Anxiety
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| Fri, 01-12-2007 - 10:46am |
I am in, what is in my mind, the perfect relationship with "R". i am so happy with him and hes such an honest, sweet, compassionate guy. i have a past of trust issues (ie. stemming from my dad's actions) and its really starting to bother me. R and i have been together for a year and are engaged to be married next year. one night about 2 months ago, he didnt come home because he was out with his dad all night and was too drunk to drive- im so glad he didnt drive but what really bothered me was he never called. he was pissed off at me that night because i was angry that he went over there since i had cooked a big dinner for him and wanted him at the house, but he still couldve called if he wasnt coming home just to say he's okay, where he'll be, etc... the next morning he came home profusely apologizing with a vase of roses and promised me it was a lapse in character and would never happen again. i was so worried that night, i couldnt sleep all night wondering if he was okay, why he wasnt calling or coming home etc etc. he of course hasnt done it since, but i am so worried it will happen again every time he goes out. i dont know why im being so crazy (maybe because im pregnant?) and anxious....on the 27th hes going to his friends house for a poker game and im worried he wont come home. he said i can drop him off and pick him up but what if i drop him off, fall asleep, and the call never comes? i am so afraid every ounce of trust i built for him will be broken. i dont know what to do...am i out of my mind??? any advice would be much appreciated!!

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<< i just dont ever want to have to feel that worry again. it is a rule between us that we always know where the other one is in case something bad happens.>>
Honestly hon, it will benefit you greatly in life to learn this important lesson:
"wherever you go, there you are!" ... and as a result of that, whether you know or don't know (another's whereabouts) "something bad" can happen ... you cannot control life. Life happens. Bad things happen, bad things happen to good people ... you have to let go and surrender to life and its circumstances.
The serenity prayer is helpful. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
There are things in life you cannot control. No matter how HARD you try. That includes something BAD
While its all well and good that you "always know where the other is" ... it really doens't matter if you know or don't know ... because KNOWING isn't going to keep something bad from happending. Too much in life is beyond your control. Beyond what ANY of us can control.
I understand where you are coming from, but you have to ... and i mean, HAVE TO learn to LET GO a little.
The result of this type of worry and overprotectivness is going to affect the way you are as a parent. You know that right? If you are THIS worried about your BF and a coupleof times he's come home late or failed to call ... how worried and fearful are you going to be for your child? And, how will the worry and overprotective affect your child's perspective and confidence?
I know this is a tangent ... but, it is something you need to learn to handle.
Rather than ALWAYS knowing where your BF is and vice-versa ... how about putting an "in case of emergency contact ....." card in your respective wallets, purse, car, etc.
And, I'm not saying that in doing so ... a person shouldn't give a courtesy call. But, if a person FALLS ASLEEP, they very well cannot call in their sleep, right?
So, the "in case of emergency" card gives you have the assurance of knowing that if something bad has happens, you'll be contacted.
Of course, you can let your mind wander into the "what if he's lying in a ditch somewhere" scenarios, but honestly ... does that type of thinking do a person ANY good?
(again, wherever you go, there you are!)
As for << but then again when your SO doesnt call or come home you always think what if? what if he was drunk and met some OW? haha here i go again ....>>
That's a whole separate issue ... a trust issue. If you trust someone, then ... it isn't rational to think that.
Trust isn't about "I trust you not to hurt me" or "I trust you not to cheat on me" ... or whatever. Trust is about trusting YOURSELF to know what is real and what is not, its about seeing the difference between fact/fiction ... trust is using discernment.... trust is knowing yourself well enough to know how to practice discernment. With trust in your life, trust in yourself to know what is best/right for you, what is real and what is not, then ... no, you don't end up thinking "what if?"
You just TRUST that all is well and you have peace rather than worry. Because no matter what, no matter how much you WORRY ... it doesn't change the outcome of the good and the bad things that happen in life.
Letting go is hard lesson to learn ... it takes patience and diligence. I wish you all the best in finding that peace and learning that life lesson. :)
starbuck-
i cant even express how much your post meant to me. thank you so much. you are 100% correct in everything you said and its clear youve got a lot more wisdom and experience than i do. sometimes i make mountains out of molehills- and thats why it benefits me to come to places like these with supportive, understanding people like you so that i can get a reality check. i liked that quote so much im putting it in my user profile! hes a really good guy and i think because i realize that, im so afraid of losing him. but in reality, worrying so much is what would make me lose him!! ironic, isnt it. again, thank you for taking the time to help me. if ever you need anything, ill try my best to help you too!! :)
<< but in reality, worrying so much is what would make me lose him!! ironic, isnt it. again, thank you for taking the time to help me. if ever you need anything, ill try my best to help you too!! :) >>
You're welcome! Now, its up to you to remember it, and catch yourself when you're in worry or anxiety mode. If/when a man feels like he's being pinned down, trapped, on a "leash" so to speak ... that IS when he'll start to feel resentful of it.
