Anyone friends with their ex's?HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Anyone friends with their ex's?HELP!
5
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 1:56pm
Hi all,

Just a brief background. I'm exclusively dating a wonderful guy now for about 2 months. Things are wonderful in almost all aspects, he treats me beautifully, makes me feel adored, makes time for me, always wants to make me feel better if i'm feeling badly, calls when he says he will, all those things. Anyhow-the problem is my insecurity over his exgirlfriend-and i need to know if it's valid insecurity or if i just need to get over it. I don't want to ruin a budding relationship over something imagined.

So that being said, to those of you who are friends with your exes, how is it? I've never really been friends with an ex, unless it was a real short term, not love-based type relationship. Do you talk often? Do you TRULY feel resolved in not having any romantic feelings towards them? Does your current significant other accept this and trust you 100% or is it an issue between you two? If it is an issue, have you taken any measures to reassure them, or have you just said "this is me, accept me as i am or leave" type of thing.

I dont' want to say anything else about the current situation because i do not want to warp anyone's response...i just want an objective opinion of how one can be friends with their ex without hurting their current relationship.

THANKS FOR ALL YOUR HELP!




Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 2:24pm

I'm friends with my ex-husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 2:32pm
Hello!

Girlfriend, been there, done that. My ex wanted to continue to be friends with his ex girlfriend (she was still in love with him). I told him no way and he proceeded to go behind my back seeing her as a "friend" he says. He wind up back with her and left me in the cold. I would not trust that situation at all because I believe he is not finished with her and wants you to be Miss Understanding yet tolerant.

Tell him you do not go along with it in a firm yet not demanding way. If he acts casual about it like it is no big deal, than you know where you stand.

Avatar for happychick01
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 3:18pm


My ex BF is my best friend we have been friends for 9 yrs now hes happily dating and Im happily married we dated before I met my hubby but we have remain in each other lives and we are great friends today

At first it was awkarad since he was dating someone 1st after we broke up after a month and then my guy came along after that we have been supportive of one another and so far so good my feelings for him left me the day I met my hubby I couldn't have found a better guy and hubby likes my ex actually those two will hang out and they are friends also he accepted this realtionship after he met my ex and he trusts the both of us for my ex respects my marriage and I am hoping someday he can be as happy as I have been with my guy

So far so good over here -lots of luck to you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 4:21pm
I am friendly with my ex-husband. We have been split almost 7 years and we are both involved with other people. We don't speak every day... in fact, I think we speak MAYBE once a month or so. We don't have children or property together, so there isn't anything (except friendship) to keep us communicating. But I know that if I needed a ride to the emergency room (and my boyfriend wasn't available), I could pick up the phone and call my ex husband and he will come and help me. I would do the same for him. I have also been a sympathetic ear for him when he was having problems with his girlfriend.

Every now and then, my ex says a little something about how he will "always care for me." That's it. There is no hanky-panky.

Obviously, I cannot say WHAT kind of feelings there might be between your boyfriend and his ex wife. The only thing you can really do is trust him that there is nothing but friendship between them. Remember that people get divorced for a reason, and those reasons probably still exist.

Of course, if you have some evidence that there is more going on between them, I wouldn't ignore it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2003
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 4:50pm
Thanks everyone for your honest responses.

I guess since i have never been friends with an ex, in the true plantonic sense of the word (meaning i was POSITIVE there were no romantic feelings-only caring feelings), it is hard for me to imagine being JUST friends with someone you were intimate with--yes i realize that if you broke up there must have been good reasons to. His ex has a boyfriend now too-but i can't shake the feeling that maybe she is keeping my guy at arm's length in case HER guy doesn't work out. Obviously i need to trust that if my guy is meant to be with me-even if she does want him back-he will make the right decision. I've just never really been in this position. He's asked me before if it bothered me, and i lied, because we were so new at the time and i didn't want to come off as insecure right away-i would never ask him to stop being friends with her-i just need to know the boundaries of their friendship and i think it would help if he introduced me to her at some point (she lives 4 hours away so that isn't too likely too soon).

It's funny how i get SUCH mixed responses from people-some people insist i should just trust him, and others tell me to get out now! Extreme responses! I think i just need to sit down with him and get a better understanding of their friendship...

Thanks again!