he went outside of what the norm is for the two of you, but if it never happened before and it doesn't happen again, then I wouldn't worry about it.

But, also, some people are just good at making others crazy with their antics and make sure to drive up the anxiety notch. Those people are toxic to us and need to be eliminated from our lives.

Only you know where your guy falls in this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
In reply to: leah_king
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 9:10am

thanks ladies....youve helped me. i do think it is pregnancy hormones...i was wondering if it was a pattern because a long time ago he fell asleep on a friends couch after his welcome home from iraq FAMILY party and didnt come home. so technically it has been twice. i want to trust him since he has been so good about literally EVERYTHING else...and i guess both instances are understandable..i just dont ever want to have to feel that worry again. it is a rule between us that we always know where the other one is in case something bad happens. for those two nights....i wasnt sure. and i was scared something happened. thank you both for your perspective...i guess it isnt that bad. not like cheating...but then again when your SO doesnt call or come home you always think what if? what if he was drunk and met some OW? haha here i go again ....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
In reply to: leah_king
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 10:10am

If this is something that is bothering you, I do think you should talk to him about it. Esepcially since you're going to marry him, it's important to have that honest and open communication going.


Also, I'm wondering--are you truly ok with him getting drunk to the point where he can't drive and he can't remember to call? I'm not even thinking about other women, I'm just thinking that if you're going to have a child, that behavior may impact you because those nights you'll be alone without his help. That would be the bigger concern in my mind...


Hope this helps.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-21-2006
In reply to: leah_king
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 1:42pm
yes i absolutely have thought of that. he never drinks. the only times he does drink are special circumstances like his best friend coming home from iraq at a family reunion party, or a father/son night out playing pool. because he never drinks, he has an extremely low tolerance for alcohol (im talking a couple of drinks and hes a goner) he used to drink quite a bit before we met but since he met me he honestly rarely ever drinks and says thats not a part of life that interests him any more. i honestly think that when he goes out on these rare occasions he doesnt know his limit and tries to "keep up" with his dad or friend and have a couple drinks. after those is when his logic somewhat expires. he has a hatred for cheating and expresses it to me on a continuous basis- he has never cheated on anyone and tells me cheaters are cowards etc etc. i guess what im looking for is help for myself. i dont have the money for therapy and i want to help myself lose this anxiety problem. if he screws up once (which we all know men do) i dont ever forget and worry it will happen again. i dont know whats wrong with me and i want to resolve these trust issues. it seems like a dead end to me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
In reply to: leah_king
Sat, 01-13-2007 - 1:48pm

It is natural to worry about a SO. I have never had a baby so I don't understand the hormonal impact like other women do. So, it is your "way" between the two of you to make sure that at the end of the evening you know where each other are. That is a good rule to have, especially when a child is soon to be born. Blkyn chick brings up a good idea, maybe now that he will be a father, it would be smart for neither of you to be so drunk that you can't make it home. See what he says. If he was in Iraq fighting a war, that is what I am getting from your post, I can see that you probably worried for a long time...that he would make it home. So maybe the wives and husbands of our armed forces walk away with another type of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder - worrying about them all the time. Just a thought.

Well, the two times I have been married (now twice divorced), I always thought the worst - dead, or lying dying somewhere, or in a hospital if they were late getting home. Luckily they always made it home. If you are worried about fidelity then maybe you can talk to him about it if he has done something to make you wonder. I suspect maybe getting bigger with a pregnancy could make a woman start to feel a little threatened. Again, I don't know how you feel. The women that I have known that have gotten pregnant never expressed worry about cheating during the pregnancy, but that doesn't mean that they didn't think about it.

Pages