Basically, a man doens't want another "mommy" as a wife.
It is absolutely 100% possible to have a GREAT relationship that includes freedom and independence ... without having to be pinned down on, accounting for whereabouts all the time, etc. That gets old, and it gets exhausting.
Again, I'm not saying that he shouldn't be responsible for giving you a courtesy call if he's going to be late but ... like I said, you have to be able to discern fact from fiction and not play out worse-case scenarios in your mind.
Lastly, you really do not want to attempt to control him or prohibit him from having a night out with his buddies every now and then. You mentioned an upcoming poker night? It would be the ultimate of you to actually RECOMMEND that he stay at his buddies house (or wherever the poker night is going to be).
That way, he doesn't have to worry about drinking, he knows up front that he's staying over, and he can be FREE to enjoy himself and have FUN without worrying about being home ...so that you're not worrying.
Giving him this latitude would be a good test for you.
Basically, you want for him to be able to have the freedom to enjoy his evening without worrying about whether or not his being out is affecting you, kwim?
Healthy relationships should include some sort of seperate social lives ... so that you're not "each other's world" kwim? And within those seperate social lives, each person should be able to have a some freedom and latitide to be their own person, to do their own thing. It requires trust. Which is also part of every healthy, interdependent relationship.
Good luck!!
I know that you said you can make mountains out of molehills, but sometimes that is what one should do. When someone says to you "you are reading into too many things", sometimes that is the very thing you should do. You can make good decisions, make wise choices and be content knowing you did everything possible to not set yourself up for disappointment. But like Starbuck says, sometimes all of your good actions and choices don't stop disappointment or bad things happening to you. But, while Starbuck has excellent advice, sometimes people prefer to dismiss their instincts because they are being told that they have to let go, stop being so sensitive, stop worrying, etc.
For years I was told that I was too sensitive and read into everything. Now, years later those idiots who lectured me and chit chatted behind my back saying those things about me, will be spending many years in prison for ambushing me behind my back. hehehe. At least my radar was right, but sometimes people who are callous and hurt try to dominate and bully someone into not listening to her gut. My instincts were right and these morons will have to eat my dust verrrryyyy soon. I will have my day in court, with them, without them and they will not recognize me because they will not see the woman that they once knew. They will see someone who will not be toyed with. And no one will EVER tell me that I am too sensitive. Thank goodness I was otherwise I'd be dead by now. No kidding.
But, to get back to you...listen to your inner voice. Your inner voice will always be the most beautiful voice you'll ever hear. If you have a lot of anxiety about this relationship and it doesn't go away...maybe you need to go for some free counseling somewhere. Sometimes some facilities offer group counceling for free or...you need to reexamine this relationship. The question I have is do you get this feeling with every guy, just this guy, with your friends, your family, etc? If it is just this guy, it is not too late to not marry him. But I can't tell from your posts because you have gone back and forth in regards to him and his attributes or how he treats you or his past/present/future behavior. Just don't be so quick to blame yourself when maybe your innervoice is trying to protect you. But, maybe you are right, and just need a place to vent your anxieties and deal with the causes of your anxieties in a psychological setting.
Just remember, any time you hand over your heart to someone....you'll always hope they treat it like a little bird in the palm of their hands. But they don't always do that. This man has the potential to make or break your life now. That is a very special place. Your future relies on both of you being responsible, trustworthy, dependable, good parents, good mates, etc. The enormity of this man's impact on your life may hitting you like a ton of bricks. I married a man who (I didn't know at the time) had a dependency on alcohol. Nothing that was going to get him fired, or not be able to function, etc. But...we bought a bread route and it required him to drive a truck and deliver bread to his customers in his territory. This was husband number 2. I grew more concerned about his need to drink when we went out to dinner, etc. I mentioned to him that if he failed a breathalizer test, then the business would suffer and our financial security would be in jeopardy. I asked him to cut it down a bit. He would not do so. this was just one of many things that led me to want to divorce him. His previous job was at an office where, if something like a DUI happened, then he could take a cab or get a ride to work. He could always get a hardship license, but why put us through that, just drink responsibly right? Well, my instincts said that if he was this irresponsible with my financial security he would never take care of me properly down the road if trouble entered our lives. I was right about him. He may be one of the people that goes to jail for destroying my home and my life. Because he lacks judgement, responsibility and brains...he may have destroyed his life along with mine.
