anybody had this to happen?
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anybody had this to happen?
| Mon, 11-28-2005 - 4:19pm |
I didn't get to spend Thanksgiving with my boyfriend, didn't know why he didn't ask me to be with him and his family (i had previously met his parents while at an event of the BF's)(we've been together for 5 months)...I was hurt but held it in and he could tell that I was upset...earlier in the month he said that he liked to date someone longer than what we've been together before they meet his family (thought this was kinda odd but got over it)...so of course I was quite miserable all day on Thanksgiving Day but he came home that nite...I think it was the next day that I let it out..very nicely so that he could see what had been bothering me...then he told me--his mom had formed an opinion-girls with kids are just looking for paycheck!- of course my BF doesn't feel that way at all...i know that lots of women (esp. from the south) have that opinion..but upon meeting me before, they seemed to like me and his dad even said so...so why in the crap does she have to be so judgemental? My BF has never been married or even engaged..I have been married and have 2 kids...I am a successful salesperson and a full-time college student with a very bright future...His parent's had asked me about my job when they met me and I told them (seemed quite impressed by the expressions on their faces.) It just pees me off to think that they think I'm a golddigger and yet I am such an independent person only wanting to be so much in love with her son like he is in love with me....what would you all do? I know that all I should be concerned with is that BF doesn't agree with his parent's but it does mean alot to have THE MOM like me...will she come around when there is a proposal or wedding?

Don't go off the deep end. This lady is very entitled to her opinions and, at this point, they have nothing to do with you. She would just prefer to see her son with a childless woman, that is all.
Your boyfriend may have made the right call about Thanksgiving, knowing that it is going to be an uphill battle to win over mom. If you date this man successfully for a few more months and he feels the time is right to reintroduce you to his parents, then the two of you will need to form a battle plan.
He told you the truth, don't jump to conclusions about mom. She is making a generalization about single mothers, not necessarily a direct insult on you in particular.
First, there hasn't been a proposal or a wedding...and here's some facts to consider.
You've known this guy 5 months and in the heat of infatuation which is "your desire for me makes me like me so much I can't get enough of your attention" - you've slept with him, had him around your kids, and you've casually met his parents.
Now he's stated something that you're apparently wanting to ignore - that normally people do not meet his parents until there is more etsablished commonality and commitment, and he didn't take you home BECAUSE THERE IS NOT THAT LEVEL OF COMMITMENT THAT HE REQUIRES OF HIMSELF IN ORDER TO HAVE THIS PERSON INCLUDED IN FAMILY SITUATIONS.
His parents don't think that "women with kids want a paycheck" - true enough, if you don't earn enough to be in a lifestyle he's in by his own efforts - they cuold think you want the best for your children and believe alliance with thier son is in "everybody's" best interest in your opinions - yours, his, your kids, etc.
But you're stating that the ilfestyle you have - you earn it - you maintain it - and so there is nothing going to change overmuch in terms of options for you or your children IF there was at any point a cohbitational or marital shift.
In which case...think about this........and get honest, and it's going to be hard. i've been you.
He's a single guy that is fairly young. He's never had any of his own kids (which begs you to really be objective and discerning as to whether you want your children as his "learning curve" of parenting or not)...........and being with a woman who has children limits his options to have them of his own. Your kids exist, they have to be cared for, raised, and the time, energy, effort, and money that requires is going to go out the door - whether more babies are made or not, and whether he can make more babies and support them all in the ilfestyle he requires - remains to be discussed.
So what they'd like for him....is what you'd like for you - if you were really honest. Not that you don't love your kids. But ideally - you'd have met this guy beore you had kids, and you've probably envisioned yourself being on the romantic vacations and getaways that you won't have - as a result of having kids, responsiblities, and obligations. But you didn't, so the things you won't do as a young person with a mate - you're figuring you'll do in your 50's or 60's. You've resigned yourself to that reality - because you've found joy in parenting obligation.
The don't want him limiting his potential and not expanding his horizons professionally, personally, etc. by getting into "instant obligation and requirement" which makes some options and opportunities off limits to him - if there is commitment.
So nobody is "against you" personally - your situation isn't ideal in thier view in light of the hopes and dreams they had for his life.
Which doesn't mean anything - if he decides in a year or two afer you two have really gotten to know one aother and the heat of infatuation has worn off, and objectivity and discernment and judgement of character has returned on both sides - if you two relaly have something.......it'll be there and grow.
And he won't believe he's been shortchanged by not having any kids of his own, in light of the two he has "thanks to you"........and he won't believe that any of the jobs, trips, vacations, or experiences he didn't take as a result of commitment were any type of loss either.
So I think the "chill out" phrase is in order.
You're a single mother with two kids. From an objective standpoint - you'd WANT someone to date you without involvement with your kids for a good long time.......at this stage. #1 it's your job to assess character and integrity of hte people you introduce to your children as their future parental role models. You can't bring someone in that wines and dines them with ice cream and late night TV......who then get supervisory and authority responsibliiites and roles and is nwo "hated" by your kids.
And if there is a point where yoyu're all "one big family" - dating is pretty much over, and family life has begun. So as a single parent - it's IMPERATIVE that you date this guy as if you had no children now - or else it will NEVER happen.
If the children didn't exist - you could hang out and hook up - if it went somewhere great, it not oh well. And you could be formally dated without having to make so many arrangements or schedules in light of existing children.
But you're a single mother - you owe it to your kids not to have them around a revolving door of dates...you owe it to your future "family" structure not to have your kids impacted by a revolving door of dates...and you owe it to yourselves as a couple to "be a couple" for agood long while - not obligation and responsiblity meeters. ecase when the kids are grown and gone...it'll be you two being a couple again...and if you weren't one to begin with - there'll be nothing that you have in common.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Regarding the christmas bouquet....your intentions are going to count, big time. Because this is an action you're going to have to 'explain".
Are you comfortable giving people this gift - that you've met once, and you likely will not see them at Christmas either.
If you're comfortable doing this "because of who they are to him, in light of how much he means to you" - great...do it. That way you're not expecting a nice thank you, or a christmas day inclusion for doing it.....and that way when you're called on in some way to "explain" your intentions - you can without hesitation or negative reaction.
Thre's no way to predict or control other people's responses and perceptions. Thier life experiences, standards, values, and needs do that - nothing you do does.
So if you would send them this bouquet because of who they are to him in light of what he means to you that now EXISTS...not could exist.......do it.
You won't have any trouble explaining it marginally and you'll be infinitely more believalable in your explanation.
If you examine your own motivations and intentions and find that what you're attempting to do is show them how good of a person you are, how generous you are, how "committed" you two are that you are sending this intimate gift......rethink.
Because thier interpretation of your "why" - which will determine their response prior to your explanation....could be anything at all - good or bad.
So if how they respond determines whether it's the right or wrong thing to do - then it's the wrong thing to do - and don't.
If how they respond isn't the point, you want to do it becuase of your own standards, intentions, and motivations, you can't go wrong - even if it is so misconstrued based on thier perceptions and interpretations it ends the relationship between you and him altogether for some reason.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Okay, you sound reasonable......so let's go here.
People do what they do because they want to do it. Their values, standards, and principles justify and entitle them to their actions, feelings, thoughts, decisions, words, ideas, and desires. Those same values in all situations determine thier character, conscience, integrity and honor.
So, in light of the above being a truism psychologically- here's what is safe to say.
You want "a relationship" - why or what you think it'll offer to your life - only you can say.
But you want a relationship enough to do the "relationship activities" with a man that you've known for 5 months. So very possibly, you've had alot of these types of situations and circumstances (hallmark/kodak moments) that you thought would go somewhere in terms of commitment - and they didn't. Which is fine.
And he's known you for 5 months and has no problem being around your children, while all discussion has been about them - it's been in general terms, there is no commitment to them on his part and thus no obligation.
You're doing waht you believe is right, to get what you want.
He believes he's doing what is right - to get what he wants.
But in knowing one another for 5 months - all that you really know is that what each of you want and are pursuing as you are.........has been done or has been there as potential to be done had the option existed - with ALOT of other people.
Which is why you're not going to his home for the holidays He's been around lots of women's children, that he has no obligation to. He realizes the feelings he has regarding your relationship - aren't really founded int erms of "you" as an individual - so much as enjoying this whole interactive dynamic.
So it's something to consider...that he considers his time with his family to be so important, and so sacred - that he's not taking you there.
While you consider your children and thier best interests to be so "open ended" - you have no problem including him in thier lives lock, stock, and barrel.
But here's the "no regrets" policy - that goes along with the pervasive dynamic reality.
If what you do doesn't hinge on how you're responded to - then what you do is because you believe it's right, your right, and your obligation. You won't regret doing it - no matter what the results of it are.
So you can live your life with no regrets as a policy. You do what you believe is right at all times - not hinging it on an outcome or response you don't cnotrol. That way whatever the response or outcome is - you'll handle it with dignity and grace - knowing by your reasoning, your values, your standards "you did the right thing".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com