Thanks for your concern. Yes, times have been terrible here in "sunny Florida". It is not very often that a group of people purposely gang up on you for the sole purpose of greed. And then when you finally figure it out...and realize you are being USED by the medical community (doctors)so that they can execute a horrendous crime on many many people (maiming and killing in the hospitals, gang violence, burglaries, - yes they fund those crimes down here) and no one wants to help ANYONE...they purposely ignore your cries for help...then you finally become a little callous towards your perpetrators.
But, what comforts me is a statute down here called "accessory after the fact". Because I cried for help and told everyone the truth, that I am not affiliated with these doctors or any heinous crime they are doing...they now know the truth and did not call the police to save me. They allowed me to suffer another few years, my home is now destroyed and my cat was experimented on by the vet I was using and now she has an autoimmune disease. They keep hiring people to hit my car with their cars.
You see someone started a lie about me...saying that I signed up for a "stunt", but no stunt, horrible crime...and say that I sacrificed myself, when that is not true. That would be sick and disgusting. I called everyone for help, saying that whatever they were told , it was a lie and please put these doctors in jail for destroying the inside and outside of my home, getting sideswiped, etc. after a restraining order hearing...I tried to get a restraining order against one of the docs that I hope goes to prison for the rest of his life.
I called the FBI, the police, I wrote the governor twice, because everyone was getting hurt, physically because they docs perpertrated a fraud. They get everyone distracted about me and my "stunt" when they are not paying attention to their lives and medical treatment. I have a list of 17 people I personally know that in the last couple of years are either dead, injured, permanently maimed, etc at the hands of doctors. They will continue this terrorizing of the people of Florida and America unless someone stops them. It is because...they don't make enough money. They need malpractice lawsuits to stop, they need the old "fee for service" insurance to come back and rid us of HMOs and they want more and more and more. Why? Greed, sickness, greedy wives who need lots of jewelry, bratty kids who need a BMW as their first car, etc. They will blame the "system" and not themselves for horrible surgical crimes against people. They are developing a robot named Penelope who will take the place of humans in the operating rooms and if a surgical instrument or gauze pad gets left inside of you, you sue the makers of Penelope, who will be doctors and eventually they go bankrupt, etc.
I told everyone if you see any document which bears my name...it will be a forgery and if you get it for me then I will testify for you for fraud. They took money from people, businesses lying that they would make a mint off of me and the crime against me. Somehow he broadcasts everything that he does to me...I guess like a trophy prize picture...sicko...that is for sure. He cannot be allowed to be part of society because I am not the first woman he has done this to (sicko doctors) and I will not be the last if he is allowed to remain free. He cannot control himself, he is sick. Another coworker of mine is another count to the crime. She just got back from Iraq, she is a captain in the army and was a coworker of mine in the pharmaceutical industry. That is unfortunately how we met these sick people who call themselves doctors. She went down pretty much the same way as I did a year prior. But I didn't understand what was happening to her and she eventually moved home back with her grandmother. I contacted her recently and I see they did not let her go...even though she moved. She was misdiagnosed by a Physican Assistant that she had a breast lump when she doesn't feel anything and they want her to do an ultrasound instead of a mammogram, they make money that way and then they can scare her into surgery and still make more money when nothing was wrong with her to begin with. I told her I would testify for her if she needs me because I pretty much witnessed her ambush.
I told a Sgt. at my sheriff's office over 2 years ago that the crime against me will be sure to go down in history as a crime against humanity...many people will be hurt, not just me. No one listened to me. I have had to sit back and watch everyone get killed and maimed and injured so that they finally realize they were lied to about everything. These docs promised the world to these people and delivered "hell on earth". But everyone was brainwashed and no one saw reality. Because I was never introduced to the real nature of their scheme...because they wanted me dead obviously...I could never retch myself from their grasps...they built in a safety valve for themselves so that I would need witnesses. You see I am not a doctor, so my word is nothing compared to a bunch of rich old men that wear MD after their names.
If it wasn't for a biker 4 years ago, I probably wouldn't be here to chat. I was at a bar and he sat next to me and we started chatting. I told him about the crime at that time - at that time it seemed to me just a crazy doctor obsessed with me, some stalking and light property damage. I didn't realize what they threw me into back then. I told him I would probably have to leave Florida. He told me that he saw my face before. I asked how? and he said in the media. I said I have never been on tv or in the newspaper and he mentioned it was electronic type. It was then that I knew sicko doctors plastered my face somewhere on the internet so that I could never escape. Who would think that in America in 2007 this crime could happen to someone? It is a nightmare, but I keep the faith that everyday I can make another inch toward freedom. The governor of Florida is a new one now, but the old one will hear from my lawyer one day with a negligence lawsuit, so will the sheriff's office. I am hoping with 18 counts these guys never see the light of day again.
Thank goodness my lawyer made sure to put in my living will that I will not receive severe surgery due to "end stage conditions". This way a healthy kidney will not be harvested in some black market way, like they are doing to so many innocent people who are told they have end stage renal disease.
So, I come to these message boards so that I can take the focus off of me and my crime and focus on others and try to help others and maybe make a pal or two on the board.
As far as you are concerned, it sounds like you can use the help of a person who is trained to help people with anxiety issues. Why can't you tell your SO that you need to go talk to someone? I am sure he realizes the problem, he probably wouldn't be mad or anything like that. If he is overprotective and would chastise you for making the same faux pas, then maybe you can mention that to him. Would he get angry with you? Does he have a temper? Hopefully not. I am sorry I cannot help you with this, but hopefully it helps you to vent sometimes.
<< i dont really want to go to counseling because then id have to tell him why. i guess i should just keep my mouth shut and hope i can overcome this on my own. or go crazy in the meantime. haha :)>>
There's no shame in going to counseling. I've been to a counselor. Many people here have. Hon, if there's something going on within you ...and you need HELP resolving it within yourself, but don't want to because you don't want to because you don't want your BF to know ... pardon me for saying this but "HUH?!"
It sounds like you have some deeply rooted issues with trust, anxiety and a serious case of the WORRY WARTS! Would it HURT to get some counseling? Of course not! Would it increase the odds of you being able to overcome it? Sure it would! This type of thing is NOT easily conquered on your own.
While I agree with a lot of Snafu said ... particularly in regard to your inner voice and trusting your instincts, at the root of it, you are responsible for aligning with trustworhty, responsible people ... you are responsible for making smart choices.
Based on what snafu said, what I inferred (in the limited sense of just basing it on her brief description) ... the people in her life were attempting to manipulate her or deceived her ... in hopes of causing her to doubt herself and her instincts... and when a person is being manipulated, they do tend to lose their ability to trust their instincts. And like she said, fortunately she DID listen to her inner voice and she recognized it was bad news.
And yes, I do agree that sometimes mountains are mountains ... because if those people are in jail now (or facing jail) and her life was in jeopardy ... then no, that's not a molehill. There was ABSOLUTE cause for her to be making a "mountain" out of it and protecting herself.
But, we're not talking life or death or illegal circumstances here, leah_king. We're talking your BF staying out late TWICE ... and once was with his dad, right? Sheesh! You said it yourself that its a RARE occurance. A rare occurance is not a pattern. And, if you read into it by turning into a pattern and make it a problem, that's what it will be ... it will be a problem.
There are certain things in life were you do have to just build a bridge and get over it. This is one of them. There is no pattern here in what you've described. There isn't even any disrespect or disregard. What there is, is a person (your BF) ... who is human ... and as humans do/are, he isn't perfect. People screw up every now and then. It happens. It's life. No one is perfect, and you cannot expect him to be ... or jump to the extreme of << so obviously you have no regard for me!!!">> ... when he's just being a human being. If he went out and got drunk every week, stayed out late numerous night a week, had a habit of not calling ... then, I wouldn't be saying this ... but, your BF is not doing any of those things. The only thing his GUILTY of is not being as you expect 100% of the time.
And let me tell you, in a relationship, if your partner is what you want them to be and expect of them 80% of the time, you're in good shape. I'm a big fan of the 80/20 rule.
In closing, I agree with Snafu on most (if not all) of what she said ... based on HER circumstances ... but, what you've got here isn't that ... what you've got here is a devoted BF who failed to call (probably because he fell asleep) and/or came home late all of TWICE ... that doesn't make for a pattern nor does it make it a problem.
This is your issue to conquer, hon. My best to you in doing so!
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